VOTE NOW: Which uni course produces the biggest fuckboys?
If you go for a Sports Science lad you know what’s coming
A few years ago, there was only one type of fuckboy. You know, the type who’d leave you on read and only see you when it suited him. He’d say the right things as you were blissfully unaware he was direct messaging the same sweet sentiments to other girls on Twitter. Yet we sussed those guys out – we became immune to them.
But in 2017 fuckboys are everywhere and they’re evolving. No longer are they obvious about their fuckboy ways. Oh no, they fuck you over subtly, somehow making you think it’s your fault, and uni is the perfect ground for their experimentation.
Every degree has a distinct type of fuckboy. These fuckboys fraternise with each other and become more and more hazardous as the uni years pass. But which course has the worst fuckboys of all? Here’s the rundown:
He’ll own North Face clothes but not the type you find in Urban Outfitters. Instead he’s in practical fleeces and practical thermals. He’s practical, bit nerdy and mildly interesting.
How they will fuck you over: Literally caring more about a fossil 65 million years older than you.
How to spot them: He’ll be wearing cargo pants with lots of pockets for all his little notebooks, pencils, sharpeners and brushes on the off chance they come across a fossil in the middle of Manchester.
What they’ll text you at 2am: “Do you fancy going on a holiday to Greece?”
They’ll talk about their dream of building you a beautiful house in the countryside, with an aesthetically pleasing open window. They’ll mention how they’ve volunteered in other countries building houses making them out to be charitable and good willed.
How they will fuck you over: Turns out he’s shagged half his course because they’re in 9-5 and really only envisions single, carefree life until at least 27.
How to spot them: Normally wearing a baggy designer jumper their rich parents got them, skinny jeans and overly priced shoes. Hair is purposely styled lazy to show they “don’t care” and always has perfect teeth.
What they’ll text you at 2am: “Sorry been in the studio all day, want to come over?”
They’ll lure you in with some witty and smart conversation, maybe over a glass of red in a cosy pub. Three bottles later, you’ve been won over by the turtleneck look and agreed to be his muse on his latest photography project. Before this is ever fulfilled, he’s gone on a massive bender (as indicated by his insta – this man is too edgy for snapchat) and never texted you back.
How they will fuck you over: You’ll get ghosted, obviously.
How to spot them: each clothing ensemble features at least one corduroy, flannel and threadbare garment.
What they’ll text you at 2am: “Got some new vinyls today, let’s jam at mine.”
You’re drawn in by his mysterious shyness and earthy vibe, but you’re not the only one. Plenty of other girls are creeping around and he low-key really enjoys the attention. You’ll end up thinking you’ve fought them off and after making you dinner you stay round and think it’s all gonna happen. Next thing you know he’s making fajitas for the next girl and you’re forgotten.
How they will fuck you over: Quietly date more than one girl.
How to spot them: Charity shop shirts, seen lurking around the science buildings drinking coffee from a thermos, good looking in a nerdy way
What they’ll text you at 2am: “Wanna learn about human anatomy tonight?”
These guys know they have a mind for how to work their business but, the only thing they truly know how to manage is five girls at a time.
How they will fuck you over: “We’re just talking” is how you’ll refer to your relationship with him for months, knowing full well it’s just because he can’t commit to anything.
How to spot them: He seems like the perfect boy to take home to your mum – he’s well built, tall, got a business mind and is almost always walking around in a suit.
What they’ll text you at 2am: “You up?” (sent to 10 other girls)
After the first date you’ll probably notice the lack of actual chemistry you have with them, but then you realise you’re happy to be with someone emotionally stable for once. They’re doing a normal degree and will go on to do a normal job.You envision your nuclear family in ten years and it makes you happy.
How they will fuck you over: They’ll start getting too big for their boots and take you for granted and he’ll keep saying he needs to focus on his management consulting internships.
How to spot them: Hard to spot as he’s just a normal, boring bloke.
What they’ll text you at 2am: “Can I come round once I get this work done?”
More pretentious than the history fuckboy, the Classics fuckboy is more intelligent and manipulative. He’s dramatic and needy, and will play out your relationship like a Greek tragedy.
How they will fuck you over: Their whole degree is based on learning about men eloping with other women, murdering women and dreaming about shagging their mums, so it’s natural for boys who study Classics to want to fuck you over too. Instead of getting with your mum, they’ll probably neck on with your best mate in the SU.
How to spot them: He’ll be wearing a cashmere roll neck from Reiss and carrying a coconut flat white from Pret.
The fact he does computer science lures you into a false sense of security. He’s not like the LADs you’ve been getting messed about by throughout uni. If anything, how could someone with so little social skills possibly hurt you? In reality he’ll probably have a long-distance girlfriend who he’s been with since age 14 but still manages to string you both along.
How they will fuck you over: He’ll fall in love with someone on his course and forget about you and the old girlfriend.
How to spot them: Primark Star Wars t-shirt, straight leg faded jeans, wallet on a chain attached to their belt and a sturdy backpack they’ve had since year ten
What they’ll text you at 2am: “That’s funny I’m just walking home too…don’t really wanna go back yet though haha do you wanna do something?”
You know you’ll never be good enough to be his girlfriend but you keep shagging him anyway in the hope that he might accidentally fall in love with you. But he would never bring you home to meet the parents, unless he suddenly rebels against their wishes, but come on, he studies dentistry, that’s never going to happen.
How they will fuck you over: They’ll sack you off for someone who’s on a pay packet similar to them – your humanities degree isn’t going to cut it.
How to spot them: Immaculate brown brogues from Russell & Bromley, pink Ralphie, cream chinos, expensive looking socks. Working with people every day means these guys look like they’re about to go to a wedding 24/7
Drama boys are never out of their “creative zone”, everything they do is a performance. He’ll seem so loving and passionate, but it’s not real, he’s just a really good actor.
How they will fuck you over: They’ll start completely ignoring you instead of just telling you they fucked someone else at a Drama party last night.
How to spot them: He’ll be wearing all black and own at least five different turtlenecks.
What they’ll text you at 2am: “Can you help me run some lines?”
The cold hearted economics fuckboy will always have his own interests at heart. He talks about money and might even buy you dinner, but be warned, if he’s not going home with you tonight he’ll have a bunch of other girls in his contacts to bootycall.
How they will fuck you over: He has a million other girls he’s playing, and you’re deffo not his favourite. His monthly subscription to The Economist will mean he’s too stingy to take you out on proper dates. You’ll have to stick to a Chinese and chill – and so will the other girls.
How to spot them: He’s always dressed well with a smirk that makes you want him even though you know he’s gonna break your little heart
What they’ll text you at 2am: “So you’re coming over tonight okay.”
Awww that’s cute, they want to be a teacher! How could you resist someone who has the patience of a saint and enjoys arts and crafts? Wrong – no one should like Pritt Sticks and pipe cleaners that much.
How they will fuck you over: He said he was going to teach at the local school near you – you but two months later he’s in Japan for a “once in a lifetime opportunity” – snore.
How to spot them: A track jacket (for when he’s teaching football), a gingham short sleeved shirt with the top button done up, badly fit bootcut jeans.
What they’ll text you at 2am: “I’ve got loads of maths papers to mark, do you want to come over here?”
Use what they’ve learnt from their Romance in Literature module to sweep you off your feet. He’ll serenade you with his guitar (probably Wonderwall, cos why would he need to learn anything else?), and write you little love sonnets that fall out of your book on the “romantic” pages. Ergh.
How they will fuck you over: It lasts for about two weeks and then he starts going on about how Rochester was just ‘so hard done by’ and you realise actually he’s a douche. He’s learnt everything he knows from classic novels and love stories, including how they never have happy endings.
How to spot them: They’ll be staring at you from across the library, only occasionally making eye contact with you over the top of their book.
What they’ll text you at 2am: “The film version of The Great Gatsby has come out on Netflix! I heard it’s not as good as the book but do you fancy coming over to watch it anyway?”
Seems intelligent and down the earth – definitely the kind of guy you want to bring home to your parents. Turns out the only thing he’s good at working out is equations, and not how to make you happy. Also follows the crowd because he just REALLY wants to succeed so everyone else will come first.
How they will fuck you over: Talks about how he wants to change the world, but that doesn’t include yours.
How to spot them: Awful fashion sense. Look out for a checkered shirt done up to the top, loose jeans and trainers resembling shit. Hair is boring, standard cut from the hairdressers. Has a shy but sweet smile – do not be fooled ladies.
What they’ll text you at 2am: “Just finished revising, fancy a cuddle before my 9am?”
He cares about his public image and vibe more than he could ever care for you. Like flat whites and Beyoncé? You’re too mainstream for him – he’ll quickly swan off with someone who studies Fine Art at Central St Martins who hates the Kardashians whilst at a techno night.
How they will fuck you over: Finds someone who actually cares about sick trainers and has more than 1000 Insta followers, sorry.
How to spot them: Everything is too long for him: tshirts, coats, anything that looks like a dress and makes his legs look teeny in comparison. Maybe one of those half-beanies that provide absolutely no warmth, and certainly a thin hoop earring in one ear. Always looks unapproachable and generally quite sad.
What he’ll text you at 2am: Tells you about a sick trainer drop and says: “We should go to this.”
He’s just a nice, normal bloke in a fleece and a pair of trainers that aren’t shit. But once he reels you in with the promise of a relationship and educational walks around the countryside, boom, he’s fucked off with someone else. You’ll be tricked into thinking he’s intellectual because of all the maps on his wall but really he’s just a Fifa playing boring lad like the rest of them.
How they will fuck you over: Lure you in with the prospect of a relationship when that’s not their intention whatsoever. Will promise you a romantic weekend away to see the northern lights which will never happen.
How to spot them: In a fleece/good quality coat and an average but not terrible pair of trainers. Really good beard.
What they’ll text you at 2am: “Blue Planet 2?”
At first you’ll think he is perfect. Cultured, well-mannered and quite edgy. What could possibly go wrong? Hell, you’ll even pretend to like Jeremy Corbyn for him and go to all of the NHS rallies. But then it’s over so suddenly and you won’t even understand what you did wrong.
How they will fuck you over: They’ll decide they’re too good for you because they think they’re the most intelligent person alive. Or worse, they’ll decide to “focus on their studies.”
They’ll play games, going on Bumble and Tinder right in front of you, insisting it’s just lust, you’re just a fun little game to entertain them until their next big project is due, until they get drunk and suddenly you’re perfect, the only thing in the world they want. Yeah, history guys are a mind fuck, but it doesn’t stop you going back again and again.
How to spot them: Rolling a cigarette a minute before the lecture ends and then they’ll linger outside smoking it, analysing the world with their brooding eyes.
What they’ll text you at 2am: “Wanna watch a late night documentary?”
He’ll lure you in with his laid back yet confident approach and he’ll always be down to do something (after all, he’s in uni like two days a week). Chilled pints at the local will turn to really kinky sex but eventually you’ll realise that he’s doing this with every other girl on his course.
How they will fuck you over: The boy:girl ratio is like 1:30 in journalism, he just has so many options on those course socials, he could never stay faithful
How to spot them: Journalism boys are either one of two things: Gay or a wannabe roadman fuckboy. Battered new balance trainers and a trucker cap will give it away, they love going to ticketed house nights and doing a fuck load of K. You’ll probably speak for the first time when he offers you a bump in the smoking area of said ticketed house night.
They may seem like lovely boys, calling themselves the ‘journo lads’ as they walk into lecturers in their plaid shirts, but girls, don’t be fooled by their vast knowledge of current affairs – they know all the politics of how to fuck you over.
What they’ll text you at 2am: “Hey just saw this article and thought you’d find it interesting.”
Much like History boys, Law boys have somehow come to the conclusion that they are the most desirable men at uni, based on the fact they had to get AAA to get in, and it’s the most oversubscribed course. We get it babe, you’re smart.
How they will fuck you over: They will inevitably sack you off for a posher, more “lawyer” version of you who wears pearl earrings, frumpy jumpers and only drinks one glass of red a week. See Vivian Kensington in Legally Blonde.
How to spot them: Short tartan scarf, jumper over a white shirt, smart casual shoes.
What they’ll text you at 2am: “What we did last night was against section 12 of the human rights act 1998.”
Too busy playing Fifa with the boys to give you the time of day. He’s a head pusher for sure. You met him on Tinder but he’s on Bumble and Happn too, still swiping away even after he’s just spent the night with you. You ask him to go for a drink but that’s not his style. It’s booty calls only, but you’re somehow still convincing your friends, and yourself, that there could be potential for a relationship when the timing is right.
How they will fuck you over: He’s a textbook fuckboy and only wants one thing (and he’ll probs get it)
How to spot them: He’ll be wearing those skinny tracksuit bottoms, a long t-shirt and red huaraches.
What they’ll text you at 2am: “Those nudes weren’t enough, come round I need to see for real.”
Initially really excited to just be getting laid because he never gets any matches on Tinder, once you’ve given him a bit of sexual confidence, he’ll get cocky decide the fuckboy life suits him. They’ll get too clever thinking they can actually manage the number of girls they’re messaging.
How they will fuck you over: When they realise their degree is actually hard, they’ll probs ditch you for a worksheet of equations.
How to spot them: behind a 17 inch Dell, thick rimmed glasses and a navy wool-knit jumper – like the oldest one from Narnia.
What they’ll text you at 2am: “Me + u = subtraction of your clothes.”
He’s the fuckboy you thought you’d bring home to your parents. This guy does medicine, he’s fit and he’s in the first rugby team.
How they will fuck you over: But before you start envisioning your marriage they’ve swerved you for someone in their “medicine family”, whatever that means.
How to spot them: Ralphie shirt, nice shoes, smart haircut. Will probably have a stethoscope round his neck for good measure. Very confident and will probably come up to you at the SU and offer to buy you a drink. They seem very chivalrous at first, but not all is as it seems.
What they’ll text you at 2am: “Have clinic at 9 but can’t sleep. Keep me company? X”
Modern languages is a hot bed for fuck boys, because unless you’re bilingual also, you have no idea what they’re saying to all those French girls they met on their year abroad. You’ll know something’s up when they accidentally text you when they’ve already told you they’ve “gone to bed because they’re tired”. They’re smooth talkers – they make you woo when they speak French when you’re in bed and are instantly more attractive with every additional language they can speak. They’re so exotic and unlike all the other boys. But then you realise that he’s the actual WORST because not only does he have multiple girls at uni, he’s also fucking GLOBAL.
How they will fuck you over: Cheating on you with a cohort of international women
How to spot them: Smoking rollies, wearing a Burberry looking trench coat, Ray Ban Wayfarers (even when it’s raining), black All Saints boots.
What they’ll text you at 2am: “Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir?”
Pharmacy boys are quite burly, work hard and love any excuse for a sesh so they can yell PHARMY-ARMYYY! You thought they looked hot in their camouflage print clothes and warrior paint on the SU dancefloor, but quickly you realised they want to work in pharmaceuticals, and will make a living by fucking every man and their dog over.
How they will fuck you over: They’ll get a job selling over-priced drugs to the NHS. Not only are they fucking you over, but everyone else also!
How to spot them: Screaming “pharmy-army around” halls
What they’ll text you at 2am: “Yeah but privatising the NHS isn’t actually that bad of an idea.”
You’ll sit gazing into his eyes listening to him discuss the big questions, interjecting when you feel like you can impress him but keeping quiet and nodding when he brings up Nietzche. You’re pretending you like smoking weed to look cool but purposefully not inhale too much so you don’t get too stoned and embarrass yourself. He’ll humour you and totally let you fall in love with him, but never really like you enough to make a commitment. He’s got bigger things on his mind.
How they will fuck you over: You’ll fall for his mind but you’ll never be the big picture for him.
How to spot them: Charity shop clothes and a spliff in hand.
What they’ll text you at 2am: “But really, what do you think life is about?”
You’re not smart enough for him, and he’ll make sure you know that every. Single. Day. You’ll find his intelligence attractive, cos the nerdy look is so hot right now, that you’ll even start believing him when he tells you – nicely, of course – that you’re basically stupid.
How they will fuck you over: He’ll destroy your self confidence in every sense.
How to spot them: Wearing a pair of uni hockey team joggers, a Hollister t-shirt and a pair of white converse.
What they’ll text you at 2am: “I’ve got loads of really important coursework to do but I could maybe come and see you later.”
He knows what he wants. He knows what you want too, and he’s going to pretend you’re getting – actually convince you that you’re getting it – but you’re not.
How they will fuck you over: They promised you they’d move to London with you to go and work in Parliament, but instead they run off to India at a drop of the hat because they’re “too nice” for politics.
How to spot them: Will be popping up on your timeline constantly after clicking “interested” to hundreds of events, and liking Political Bible memes. Will also probably be wearing some sort of ironic graphic tee
What they’ll text you at 2am: “You coming round then or what?”
Their psychological tricks will make you think he’s Mr Right, even though everyone’s warned you about him. He’ll fuck you over but for some reason you’ll still reply to those late night texts because “he’s a good guy really”.
How they will fuck you over: The girls on his course are really fit, he’s shagging them all.
How to spot them: They’ll be one of five boys waiting outside a packed lecture theatre.
What they’ll text you at 2am: “Hey, sorry about the other day! Didn’t mean to get with that girl at the party, I was just really missing you and have been feeling lonely. Fancy coming over? ”
He just has so many opinions on the world that you buy into and research to impress him but really he’s just using you to pass the time while he pretends to solve the world’s problems. He’s the kind of guy that knows the sociological impact of drug production but takes them anyway.
How they will fuck you over: He’ll ghost you, and quantitatively assess your anxiety levels on social media for his dissertation.
How to spot them: He’ll be wearing a crusty hoodie, like the ones you see people wearing at Glastonbury or Boomtown. This will be worn alongside brown jeans and Timberlands. He’ll stink of weed.
What they’ll text you at 2am: Something so basic like: “u up?”
Always the lovable rogue, you’ll get into a “thing” with a Sports Science lad fully expecting them to be a fuckboy. Only, they’re so much fun and easy going that you actually start to like them
How they will fuck you over: The only way they really screw you over is by being exactly what you expected in the first place.
How to spot them: Chinos and a shirt on a night out. Really fucking fit. Sick fade.
What they’ll text you at 2am: “I’m so stiff I really need a massage, rugby training was brutal today, you fancy coming over and sorting me out? 😉 xx”
Probably quite into drugs, he really just wants to find himself and believe in the world. He has so many big things to worry about you’re just one insignificant chapter in the novel of his life.
How they will fuck you over: He tells you he had an epiphany on top of Machu Picchu and has decided to join the priesthood. Two months later you bump into him off his face at a club where he shouts down your ear that “you know I really liked you but you know, it’s just not the time, I realised I need to just be me? You know, I need to just find myself.”
How to spot them: Went to a top five boarding school and will introduce himself to you in a seminar with said boarding school, e.g. “Hi I’m James, I’m from Harrow.” Will probably be wearing a shirt and jumper number with corduroy trousers and have really good floppy hair.
What they’ll text you at 2am: “Nah come to my flat instead, it’s nicer.”
They’ll promise you a romantic trip to the local zoo to see rare, white snow leopards; but this will never happen. Instead they’ll probs take you for bland burger at the local Giraffe restaurant in between lecturers. Their hands will have been dissecting frogs all day.
How they will fuck you over: He’ll leave you for some fit animal rights activist that cares more about his job.
How to spot them: They’ll have a love for animals and especially doggos. They were rejected from veterinary science and won’t let you forget what they could’ve been.
What they’ll text you at 2am: “Omg so I think we should take our relationship one step further… can we adopt a panda bear?”