The shoes you wear everyday determine how much of a fuckboy you really are
Stay clear of boys in Nike sliders and white socks
As fuckboys morph into ever more subtle and mysterious forms, you can no longer identify them simply via their Obey cap and 2am "you up?" DMs.
Now they hide their black soul behind cute glasses and flannel shirts. They might walk around with novels, or open doors for you. But do not be fooled, behind your back they're swiping right on your best mate's Tinder profile.
Best way to sniff them out? Look at their shoes.
He works in finance and makes a point of going out in a blazer so people know he's earning slightly above the London living wage.
Politics: Has a tendency to be very #notallmen.
Date: Will take you to some expensive, all glass restaurant which describes itself as "modern European dining". Halfway through your steak tartare you'll notice his jaw is jutting out at intervals. You either join him in the toilets or endure a series of confusing conversation tangents before getting the bus home alone.
Danger rating: 4/10
Why? He's super attached to his mum, goes back home to visit her in Essex every other weekend. Your lasagne will never be as good as hers.
Looks like James from the current series of The Apprentice:
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"Hey it's 3 for 2 on Jägerbomb's tonight at TupTup". Meet promoter fuckboy. He wears his black North Face puffer so much you start to think it's part of his skin.
Political opinions: Is upset about Brexit because those trips to Ibiza are going to cost approximately £200 more.
Date: Drinks at somewhere cheap and unofficially cool.
Danger rating: 3/10
Why? His mutually inoffensive style means this fuckboy gets with lots of women. Despite joining his hareem, you're also not annoyed when your best friend snogs him five weeks later.
Constantly corrects you when you say trainers. He says: "Sneakers babe, they're called sneakers".
Political opinions: Literally doesn't have a clue but after seeing it blow up on Instagram he whacks out "ohhhhh Je-re-my Corrrrbyn", every time he's at Warehouse Project.
Where he'd take you on a date? A Garage night. When you accidentally spill gin and tonic on his trainers, he's upset even though it hasn't stained. He 'forgives' you, but continues to bring it up throughout the night: "No honestly it's fine – they were £125 but honestly it's fine."
Danger rating: 6/10
Why? He'd rather loose you than his pair of Yeezy boosts.
3 EYELET DR MARTENS
Pseudo-philosophy fuckboy, he might not know anything about Immanuel Kant but he's seen a TED talk about ethics so reckons he's enlightening. When he's not talking about how weed cures cancer, he'll be persuading you that sex lifts you into the 9th dimension.
Politics: So woke he's one step away from flagellating his own back to apologise for going to private school.
Date: You'll both get stoned watching Blue Planet before you give him a lifeless slow-mo blow job.
Danger rating: 7/10
Why? You'll have sticky-sweet dreams about him, you want to be the muse of his first manifesto. But it turns out he's getting with the girl that makes shit points in his seminars.
This guy is so wedge his body looks like a slice of white Hovis. He looks at you less like a human and more like a lean cut of beef. When you have sex he stares at your calves tensing and imagines them pulsing on the step machine.
Politics: Votes Tory because his parents do, he hasn't thought about it beyond that, the walls of his local Pure Gym are devoid of political debate.
Dates: You never eat out because all he eats is chicken, eggs, brown rice and Whey protein shakes. All of which can be found in Tupperware containers within a 0.5 metre radius of his body at all times.
Danger rating: 1.5/10
Why? He doesn't have much to say except how to keep good form during a squat, but during your fling you'll get an Instagram worthy thigh crease.
This guy pines for the time when it was acceptable for everyone's mum to buy their shoes from Clarks. He's often found in a loud purple leavers hoodie, four years after leaving school.
Date: He'd take you on a date to Zizzi's and on bill paying time, get out his 3 for 2 voucher.
Politics: Thinks everyone needs to calm down, will often decry to his friends: "What's happened to the political centre ground?" Corbyn is frankly unrealistic but Theresa May's austerity goes too far.
Danger rating: 6.5/10
Why? Despite the painfully platonic nature of your exchanges, he'll fall out with you when you cut it. He thinks you owe him something because he's nice.
LEATHER SHOE AND A PATTERNED SOCK
This guy's tongue lolls around like it's weighed down by the sheer magnitude of his own wealth. If you both have a mutual boarding school connection he'll be dtf. When he says French words he pronounces them in an accent, e.g. "Lacoste" becomes, "leughcoste".
Political opinions: Loves laughing in a guttural manner at the prospect of Corbyn running the country. Makes dramatic statements like "I'll go and live in the Tuscany house if he wins the next general election." And he's not even joking.
Date: If he really likes you you'll end up doing an activity you thought only existed on BBC period dramas like croquet or boules. Don't be surprised if his mum makes an appearance.
Danger rating: 6/10
Why? Goes skiing and ends up leaving you for a girl that went to Cheltenham Ladies College with his cousin's sisters best friend. He'll say "it's such a small world", and you'll think, "more like your world is small".
In his coffin this fuckboy will still be wearing Adidas Sambas. He's been buying pairs of these since he was 12. Also has an Eastpak, short back and sides, a navy top with a tribal print pocket purchased from H&M, a comfortable 2:1 in the works and an entirely forgettable name of four letters: Luke/John/Mark/Pete.
Political opinions: Loves shitting over fun conversations by bringing up Brexit. "It's interesting what you say about VKs", he'll start, "if we want to ensure continued supply May must secure access to the single market." Please stop, my ears are actually bleeding. This is not going to be solved at 2am on a Tuesday night in Bournemouth.
Danger rating: 0.5/10
Why? You'll actually forget you got with him.
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This fuckboy wears Beats by Dre headphones as though they are required as a neck support. His eyebrows will out-fleek your own, 100 per cent he got them threaded in his local shopping centre.
Politics: Still thinks you have to be a lesbian to be a feminist.
Date: Again, Nando's.
Danger rating: 3/10
Why? He was fun but it definitely wasn't going anywhere. Every now and again you'll both enjoy a disco snog together under the frosty club lights of your local TigerTiger.
6 EYELET DR MARTENS
More interested in strumming his acoustic guitar than strumming your clit. He looks at you from under his overgrown fringe and reckons he's got lot to teach you about musical authenticity and how Justin Bieber (not wealth inequality, racism or homophobia…) has led him to loose faith in humanity. He also still thinks Camden is cool.
Political opinions: Enjoys calling all politicians poncey cunts, provides little other political analysis.
Danger rating: 7/10
Why? He would cheat on you with himself.
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So self-interested he considers himself an artist even though he's never painted a canvas in his life. Enjoys low-culture and 90s girl bands but only ever ironically. In fact, all his cultural tastes are ironic.
Date: He takes you to his friend's performance art exhibition, you walk in and there's a woman in the centre of the room yelling whilst smothering herself in butter.
Political opinions: Doesn't have much to say about the economy but is deeply passionate about identity politics. Always goes on about how much he hates cis men even though he is one.
Danger rating: 2/10
Why? You won't get too hurt because from the beginning he made it clear that he's sleeping with other people. He never stops talking about how monogamy is a societal construct.
RED NIKE AIR MAX
Don't look at them for too long, these shoes will damage your retina. This guy uses peacocking to get with women. He enjoys Snapchat filters more than you do, especially the deer one because it really tightens the pores.
Politics: Thinks the Labour party is a group of bricklayers that hold social events.
Date: This guy doesn't date, the best thing his girlfriend of two years got was a trip to Nando's during which he spent the whole time watching Snapchat stories of Seth Troxler's gig at Digital.
Danger rating: 7.5/10
Why? You're drinking together at a bar, it's going well but when he heads to the toilet you see him doing that thing men do where they accompany an "excuse me" with an uncomfortable hip rub.
Will have blonde hair whooshed to the side and will be wearing a peachy low-neck jersey or a pastel stripy shirt. His feet permanently smell from chafing.
Politics: Loves telling everyone about Toms' ethical business practices: "You know that for every one shoe we buy, they give another to someone who needs them". But beyond ethical consumption he struggles to make any personal sacrifices. He is horrified at the thought of Corbyn taking a percentage of his inheritance fund.
Date: Bland with a sprinkle of poshness.
Danger rating: 1/10
Why? No woman would fall for a man in Toms unless she knows exactly what she's getting herself in for.
GENERIC WORK SHOES
This fuckboy did Stoptober, you know this because his favourite thing to do is to talk about Stoptober and its health benefits.
He has one of those jobs that doesn't make any sense like "executive assistant modulator" or something. He explains it three times but all you grasp is that it involves numbers and computers.
Political views: He tells you that he wanted to vote Labour, "but you know it's just not realistic". When asked why it's not realistic he mutters something about the deficit.
Date: Offers to pay for dinner but he will only let you order from the 'under £8' section. He'll have two lagers before telling you he needs an early night, "got work tomorrow."
Danger rating: 9/10
Why? You'll get with him because you're pining for structure in life. He ends up sucking the fun out of everything until you're as boring as him, telling people: "I can't come out tonight, I've got to put a wash on."
NIKE SLIDERS AND WHITE SPORT SOCKS
Used to be the rugby captain at school, now his only cultural references are those that revolve around ketamine. He dresses like someone off Eastender's bar the signet ring on his finger.
Politics: Still thinks Boris Johnson is a legend because he's got funny hair. Also shares memes of Corbyn with his bag of cans even though both politicians have completely different opinions.
Date: You go round to his and join the eight people gurning on his sofa with a bag of powder.
Danger rating: 9.9999/10
Why? You'll have weird drug sex during which you intermittently think you're covered with scales. You totally fall for him but after three dates he leaves you for a girl that has an Ellese tracksuit for every uni assignment she's failed to hand in.
The kind of guy that wears a top with a picture of a really fit girl covering her tits with a bottle of JD. Thinks going down on women is gross and believes boobs to be the height of eroticism. Has never had a female friend in his life. Fringe is waxed upwards with wet look gel.
Politics: Enjoys calling Theresa May a bitch.
Date: He takes you to PRYSM and when you tell him in the taxi home that you don't want to have sex with him he'll accuse you of leading him on.
Danger rating: 8/10
Why? He appears to believe by engaging in conversation the two of you have entered a sexual contract.