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I’m not ashamed to say it: Posh boys are by far the hottest people at uni

Mum and dad, I’ve failed you and I’m sorry

There is an issue which is baffling girls around the country. This issue isn't about cuffing season, fuckboys or Christmas – no, the problem is much, much more serious than that.

It's this: What is it about posh boys that makes them so irresistible?

When you think about it, it doesn't really add up. They probably still call their mum 'mummy', definitely voted Leave, and make it so obvious they have far more money than you. But regardless of their dickhead behaviour, they're still so fit?!

On the surface their qualities are the worst – but after a kiss on each cheek and the inevitable "so what school did you go to???", you're hooked. Like yeah, I watch Made in Chelsea and call Harry Baron a dick every episode, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't go there if I was on the show.

These are the things I would whisper in secrecy out of pure shame when explaining why posh boys are the fittest on campus – but now I'm going to tell because the world needs to understand.

They wear clothes you normally hate like pastel coloured chinos and boat shoes

How you're still attracted to them in white jeans and an open shirt is a mystery. Coloured chinos, which usually repulse you, suddenly don't as soon as you hear his Home Counties accent. They wear a signet ring, have coiffured floppy hair and own a pair of Russell & Bromley's just for casual wear, worn with a pair of garish designer socks which aren't even a TK Maxx knock off. But it is a v-i-b-e (somehow).

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The more rah their nickname, the better

If they don't have a nickname which 'the boys' heckle to one another across the club, they instantly go down in estimations. Dingo, Monty, Pongo, Tupps, Tatty, Piggers – whatever it is, having a ridiculous nickname which relates to a humiliating experience during private school takes them from a six to an eight out of 10.

You know you'll always go to fancy places on dates

Eager to impress and show off their trust fund, posh boys always take you to the most expensive places. Rooftop restaurants, secret bars, that members club you've heard of but would never go, because a) you're not a member and b) you can't justify spending £16 on a gin and tonic – are all the types of places which are the norm for these posh tottys. And because they suggested these places which would require you to move back home rent-free to regularly go to, they pay for everything!

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They fucking love their mums more than they could ever love you…but somehow that's sweet!!??

Yeah yeah everyone loves their mum, but posh boys really love their mum. They'll probably still call them mummy and put on a 'silly' voice on the phone to her, which deep down you absolutely despise but somehow you let it slide because that's just his sweet, sheltered upbringing shining through.

His minor Oedipus Complex means it's essential for you to get on with the mother also. But that's easy – just say the White Company Seychelles candle is simply divine, that Jo Malone Pomegranate Noir is far too common now and the only way to cook a casserole is in a La Creuset.

The way they call you darling, sweetie or babe in their really, really posh accent

Any other man and you'd be having a go for saying any of those terms, but boys with a posh accent seems to have a license to call you whatever they like.

Public school has left them with impeccable manners

Some people don't think a guy should let you go first, or hold a door open for you, or push out your chair for you to sit on, but do you know what? I fucking like all those traditions and so do posh boys. They'll also know how to hold a knife and fork properly – so definitely one to take home to mama.

And public school has left them with hobbies which you thought people just joked about

Oh you actually play polo?? You actually ride on a horse with a big stick and I walk on the field at half time stamping the grass spilling Veuve Clicquot?? Fine by me.

You know they're going to be a raging Tory, and unashamedly so

His dad is responsible for all 29 Conservative placards put up in the town, calls Jeremy Corbyn a twat all through the Today programme and doesn't really believe in global warming. But that's okay, you're willing to forget about your moral conscience and their hatred of the fox hunting ban and free movement, because he probably doesn't agree with his family's Tory heritage anyway….right?