All the boys you find on Tinder which make you want to stay single forever
We’re gonna be alone forever at this rate
When you first download Tinder you think you're going to be hit with a monsoon of fit boys who all look 8/10 and understand what a decent filter looks like.
But some (most) just manage to get it plain wrong. Whether it's their bad photo skills, vomit-inducing selfies or cringe and unoriginal bios which state "not looking for anything serious, just my first wife!", Tinder is still a breeding ground for boys who genuinely make you want to run for the nunnery. These are those boys:
The gym obsessive
Bio: Fruit, veg and gym emojis, followed by something like ‘work hard play harder’. And of course, their Instagram will be attached.
The PT’s profile is probably the most boring. Made up of black and white mirror pics and selfies of them sweating, it all concludes they have no life outside of the gym. In the chat he’ll claim to be a personal trainer to C-list celebs to try to impress you, but everything on his Instagram screams Pure Gym.
At the end of the day, this will never work because you don’t want a boyfriend who's forever reminding you of how much you don't go to the gym.
Bio: Music video producer by day, DJ by night. Fashion designer on the side.
The Creative is easy to spot. His bio lists all the creative industries you could possibly be part of, without really suggesting any of them are his actual full-time job. His sleeping habits say he doesn’t have a day job but somehow he can still afford to live in Dalston.
He looks unreliable from the word go, wearing a leather jacket and a single hoop in his ear. This look will be completed in a pic of him holding a ciggie in hand at an art exhibition or rooftop, accompanied by one of those very small round beanie hats which don't cover your ears.
Bio: A link to his Instagram and the name of a modelling agency you're pretty sure he made up.
All his photos are either in black and white or topless. There’s not a single normal photo of him at a festival, on holiday, or at a bar. In fact, you’re convinced he doesn’t even have any friends.
He gets money from monetised Instagram posts, recommending tooth whitening kits and various protein powders. He gets his friend with a Nikon to take pictures of him and calls it a “shoot”. He'll wear a choker, and think it's okay.
Bio: Please see PowerPoint as to why you should swipe right .
Each slide will make you loathe this human being more and more. He's so unoriginal, doing something which was funny two years ago. Imagine the shit jokes he'll be churning out on your first date.
The ruggers boy
Bio: Not looking for anything serious…..just my first wife!
His pictures will include the following: A picture of him and other posh boys at Twickers. A pic of him and his black Lab back in Berkshire and one of him mid-kick in a game of ruggers. The final pic will be of him in thick round-rimmed glasses, in a cream Jack Wills jumper sipping a frosty pint in a cosy pub.
He seems perfect, except when you match and say hey, he ruins everything by instantly asking you what school you went to.
Deep down you know this guy still calls home to ask what counts as a coloured wash, and returns to Berkshire every weekend to pick up his week's worth of mummy's spag bol.
‘Help I’m new to this!’ man
Bio: New to this dating thing, so go easy!
His bio screams dating app virgin: Grainy selfies and group pics with 20 men where none of them are obviously him. He probably just got out of a seven year relationship with his school-sweetheart, convinced they would be married by 25 – he’ll tell you this in his second message.
Saying 'New to this!’ in this bio is him hoping his naivety and obvious lack of confidence is appealing. It isn’t.
The BDSM guy
Bio: Into kinky, but in a harmless way.
There will only be pics of the back of his head, and when you ask why he’ll say it’s because "he doesn’t want people from work to see him on there". He won’t use his real name for the same reason.
He'll be wearing just normal jeans and a t-shirt, but will let you know once you start talking it is only when it is time for sex that the rubber comes out.
The party boy
Bio: When I’m not in Ibiza, you can find me in Maddox.
The party boy is easy to spot – an patterned shirt with all the buttons undone down to his belly-button, showing off his tanned chest. He'll be holding a magnum of Belvadere and the photo will be taken on a table of a club. His only hobby is nightlife, hence why he gave up his job in banking to fuck it all, go to Thailand, get a tattoo and work in the finance team of a start-up, which means #fridaybeers and #fridaybants.
Bio: Looking for someone to explore the world with 🙂 !
Mr Outdoors has forgotten this is a Tinder profile, not a DofE certificate. They have to prove they're super active, so all their pictures are them skiing, rock climbing, white water-rafting…it's exhausting to look at. You get some light entertainment out of the picture of him holding a massive fish, though.
He dresses a bit like you imagine his dad does: Flat cap, a ghastly wooly jumper with the collar of a pale blue shirt popping out the top. Some unbranded green wellies, and wrap-around sunglasses – because protecting your eyes against UVA is important.
The generic one
Bio: G&T drinker, pizza eater, travel-lover.
If there was a list of the most standard phrases used by men on dating apps (or even the internet, in fact), at the top would be gin-drinker, love travelling, and the pizza emoji. This man has all three.
His chat and dress sense are neither here nor there. His haircut is not quite right. His profile includes one picture of him in a checked shirt with a pint, and that’s exactly what you can expect from the date: 1-2 hours of very mediocre pub fun. The sex will be a set menu of predictable moves. More gastropub than Michelin star. The morning banter will be 0.
Bio: Contains at least three of the following emojis: The elephant, the world, the paw-prints, the red location pin, a leaf of some sort, the sunset, the caterpillar, or the orange cocktail that reminds of him of that Mai Tai he drank on a beach once.
The wanderlust is listed as “Olly” or “Jay”, but really has six three-syllable names and a trust fund. He’s wearing those baggy trousers that everyone buys on their gap yah with a wooden bead necklace and a bungee cord bracelet for good measure. It’s not that he doesn’t care about how he looks, it’s just that his time in East Asia really opened his eyes to the horrors of late capitalism and now the idea of buying fast fashion sickens him.
He doesn’t exactly have a job, but he’ll talk to you loads about how freeing that is, as if he isn’t claiming unemployment benefits to fund his travels. This one time in Australia he worked on a cattle ranch until he realised it was a bit too much like hard work.
The Snapchat man-child
Bio: sc lukeyman94. Looking for a laugh 😉
This guy is 23 but acts like a 15-year-old. Unashamed of pouting, his pics will be of saved Snapchat stories, including one which says 'cba for work today’ that shouldn’t have been on their story let alone their leading Tinder pic. They’re not ashamed to experiment with the dog filter, as long as they’re comfy lying in bed when doing it.
They'll have minging clothes which you can smell through your phone, gelled back hair, and they deff still wear Lynx Africa.
Group photo man
Bio: I’m the one with brown hair .
They all have brown hair.
Every picture on his profile features at least four painfully standard, painfully similar looking guys, with Dark Fruits in hand. As you browse through, you hope that he is one of the slightly taller, better looking ones, but can guarantee he is probably the little one on the end.
He thinks it adds a little bit of mystery for girls, them not knowing who he is, when in fact it's a massive put-off. If you can be arsed swiping right and messaging him asking which one he is, it is most likely he will reply something like, “Guess ;)” just to avoid admitting his true identity.
Bio: Run my own business.
Obviously, he has CEO written loud and clear on his profile. His dating profile is essentially an extension of his LinkedIn, just six professional shots of him in a change of suits. He generally has no sense of style (side note – why do newly rich people never have any style?): Rolex watches, many many suits, strictly professional headshots which were clearly part of a full day’s photoshoot. But hey, at least the date will consist of you and whole load of cocktails at rooftop bar, even if you have to listen to drone about how much of a self-made man he is. P.s. ‘Self Employed’ is different and is code for unemployed and we are very aware of that.
Contributions from: Grace Withers, Lucy Woodham, Lorna Colwill, Mared Parry, Robyn Gunn, Annie Lord, Lucy Woodham, Diyora Shadijanova, Roxy Alejandro, Grace Vielma, Hayley Soen.