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78 things that definitely happened during first term at uni

You’ve developed an incredible ability to tactical chunder


Being home for Christmas means you've completed the first term of university. The bank balance is currently sitting at -£750, you've picked up smoking (but still can't smoke rollies), and have tried out being vegan and gluten free in your quest to reinvent yourself.

But there's plenty of other things that will have inevitably happened during first term at university, 78 to be exact:

1. Increased your overdraft from £250 to £1,500

"It's all part of the university experience", you convinced yourself.

2. Developed a genuine hatred for the following:

– Circuit laundry

– Halls cleaners

– Eduroam

3. YouTubed 'how to bomb MDMA' after buying a gram

And subsequently dropped £20 worth on your carpet, then called your dealer to see if they would mind doing it – cringe.

4. Went to a house night in some sweaty basement and pretended to really enjoy it

Yeaaahhh techno acid house and the same repetitive beat is soooooo fun *cries thinking about the SU playing Little Mix*.

5. Decided once and for all which flavour of VK is your favourite

If it's blue you're filth.

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She'll need another term to learn the error of her ways

6. Completed Netflix from all the missed lectures

So I've watched The Crown, Suits, Mad Men, Riverdale, Orange is the New Black, Making a Murderer (twice) and Breaking Bad, wbu?

7. Spent £150+ on societies, of which you went to one social

Hello trampolining society.

8. Mastered the delicacy that is pesto pasta

Although you still don't know how much dry pasta is enough for one person.

9. Asked your parents for an emergency loan

Mum thinks the money went on textbooks but it actually went on ASOS and Deliveroo.

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Hello is this the bank of mum and dad??

10. Sold half your clothes on eBay to try and get some money together

99p winning price for these brand new pair of Vans? I guess every little counts!

11. Picked up an STI

And now know all the sexual health clinicians by name from the amount of times you've gone to get checked out this term, thanks to all those rugby boys.

12. Panicked that 40 per cent is actually quite hard to achieve

Everyone who says first year is a doss is a liar.

13. Got a gym membership and went to one spin class before passing out

You regularly wore gym kit to lectures to give the impression you're a fitness queen, when really you were just wearing them for maximum comfort.

14. Picked up smoking, or at least social smoking

Straights only though.

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Rolling is a mystery to me

15. Agreed to move into a house with people you don’t speak to anymore

You decided in Freshers' you were going to be best friends for life, and promised each other you would live together in second year. Now you're tied into a year long rental and you've probably been landed the box room – and that's all to come next September!

16. Decided that ⅗ of your flatmates are cunts

One of them probably designated you the box room.

17. Cheated on your boyfriend/girlfriend

Your new uni friends aren't loyal to your home boyfriend/girlfriend yet, so it's only slightly awkward going out with your flatmates and home bae when they're up visiting.

18. Rinsed your student loan way too early on

Excuse me Mr Banker, I don't remember spending £327.25 on Tropical VK and chicken nuggets ? ?

19. Shagged your flatmate

This was inevitable.

20. Then were given the age-old advice to NEVER “shit where you eat”

You still didn’t listen to it and you're definitely friends with benefits now, right under your housemates' noses.

21. Did all the work for a group project

And haven't spoken to those people in your seminar since.

22. Tried to be a vegan for a week when everyone decided it was cool

Half your student loan went on different flavours of hummus for seven days and you were miserable.

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23. Became a flexitarian because you like chicken nuggets too much

You impress people by saying you're a vegetarian in your updated Instagram bio, but slyly smash a Domino's Meat Feast behind closed doors.

24. Visited your hometown and realised everyone’s turned into a dickhead

Especially if they went to Durham or York and now wear their college football tie to your market town reunion in Wetherspoons.

25. Cried

"Uni is SO HARD."

26. Made a solid relationship with your favourite kebab shop owner

You probably now feature on either their Instagram or Twitter, and will never accomplish anything greater in your following 2.5 years at uni.

27. Kissed a rugby boy and regretted it

*Shudders*

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Exhibit A: Rugby boy in his natural habitat of being a tosser

28. Shagged a rugby boy and regretted it

*Double shudders*

29. Were basically tortured in a sports initiation

And swiftly dropped out after realising you couldn’t align yourself with those bellends.

30. Downloaded Sims, smashed it for a week

Then realised not showering or moving from your bed for seven days to look after your Sims was weird.

31. Lied about taking drugs "all the time" prior to uni

When it came to actually trying MD for the first time, you either fell in love with chewing your jaw off and having dilated pupils, or swore you would never fall into that sweaty abyss again.

32. Became a specialist at telling promoters to fuck off

Knock knock, £1 off entry and a free shot if you buy now guys, it's gonna be EPIC!

No.

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Don't come near me

33. Pretended you were dying of freshers’ flu to get out of a deadline

It didn't work.

34. Said you’re from London when you’re actually from a surrounding county

You live in Horsham and probably venture into London every couple of months, like everybody else.

35. Made a new group of mates you currently love, but will potentially hate next term

At your flat Christmas meal you found out Will is a Tory and Phoebe doesn't believe in feminism because it's "man-hating". They will be culled from the group chat in second term.

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They'll hate each other soon

36. Put on loads of weight

Who knew a diet of toast, Pot Noodle and mum's chocolate care packages would make such a difference??

37. Then lost loads of weight when you could no longer afford food

Rice and beans are delicious!

38. Abandoned the friends you made during Freshers’ Week

They still insisted you should come round for pres on Wednesday when you got caught talking to them in the Circuit laundry room. You always answered with "awhh I'm busy Wednesday soz!" – You weren't.

39. Avoided the library all term and then pulled a 36 hour stint for a 2,000 word essay

Plus somehow managed to pull off a 2:1, which you naturally boasted about.

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Me after 1 hour lol x

40. Realised introductory lectures are pointless

I know what this module is about, I picked it.

41. Applied for extenuating circumstances

After you realised your deadline was in 48 hours.

42. Didn’t read any of the books on your course

Why read when you can be on a night out, right???

43. But became that heinous person who takes all the books out when given an essay

And renewed them several times, despite not opening a single one.

44. Realised all the heels and short dresses you brought to uni are useless now

Everyone is in Air Max and outfits that look like they’re from a Sports Direct catalogue.

45. Said at least once you’re thinking of dropping out

Which was mainly when you stalked all your mates on their year off in Australia.

46. Mastered strawpeedoing a VK

And holding five at a time.

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Nailed it

47. Sat with someone in the first lecture and have since felt compelled to sit with them every single day

You've exhausted all small talk so now you just sit in silence.

48. Lived off the library cafe for weeks during exam period

Your diet consisted of Nature’s Best cereal bars, stale cookies and tuna melt paninis.

49. Wrote an essay, 90 per cent of which came directly from Sparknotes

Fuck you Turn It In, try and plagiarise me.

50. Made a library boyfriend/girlfriend

You sat next to them everyday ogling and eye-fucking. The commitment was real.

51. Saw your library boyfriend/girlfriend with their actual partner and felt genuinely betrayed

And moved seats because the pain was too real.

52. Racked up over £60 worth of library fines

Your stupidity and carelessness is funding the miscellaneous book section in every library.

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Hi mum can you pay for my £60 library fines please!!!!!!

53. Nearly had a threesome

Less said about it the better.

54. Made a friend who is the most annoying drunk in the whole world (who clings onto you on every night out)

They're probably one of the three people in your flat you've decided is a cunt.

55. Handed in all of your essays at the last minute

First year doesn't count right!??

56. Fell insanely in love with someone on your course even though you’ve never spoken to them

You're convinced the next three years are going to be like a film: fast forward 40 years and you'll have a mortgage together in Surrey with two Labradors.

57. Changed your style completely and immediately realised you’d wasted all your money in an overpriced vintage shop

You smelt like damp the entire term.

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This is our vibe now don't @ us

58. Regretted going to your uni

Who the fuck thought going to uni in Wales was a good idea?

59. Defended your uni to the death to all your mates back home

Going to Wales was literally the best decision I've ever made and I will fight anyone who thinks otherwise.

60. Everyone heard you shagging because the walls in halls are so thin

You stayed clear of all your housemates for the following week out of pure embarrassment.

61. Missed home

I just miss me mum so much :'(

62. Asked your mum to send you pictures of your dogs

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63. Defied science by sustaining yourself solely on frozen pizzas for the entire term

Your flatmates had to do an intervention because the smell of Texas BBQ pizza was too strong for the third night in a row.

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This is my diet now

64. Doubled your shirt number when someone asked how many people you’ve slept with

28, I swear.

65. Developed an incredible ability to tactical chunder

No night was cut short by you.

66. Threw up in a taxi on the way home from the club

And paid a £50 fine.

67. Told all your new flatmates your embarrassing sexual encounters on the first night in Never Have I Ever

Daniel didn't want to know about your anal horror-story during his second drink of the night.

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Let me tell you more stuff about my sex life woohooo!

68. Went all Heston Blumenthal and created the most out there food because you were so broke

Tomato ketchup and a bit of water in the microwave was the perfect substitute for tomato soup.

69. Unashamedly chanted from the moment you left pres until you got to the club front door

WEEEEE LIKE TO DRINK WITH SARAH, COS SARAH IS OUR MATE, AND WHEN WE DRINK WITH SARAH, SHE GETS IT DOWN IN EIGHT, SEVEN, SIX, FIX, FOURRRR, THREEEEEEEEEE, TWOOOOOOOO, TWO AND A HAAAAALF, ONE, ZERO!!!!!!

70. Accidentally started speaking with an accent a little bit rougher than your own and having to cling onto it

No one can know about your second home in Cornwall yet.

71. Promised someone you’d pay them back for that cab fare from town and never spoke to them again

You owe them about £12 but fuck them.

72. Got kicked out of a club, and it definitely wasn’t your fault

Being sick over the SU bouncer did not constitute a life-time ban in your opinion.

73. Developed a habit of carefully stealing other people’s food

You pretended someone was stealing your food to remove any suspicion people may have that you were the flat thief.

74. Took too many drugs in one go and convinced yourself you were going to die

Oh so this is what a K-hole is!

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I will never wear this outfit again. Ever.

75. Spent loads of money on fancy dress you only wore once for sports socials

You probably don't even want to be on the hockey team now.

76. Did the walk of shame through halls or across campus

Conveniently the guy or girl you actually like walked past you as you were nearing your flat door. They've never looked at you the same way.

77. Developed an insatiably deep love for cheesy chips

They are your religion now.

78. Started smoking in your room in halls

You regretted it when your mum came to pick you up and could smell it on the curtains.

Photo credits: Swingers Newcastle, Salvation Wednesdays York, Rascals Edinburgh, Creme Soda Edinburgh, YOLO Cardiff.