78 things that definitely happened during first term at uni
You’ve developed an incredible ability to tactical chunder
Being home for Christmas means you've completed the first term of university. The bank balance is currently sitting at -£750, you've picked up smoking (but still can't smoke rollies), and have tried out being vegan and gluten free in your quest to reinvent yourself.
But there's plenty of other things that will have inevitably happened during first term at university, 78 to be exact:
1. Increased your overdraft from £250 to £1,500
"It's all part of the university experience", you convinced yourself.
2. Developed a genuine hatred for the following:
– Circuit laundry
– Halls cleaners
3. YouTubed 'how to bomb MDMA' after buying a gram
And subsequently dropped £20 worth on your carpet, then called your dealer to see if they would mind doing it – cringe.
4. Went to a house night in some sweaty basement and pretended to really enjoy it
Yeaaahhh techno acid house and the same repetitive beat is soooooo fun *cries thinking about the SU playing Little Mix*.
5. Decided once and for all which flavour of VK is your favourite
If it's blue you're filth.
6. Completed Netflix from all the missed lectures
So I've watched The Crown, Suits, Mad Men, Riverdale, Orange is the New Black, Making a Murderer (twice) and Breaking Bad, wbu?
7. Spent £150+ on societies, of which you went to one social
Hello trampolining society.
8. Mastered the delicacy that is pesto pasta
Although you still don't know how much dry pasta is enough for one person.
9. Asked your parents for an emergency loan
Mum thinks the money went on textbooks but it actually went on ASOS and Deliveroo.
10. Sold half your clothes on eBay to try and get some money together
99p winning price for these brand new pair of Vans? I guess every little counts!
11. Picked up an STI
And now know all the sexual health clinicians by name from the amount of times you've gone to get checked out this term, thanks to all those rugby boys.
12. Panicked that 40 per cent is actually quite hard to achieve
Everyone who says first year is a doss is a liar.
13. Got a gym membership and went to one spin class before passing out
You regularly wore gym kit to lectures to give the impression you're a fitness queen, when really you were just wearing them for maximum comfort.
14. Picked up smoking, or at least social smoking
Straights only though.
15. Agreed to move into a house with people you don’t speak to anymore
You decided in Freshers' you were going to be best friends for life, and promised each other you would live together in second year. Now you're tied into a year long rental and you've probably been landed the box room – and that's all to come next September!
16. Decided that ⅗ of your flatmates are cunts
One of them probably designated you the box room.
17. Cheated on your boyfriend/girlfriend
Your new uni friends aren't loyal to your home boyfriend/girlfriend yet, so it's only slightly awkward going out with your flatmates and home bae when they're up visiting.
18. Rinsed your student loan way too early on
Excuse me Mr Banker, I don't remember spending £327.25 on Tropical VK and chicken nuggets ? ?
19. Shagged your flatmate
This was inevitable.
20. Then were given the age-old advice to NEVER “shit where you eat”
You still didn’t listen to it and you're definitely friends with benefits now, right under your housemates' noses.
21. Did all the work for a group project
And haven't spoken to those people in your seminar since.
22. Tried to be a vegan for a week when everyone decided it was cool
Half your student loan went on different flavours of hummus for seven days and you were miserable.
23. Became a flexitarian because you like chicken nuggets too much
You impress people by saying you're a vegetarian in your updated Instagram bio, but slyly smash a Domino's Meat Feast behind closed doors.
24. Visited your hometown and realised everyone’s turned into a dickhead
Especially if they went to Durham or York and now wear their college football tie to your market town reunion in Wetherspoons.
"Uni is SO HARD."
26. Made a solid relationship with your favourite kebab shop owner
You probably now feature on either their Instagram or Twitter, and will never accomplish anything greater in your following 2.5 years at uni.
27. Kissed a rugby boy and regretted it
28. Shagged a rugby boy and regretted it
29. Were basically tortured in a sports initiation
And swiftly dropped out after realising you couldn’t align yourself with those bellends.
30. Downloaded Sims, smashed it for a week
Then realised not showering or moving from your bed for seven days to look after your Sims was weird.
31. Lied about taking drugs "all the time" prior to uni
When it came to actually trying MD for the first time, you either fell in love with chewing your jaw off and having dilated pupils, or swore you would never fall into that sweaty abyss again.
32. Became a specialist at telling promoters to fuck off
Knock knock, £1 off entry and a free shot if you buy now guys, it's gonna be EPIC!
33. Pretended you were dying of freshers’ flu to get out of a deadline
It didn't work.
34. Said you’re from London when you’re actually from a surrounding county
You live in Horsham and probably venture into London every couple of months, like everybody else.
35. Made a new group of mates you currently love, but will potentially hate next term
At your flat Christmas meal you found out Will is a Tory and Phoebe doesn't believe in feminism because it's "man-hating". They will be culled from the group chat in second term.
36. Put on loads of weight
Who knew a diet of toast, Pot Noodle and mum's chocolate care packages would make such a difference??
37. Then lost loads of weight when you could no longer afford food
Rice and beans are delicious!
38. Abandoned the friends you made during Freshers’ Week
They still insisted you should come round for pres on Wednesday when you got caught talking to them in the Circuit laundry room. You always answered with "awhh I'm busy Wednesday soz!" – You weren't.
39. Avoided the library all term and then pulled a 36 hour stint for a 2,000 word essay
Plus somehow managed to pull off a 2:1, which you naturally boasted about.
40. Realised introductory lectures are pointless
I know what this module is about, I picked it.
41. Applied for extenuating circumstances
After you realised your deadline was in 48 hours.
42. Didn’t read any of the books on your course
Why read when you can be on a night out, right???
43. But became that heinous person who takes all the books out when given an essay
And renewed them several times, despite not opening a single one.
44. Realised all the heels and short dresses you brought to uni are useless now
Everyone is in Air Max and outfits that look like they’re from a Sports Direct catalogue.
45. Said at least once you’re thinking of dropping out
Which was mainly when you stalked all your mates on their year off in Australia.
46. Mastered strawpeedoing a VK
And holding five at a time.
47. Sat with someone in the first lecture and have since felt compelled to sit with them every single day
You've exhausted all small talk so now you just sit in silence.
48. Lived off the library cafe for weeks during exam period
Your diet consisted of Nature’s Best cereal bars, stale cookies and tuna melt paninis.
49. Wrote an essay, 90 per cent of which came directly from Sparknotes
Fuck you Turn It In, try and plagiarise me.
50. Made a library boyfriend/girlfriend
You sat next to them everyday ogling and eye-fucking. The commitment was real.
51. Saw your library boyfriend/girlfriend with their actual partner and felt genuinely betrayed
And moved seats because the pain was too real.
52. Racked up over £60 worth of library fines
Your stupidity and carelessness is funding the miscellaneous book section in every library.
53. Nearly had a threesome
Less said about it the better.
54. Made a friend who is the most annoying drunk in the whole world (who clings onto you on every night out)
They're probably one of the three people in your flat you've decided is a cunt.
55. Handed in all of your essays at the last minute
First year doesn't count right!??
56. Fell insanely in love with someone on your course even though you’ve never spoken to them
You're convinced the next three years are going to be like a film: fast forward 40 years and you'll have a mortgage together in Surrey with two Labradors.
57. Changed your style completely and immediately realised you’d wasted all your money in an overpriced vintage shop
You smelt like damp the entire term.
58. Regretted going to your uni
Who the fuck thought going to uni in Wales was a good idea?
59. Defended your uni to the death to all your mates back home
Going to Wales was literally the best decision I've ever made and I will fight anyone who thinks otherwise.
60. Everyone heard you shagging because the walls in halls are so thin
You stayed clear of all your housemates for the following week out of pure embarrassment.
61. Missed home
I just miss me mum so much :'(
62. Asked your mum to send you pictures of your dogs
63. Defied science by sustaining yourself solely on frozen pizzas for the entire term
Your flatmates had to do an intervention because the smell of Texas BBQ pizza was too strong for the third night in a row.
64. Doubled your shirt number when someone asked how many people you’ve slept with
28, I swear.
65. Developed an incredible ability to tactical chunder
No night was cut short by you.
66. Threw up in a taxi on the way home from the club
And paid a £50 fine.
67. Told all your new flatmates your embarrassing sexual encounters on the first night in Never Have I Ever
Daniel didn't want to know about your anal horror-story during his second drink of the night.
68. Went all Heston Blumenthal and created the most out there food because you were so broke
Tomato ketchup and a bit of water in the microwave was the perfect substitute for tomato soup.
69. Unashamedly chanted from the moment you left pres until you got to the club front door
WEEEEE LIKE TO DRINK WITH SARAH, COS SARAH IS OUR MATE, AND WHEN WE DRINK WITH SARAH, SHE GETS IT DOWN IN EIGHT, SEVEN, SIX, FIX, FOURRRR, THREEEEEEEEEE, TWOOOOOOOO, TWO AND A HAAAAALF, ONE, ZERO!!!!!!
70. Accidentally started speaking with an accent a little bit rougher than your own and having to cling onto it
No one can know about your second home in Cornwall yet.
71. Promised someone you’d pay them back for that cab fare from town and never spoke to them again
You owe them about £12 but fuck them.
72. Got kicked out of a club, and it definitely wasn’t your fault
Being sick over the SU bouncer did not constitute a life-time ban in your opinion.
73. Developed a habit of carefully stealing other people’s food
You pretended someone was stealing your food to remove any suspicion people may have that you were the flat thief.
74. Took too many drugs in one go and convinced yourself you were going to die
Oh so this is what a K-hole is!
75. Spent loads of money on fancy dress you only wore once for sports socials
You probably don't even want to be on the hockey team now.
76. Did the walk of shame through halls or across campus
Conveniently the guy or girl you actually like walked past you as you were nearing your flat door. They've never looked at you the same way.
77. Developed an insatiably deep love for cheesy chips
They are your religion now.
78. Started smoking in your room in halls
You regretted it when your mum came to pick you up and could smell it on the curtains.
Photo credits: Swingers Newcastle, Salvation Wednesdays York, Rascals Edinburgh, Creme Soda Edinburgh, YOLO Cardiff.