Named and shamed: 2018’s biggest library offenders

Going to the library is a dreaded experience for all. No one actually wants to be there, but do you know what make exam season a whole lot worse? Library offenders.

Everyone knows that loud talkers and couples are annoying. But there are more offenders you've never noticed. In fact there are so many of them, that we've written up a whole entire list:

Neanderthal nail clippers

Why. Would. You. Do. That. Here.

People who take their shoes off

Everyone in this room can smell you, put your shoes back on.

And please don't take off your socks.

Idiots who book out a room and don’t turn up

Or even worse, they’ll just fuck around the whole day without doing anything.

Individuals who take up a whole table with their books and notes which they aren't using

Having eight books and three folders might give the appearance the essay is going to be a success, but did you really need a whole table to take selfies?

Loud techno listeners

The same repetitive house music is on a loop, or so you presume as the song definitely hasn’t changed the last two hours. Thud thud thud, it’s above safe volume and the only hope is they get a raging headache and go home.

Tuna or other smelly food eaters

These people are pure selfish. They’re psychopaths and have zero empathy. It wouldn’t surprise you to turn on BBC News in five years time and see them in the docks with a 20 year jail sentence. Lock 'em up I say.

Aggressive typers

TAP TAP TAP MY ESSAY IS MORE STRESSFUL THAN YOURS EVEN THOUGH WE’RE ALL WORKING TO THE SAME DEADLINE TAP TAP TAP.

They’re tapping so loudly you’re pretty sure they’re broken keys off their laptop.

The loud eaters

It’s a paradox: somehow you’ve sufficiently developed as a person, but managed to skip the part of being raised where you learned to chew with your mouth closed.

The whisperers

If I wanted a careless whisper, I’d be listening to George Michael. But I don’t, and I’m not, so please stop discussing how soon you’re going for a cig break.

The mothers meeting

Easy to spot: taking up a whole table, all with a flat white (probably decaf/coconut milk/semi-skimmed), marble phone cases and impeccably dressed, despite being in the library for the next 10 hours. But ha!!! They’re not here to work. No, this is an opportunity to hold the post mortem from the night before. There will be so many OMGs and NO WAYs and WHATs and you’re KIDDINGs, you’ll feel on set of an Angus Thongs and Perfect Snogging sequel.

The couple

We get it, you’re together. Stop licking each other’s faces from across the table because there’s a time and place and THIS ISN’T IT.

The people waiting for you to get out of your seat

They’re a bit like people on the tube, lingering around giving you the eyes that say “let me have your fucking seat”, except in the library they're not pregnant or elderly. They’re just lazy people who woke up at 10am and stupidly thought they could swan in and get a seat. You’re done with your work but you stand your ground and watch an episode of Netflix to prove a point.

Passive aggressive librarians

I got here at 7am, I’ve not slept, so excuse me if I go for lunch for an hour then a quick meeting with my tutor. What is not appreciated is the pass-agg note on my table with some dumb Microsoft Word picture of a clock and a man looking at his watch with the words “you’ve been out of your seat with an hour, please collect your belongings from reception”. Dickheads.

People that are sat watching Match of the Day for the literal whole library sesh

You are distracting me so much and why have you taken up a whole seat to do this?

Coffee shop workers who try to make conversation with you when all you want is your coffee

Mmmhm, yep I am really behind, and mm yes, that lecturer is a bit annoying. I’ve had more engaging conversations with Siri.

Bookshelf walkers who make eye-contact with you on each lap of their poundshop DofE experience

If this is your version of eye-fucking, we definitely won’t be shagging on the fourth floor.

Book hoggers who take all of the books out so you can’t write anything for your essay

Er let's be honest hun, you are definitely not going to get through nine secondary reading books.

Panickers who freak out over an essay crisis and make it everyone’s problem by sighing really loudly over and over again until someone asks “are you ok?”

I HAVE MY OWN PROBLEMS I CAN’T HELP YOU.

People who are like “oh so you have made an effort today”, which is an insult dressed up as a compliment

Yes I wanted to look nice, I spend 12 hours a day in here, I never see the sun. Forgive me if I want to put some heeled boots on.

Solid 8/10s

You’re definitely on your way to to steal library bae.

People who are too relaxed

How the fuck have you got time to backstalk yourself whilst watching Summer Heights High? Please stop doing that because you’re watching my favourite bit and now I want to do that but if I do I will fail.

Anyone in their pyjamas

This is purely performative – if there’s time to put books in a bag, put their shoes on, and come to the library, there’s time to slip some clothes on. That’s not to say they even need to shower, just don’t make a show of being hurried.

Those who eat oranges because they read once Vitamin C will give them energy

I can smell your orange from across the room.

The Yeezy crew

They bop around across all the floors in grey jogging bottoms and red Nike Air Max, throwing their water bottle in the air and catching it. These people will get a 2:2 in Business Management.

The people from your course who think they’re better than you

They live for library seats and exam season is the only time of the year they’re at the top of the foodchain. They get all up themselves because everyone starts asking for their notes.

The people who come in always in stash

They’re constantly putting on and taking off layers of their sports stash. They stop and talk to every single person they know and that’s a lot of people, because they know nearly everyone. They’re not there to do work, they see the library as a social scene.

The group of lads who try to make the library fun

HALF NAKED HALF HOUR IN THE LIBRARY IS NOT A THING.

People who don’t have impending deadlines or exams coming up

Get a fucking hobby.

Freshers

Easy to spot for no discernible reason other than they are, no good excuse exists for the fresher to be clogging up valuable library real estate. 40 per cent is easily doable in both a stupor and bed. In fact, anybody consciously trying to achieve more than is just trying to secure an internship at PWC with their fancy-pants 2:1.

Crisp eaters

You wouldn't do it in the cinema, so don't do it here.