This thorough investigation into which crisps crunch the loudest is essential British knowledge
Science has actually done something useful
It will not have escaped your attention that Doritos are making women crisps. Quieter, daintier, and just generally more discreet, they embody every need of the modern woman.
By this logic, anything louder than Doritos also needs to have a woman-friendly version. Luckily, The Sun tested loads of bags of crisps for decibels, all in the name of science.
Really though, we don't need quieter crisps because they're more feminine. We need them to stop pissing everyone off in the library. So consider this a genuinely useful resource.
Let's insert some reference points here. Decibels use a logarithmic scale, which means a difference of 10 decibels means 10 times more intensity. A 70 decibel sound, therefore, is around twice as loud as a 60 decibel one. 85 decibels will give you hearing damage after around eight hours.
Doritos (old school male version) – 60.9 decibels
The benchmark crisp, the control pomme, call them what you will, Doritos come in at a paltry 60.9 decibels. It's hard to see how the crunch scientists will muffle these any further, but they can try.
Mini Cheddars – 64.6 decibels
Briefly crunchy, but ultimately powdery, Mini Cheddars up the stakes, but don't break the sound barrier.
Squares – 62.5 decibels
Thin and brittle Squares just don't have the depth to sustain anything beyond an initial pitter patter of carby mastication. Maybe the perfect incognito mid-essay snack.
McCoy's – 68.5 decibels
Manly crisps with a manly crunch. When you're chowing down an a Flame Grilled Steak Crisp with super deep ridges, the only appropriate accompaniment is the sound of potato artillery going off in your mouth.
Wotsits – 72 decibels
One would assume that the fairly fluffy nature of Wotsits lends itself to a subdued crunch, but that assumption would leave you as much of a social pariah as the bloke with Wotsit dust all over his fingers. If subtlety's your thing, avoid.
Quavers – 65.7 decibels
Pro tip: avoid crunch entirely by letting these badboys dissolve in your mouth. Or, seeing as 65.7 decibels isn't going to make the person next to you get up and leave the library, don't. Live your life.
Monster Munch – 68 decibels
Even at 68 decibels, the noise isn't the socially unacceptable part of eating Monster Munch.
Kettle Chips – 64.6 decibels
A sophisticated crunch for a sophisticated snacker. Sure, it won't go undetected, but just pass the blame on to the heathen next to you eating pickled onion flavoured crisps.
Hula Hoops – 71 decibels
Loud. Obnoxious. Just like the person in the third year of their degree who still insists on putting Hula Hoops on their fingers like rings.
Walkers – 70.6 decibels
These are almost twice as loud as Doritos. And you wouldn't get Gary Lineker advertising Doritos. Despite the veneer of respectability, the nation's favourite are in serious need of some house training.
Frazzles – 79.2 decibels
Twice as loud again as Walkers. A sound nearly 100 times more intense than Doritos. When you see builders wearing earmuffs, it's not to guard their ears against the noise of a building site, it's to keep themselves safe in case someone opens a packet of Frazzles.