A TripAdvisor rating of every boy you will sleep with at university

Because if we don’t, who will?


TripAdvisor has proven to be a useful tool when figuring out where to go and eat. Restaurant's got a one start rating? You're not going. Three out of five? If the meal was slightly cold and the drinks took a long time to arrive, you weren't overly surprised.

And when somewhere has a five star rating, you know exactly what you're getting yourself into: the best goddamn eating experience of your life.

So why then has this rating system not caught on to types of men, and more specifically how good or bad they are in bed?

We asked a load of women to rate different types of men from a scale to 1-5 stars on how they are in bed. Think of it as a slutty TripAdvisor. You would want to eat at a five star restaurant, like you'd want to be eaten out by a five star guy.

We are in no way insinuating the men in the photos below are bad in bed, just consider them models.

Red chino boy

We are not suggesting that this particular boy is bad at sex

“He kept saying 'Woof! Woof!' in a deep, Home Counties accent every time he thrusted into me. It started to feel like some weird beastiality themed occasion, probably something he picked up from fifteen years at an all-boys public school. 1.5 star. " Grace, Surrey, 23

“Do not let their signet ring and boat shoes fool you into thinking these types of boys are going to be missionary only. Riding whips, latex, dog collars – they’re pure filth. 4 stars, depending if that’s your thing.” Mable, Huddersfield, 21

Rugby boy

Nor this one

“Big thighs don’t translate to good sex, especially when the guy has been playing drinking games with other hollow headed morons for five hours. 1 star" Sasha, Bradford, 21

“Way more into impressing his mates than any woman, will tell everyone loads of details about sleeping with you to 'the guys' and then will justify it by saying that it is the 'team rules'. But like, did they have to know what face I make when I cum? No. You definitely should have downed the pint. 2.5 stars."Nat, Edinburgh, 22

“Do you really have to grunt that much? I feel like I am shagging a rhino. 3 stars" Molly, Newcastle, 22

The home friend that comes up to visit your mate at uni

“I didn’t want this guy to go home empty handed, he got the train up from a remote market town in the middle of nowhere. He tried really hard because he didn’t want me to tell our mutual friend that he’s bad in bed. He wasn’t firm enough with his fingers but top points for effort. 3.5 starsDaria, Coventry, 21

“He told Sam (our mutual friend) that I have lopsided tits. 0.5 starAnnie, Hull, 20

Your housemate

Image may contain: Phone, Mobile Phone, Electronics, Computer, Cell Phone, Furniture, Couch, Person, People, Human

This one is probably great

“Pretty awful experience. You think it’s going to be amazing cause there’s all this sexual tension, but then it just didn’t work. Mainly cause you both spend the whole time either giggling or worrying about whether you should have done this. 3 stars.” Lara, Bournemouth, 20

“It’s so weird having sex with your mates, like when his face looked like he was enjoying it I was like ‘can you not?’ We ended up only doing sex positions where you can’t actually see each other’s faces, it was too much. Now he has a girlfriend that doesn’t like me. 3 stars.” Meghan, Southampton, 19

“I might as well have shagged my cousin, it felt that weird. 1 star.” Martha, Leeds, 24

The guy off Tinder

"Easy fuck, now friends with benefits – what more could you want? 4.5 stars." Hannah, Newcastle, 22

“I got chlamydia after shagging a guy from Tinder and now I don’t wanna date ever again. 1 star.” Bryony, Glasgow, 21

“You don’t even have to put a bra and shoes on to get sex, he comes straight to your door. It’s like Deliveroo but with lots of rubbing. 4 stars.” Carrie, Sheffield, 21

“These guys meet up with loads of random women for sex. The good ones know they have to measure what you want and not just go for it. You can guide his hand around and boss him around. I didn’t cum but if I could be arsed seeing him again then I might actually be able to. 3.5 stars.Ashley, Birmingham, 24

“Beware the ones that cuddle cats. They are psychopaths who will use you as a cum dumpster. 1.5 stars.Laura, 20, Nottingham

The medic

“Not a good experience because he was so up his own arse. Tried to tell him exactly where I wanted his tongue on my clit, but he was all ‘actually, I’m a medic, I know where the clitorus is.’ I didn’t come, not even close. 2 stars. Alex, Manchester, 20

“He will have sex with you and just when you are getting into it he will kick you out, he has to get up at 7am for ‘rounds’ snoooooze. 3 stars.” Sarah, London, 24

“Hearing someone discuss giving CPR on an old lady who fell over might actually be the best turn on of all time. Literally why is that shit not in Fifty Shades of Grey. 4 stars." Vicky, Cardiff, 21

The finance boy

He looks like he might be bad, but who can say?

“Will pay for everything because even though he is an unpaid intern, he already acts like he’s rich. Has watched too much porn and pushes you into loads of weird positions. 2.5 stars.Chloe, Sheffield, 19

“Can only cum at a really specific angle and when he is finishing you can’t talk to him or you’ll put him off. I felt like a sex doll. 2 stars.” Laura, Liverpool, 21

“He kept looking at himself in the mirror and tensing his arms. I think he thought we were in a music video or something. 1 star.Susannah, Cumbria, 21

“He thought squeezing my boob constituted foreplay. 2 stars.Georgia, 23, Leeds

The guy who has just got out of a long-term relationship

“Stop starting every sentence with 'my ex-girlfriend…' I would have left but I was already undressed and I couldn’t be arsed to order an Uber yet. 2.5 stars.” Sally, Northampton, 21

“He literally cried 30 seconds after he ejaculated. I just lay there naked whilst he sobbed down the phone to his ex-girlfriend saying “I want you back pleeeeease forgive me. 1 star." Hannah, Manchester, 20

“These guys are the BEST. They’ve had the set menu for the past four years with their boring missionary – spoon – missionary girlfriend, and now want some genuine fun. For the last two years, they’ve put up with ‘I’m too tired’, so now all they wanna do is find someone to shag and please 24/7. You’ll 100 per cent come every time. 5 stars.” Sarah, Southampton, 23

The guy who has got a girlfriend

“A bit stop-start due to the sudden realisation he’s cheating on his childhood sweetheart, but overall satisfactory, even if it does make you feel like a bad person in the morning. 4 stars." Laura, Brighton, 22

“He kept calling me Sarah (his girlfriend’s name) and my name is Lucy, but that’s okay cos it was kinda like role-play. 3.5 stars." Lucy, Reading, 23

“He was also super rough with me because he definitely hated me for turning him into a bad person, even though he was the one who wanted to ‘go on a walk’. 4.5 stars." Holly, Leeds, 20

The every boy

Four fine young lads, if you ask me

“Every girl has gone through a phase of fancying this guy. I shagged him and it was like a good cup of tea. When my mate got fingered by him a week later I wasn’t annoyed, tbh though it was pleasant, I almost forgot I got with him in the first place. 3.5 stars." Katie, Leister, 22

“I actually really like missionary, you get to remain horizontal, it doesn’t hurt, and the guy won’t cum really quick. Which is fortunate because that is all this guy does. 3.5 stars." Joanna, Liverpool, 21

The guy who takes loads of drugs

He loves ket, but it's a great hat

“Every time you try have sex with these guys they get a pilly willy. You always just have to sit there while they have a sad laborious wank until you both give up. When he starts saying weird shit like, ‘I have scales on my skin’ it’s time to leave. 2 stars." Emily, London, 22

“After sex he didn’t want to sleep and cuddle like normal, but instead wanted to do a line and listen to some acid techno. It was a bit intense and I wasn’t able to go to sleep until he passed out at 7am. 2 stars." Emma, Aberdeen, 21

“Everything's in slow-mo which is fun if you are also high, otherwise you’ll be like ‘fucking pick up the pace, you have been fumbling over my tights for like 10 mins.’ 1 star." Beth, Glasgow, 22

The guy from your seminar

Image may contain: White Board, Pc, Laptop, Electronics, Computer, Person, People, Human

It's hard to know if a guy's gonna be good in bed when you're in a seminar

“Eye fucking over a lecture on postcolonial literature is great foreplay. But IRL this guy won’t match your romantic image of him as a mature, tortoiseshell glasses hottie. The sex lasts about approximately 40 seconds and he will say sorry waay too much, like ‘sorry did I just catch your hair’. 3 stars." Rosie, Essex, 21

“DON’T DO THIS – guarantee it’ll be disappointing and NOT what you imagined, and you’ll end up having to do a group PowerPoint presentation with him the following week. 1 star." Marisa, York, 20

The promotor

I mean what can you really expect from a promotor?

“Absolutely rubbish, honestly one of the worst sexual experiences of my life. Literally was there for about six minutes where he fingered me for about 20 seconds, decided that was enough, then jackhammered it home. 0 stars." Anya, Cornwall, 22

“Has watched so much porn he can only cum in one specific position, when he is starting to finish you have to remain totally silent otherwise he will be thrown off track. He’s not thinking of you, he has some long winded story in his head about his old babysitter. 1 star." Maya, Southampton, 24

“He actually said, ‘I like these’ when I got my tits out. 3.5 stars." Nora, Kent, 21

“Do you like that…do you like that…do you like that…do you like that. 1 star. ” Maisy, Birmingham, 25

The canvasing boy

“He lay there like an actual plank, but there is a difference between letting women 'take control' and being so still you have to check he’s actually conscious. 5 stars, because I was great." Brianna, Warrick, 22

“Apologises the whole time, he accidently pulls your hair, he jabs his penis into your thigh, you both start changing positions and go for different ones and he is all like ‘you go’, ‘oh no you go’. Painfully deferential, 2 stars.Lorna, Bath, 21

Theatre boy

There's a lot of drama there that's all I'm gonna say

“He has sex like he is projecting his voice to an audience, we are not in the National Theatre, we are in my bedroom and you are hurting my ears. 3.5 stars." Claire, 21, London

“Soo passionate but it was a bit too much for me, please stop brushing through my hair and gazing into my eyes. That is so much more intrusive to me than you putting your penis in me. 4 stars." Lucie, Bristol 20

Organic bro

“I was shagging him for a couple of weeks before he let rip that he actually has a girlfriend who knows about me and wants to meet me. I am not into threesomes, monogamy is a social construct, but it’s one that we made for a reason – cause it is weird af watching your boyfriend slot into someone else. 2.5 stars." Maggie, Nottingham, 23

“The way he stared at me over the pillow after sex is so intense, it feels like he’s thumbed around my soul. He did actually go down on me until I came though, so he can gaze all he wants. 5 stars." Natasha, Sheffield, 21

“Guys in hareem pants are never aggressive enough for me, I don’t know why I tried it, I was going through a weird phase. He did bring me a cup of tea in the morning though. 3 stars." Tara, London, 23

The DJ

I'm sure he'd spin you right round like a record, baby

“Way more into the monotonous deep house tune blaring out of Spotify than the way I am wiggling my ass. You can tell he wants to go, ‘just wait for the drop’ 2.5 stars." Nancy, Nottingham, 22

“Rubs my clit the way he rubs records – with three fingers, there is no refinement or detail, he doesn’t get into the crevices enough. 3 stars." Maria, London, 20