Swiping Sunday is going to be the most desperate time of your single life
The most matches are made on dating apps this Sunday
The beginning of January has become a time of panic for anyone single. The previous month of celebrating and partying with friends is over. A third of them are now being boring doing dry Jan, some are trying out Veganuary and the others are still coupled up doing couple-y things.
But where does that leave all the single people who couldn't lock down a relationship pre-Christmas during cuffing season?
We're currently experiencing a January gold rush. According to Tinder, this Sunday is the most popular time for matchmaking, as people's fear of not securing someone for the final couple of months of the season start to creep in.
The gold rush has left us in a desperate nether zone, and everyone is agonisingly swiping right to literally anybody with a pulse or anyone who looks remotely interesting. Right this second the usual Bumble and Tinder rule book is out the window – even profiles with one grainy picture are being accepted.
It's a savage time – but this will ring true for anyone on the hunt right now, gearing up for the ultimate swiping shift this Sunday.
Your thumb is genuinely hurting from all the swiping
No amount of pain will stop you achieving your goals. January gold rush is your Everest.
You have a designated time every evening to put a swiping shift in
9-11pm is the optimum swiping shift. Everyone's on their phones bored during TV ad breaks or in bed using it as a pre-sleep mindfulness exercise. Next thing you know it's 1am and only three people have matched you. Looks like you're not sleeping tonight from the raging anxiety you'll be single forever!
You swipe people you usually wouldn't, because anything goes now
People with one blurry picture, profiles which only show group shots so you don't actually know who you're swiping right to, and personal trainers – they're all welcome now. Usually you would antagonise over someone's profile, analysing each photo and their bio like you're in the FBI. But in January gold rush, beggars can't be choosers.
The morning is spent deleting 3/4 of the people you swiped
Why the fuck did match with dog-filter Adam??? Block.
Who is this bloke holding a massive trout in his pic, sending aubergine and peach emojis? Block.
And the guy taking a mirror selfie wearing bad sunglasses…what was I THINKING.
You've become semi-addicted to Tinder and Bumble, and panic when you don't match or get replies
Despite not receiving any notifications of a new match or a new message, you'll keep checking your apps because you're convinced your phone is broken. It's like when you keep going to the fridge expecting it to be full of food. When you open it for the fourth time that hour, all that remains is the same baron landscape.
Dates will be meticulously arranged around when you eat
This is the most practical approach to meeting all these new people in the hope that one of them is actually okay for you to form a relationship with. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, coffee breaks, after work drinks, after dinner drinks are all stacked up with a different person from your swiping mission.
There will be a series of conversation openers in your notes which you copy and paste over to new matches
Got a dog in one of the pics? Paste over asking about the breed. Say you're all about cheese and wine? Paste over some shit cheese related joke and quickly ask if they've heard of Gordon's Wine Bar. See a pic of cats? Paste you're usually a dog person but are willing to make the exception in this special case. Only one photo? Call them mysterious…then probably block them.
The January gold rush is all about speed, there is zero room for individual creativity.