Space in Leeds is the worst night club in the UK, you are dumb if you think different

So many ironic crocodile onesies

Every night out to Space starts the same. Your Mum takes a group shot of you and your mates twisting your arses towards the camera, you drink Echo Falls Summer Fruits until you develop a gag reflex and then you queue outside in the cold until you have completely sobered up.

From the outside Space looks quite trendy, a rugged railway arch with a witty name, "The Space" like it is a space and it is also called space. Almost as funny as when in Leeds used to have a club called Bed.

Do not be fooled. Last year it was voted the most crime ridden club in Leeds, it's the kind of club where the only songs they play are the Top 40 sped up with a dubstep drop superimposed in. Most common is Adele: "and I set fire to the raaaain… WOMP BOMP BOMP, DUDUDUDUD".

Space never take song requests, the DJs are always like: "no sorry we have to stick to the playlist" and you're like, er pal you are playing Ed Sheeran Shape of You, it isn't a progressive house night?

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The queue is so long, any vibe you had at pre-drinks will die

Every time the beat drops they churn so much shit out the smoke machines you start to choke. But at least you don't have to watch that guy in a pink Lyle and Scott polo shirt trying to eye fuck you over his WKD.

Blinded by the smog, you can't see that your friend has scuttled away with some absolute melt. His tongue is massaging her gums and you are not able to drag her into the light and make her see that this guy is wearing a black shirt with a white tie.

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The smoke hides the fact that there are approximately three people inside

Guys at Space are so gross, when they squeeze past you they take it as an opportunity to rub their flaccid penis' against your lower back. They're the kind that are always trying to get straight girls to make out.

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People always go on about seeing girls getting fingered in night clubs but it doesn't actually happen, it is just an anecdote to encapsulate the shitness of the establishment. But it really happens in Space. One time I saw a couple, they weren't even in a booth, they were just on the sofa. It looked like a totally sexless exchange, like inserting and removing a tampon. Or a continuation of the gun finger he had been repping on the dance floor.

The drinks at Space might be cheap, 80p for a shot some nights, but the crowd is so shoulder bargy unless you neck the voddy and coke at the bar, some dick with wide shoulders, skinny legs and ripped jeans will ram your plastic cup onto the floor.

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Space's smoking area

Space doesn't even have a smoking area, just an alley way with sick dribbling into the drains. When you get out your Amber Leaf at least five people will approach, "can I have a cig?" Um, mate go to Londis. Elsewhere some girl is crying on the pavement because she lost her contactless card. She's ripped her fake eyelashes off and repeatedly declares, "I'm ordering an UBER". After telling everyone to fuck off, she finds it in her bra.

It’s fackin Christmas leeds

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But nothing is worse than the toilets, they smell like someone put a sewer in the microwave. At least if you need a tactical chunder, the smell makes it easier to spew up.

Also, can someone please explain to me why they are unisex? I am pretty it isn't because the managers see gender as a societal construct, but more because they probs can't be arsed spending money on building a wall that would make everyone feel much more comfortable.

Guys always drift towards the ladies portion of the loos. Swaggering in their tight ripped white jeans, Hype t-shirts and eyebrows slits, "like what you see?"

I am okay thanks. Don't be fooled by the offer of free entry before 11pm, Space will ruin you.