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How to have a threesome without leaving someone out, by the man who did his PhD on threesomes

It will never happen for you, but just in case


Most of us struggle to please one partner, let alone two, yet having threesome is on many people's sexual bucket list. But how to have a threesome?

This theoretical threesome will be just like in the movies right? But life isn't like the movies.

What are the logistics of having a threesome? How do you organise it and make sure you don't leave someone out? Is it more likely you end up having a threesome with people you know or strangers?

These are all questions that need answering. Ryan Scoats did his PhD on threesomes and is expertly qualified to answer every question you've ever had about having a threesome.

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Is it more likely that threesomes occur with three people that know each other?

It's most common that at least two of the people would know each other within the three. I think with knowing people there comes a certain amount of comfort and it makes it easier.

If your partner wants a threesome, does that mean they don’t like you anymore?

No, no, not at all. It might be that they have different reasons. They might be interested in exploring their sexuality, they could want to try something different with the relationship, maybe they’re just curious. People are able to love more than one child at once so why can’t we have that with partners?

What is the most common combination for a threesome?

Three-guy threesomes for sure, but my research concerned multi-sex threesomes and it was a lot more common to find FFM threesomes (two girls and one guy) than FMM threesomes (two guys and one girl).

Were there specific ways that the people having the threesome managed it? In terms of the way it would work. E.g. taking turns?

Sometimes people would lay down some ground rules about what they might want to do or what they might not want to do. Sometimes people would have a laugh to make it more comfortable.

One guy told me that him and his mate played rock, paper, scissors for who was going to go where and the girl found that really funny. But I think generally these things happen organically and sometimes there will be conversations and other times people will just sort of move naturally into various positions.

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How often was it repeat business? Were the threesomes mostly just one-offs or did they ever meet up for another threesome?

Sometimes people would have repeat threesomes with the same people again. But from the people I spoke to, if it did happen again it was maybe only the one time.

People were more likely to go and have a threesome with other people perhaps. Some people were worried if they had multiple threesomes with the same person that might affect what their relationship was.

From your research, what was the strangest threesome story that you heard?

There was an amusing one where there a guy on holiday in Thailand, he picks up a girl, another ex-pat, they go back to her room and she shares a flat with another girl, they share a room. The guy and the girl are having sex in the shower but they stand on a water pipe and they end up breaking that.

The janitor comes out and says they can’t have a guy there, so the guy hides round the corner and comes back when the janitor has gone. They go back into the girl’s bedroom and they continue to have sex. The roommate is a little bit miffed about this and so the girl invites her over and that’s how the threesome starts.

I thought it was taking a turn there where the janitor was going to get involved…

You’ve been watching too much porn.

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No comment. So, what was the most regular threesome mistake that people made?

I would say not being good at sharing. This is more of a problem when there were couples involved. If you have a couple you will also have this new person. And so it will be very easy for either member of the couple to focus or put their energy and attention on this new aspect of sexual experience.

Is there a certain way to have a threesome without leaving someone out?

It’s always good to talk about these things beforehand. It can always be a little awkward or a little uncomfortable to have these conversations but if everyone is on the same that can make it easier.

Just being conscious and being aware of what is happening with the other people and sometimes stepping back and being like “Ok, now is not my turn, I’m going to chill out for a little bit.”

Why do we seem kind of obsessed with threesomes as a society? Is it just a “the more the merrier” mentality?

I think for many it’s because it’s understandable. As in you can kind of imagine it happening. For somebody who’s had sex with one person, it’s not too much of a stretch to imagine having sex with another one person being there. Whereas if you look at having an open relationship or swinging where you’re swapping partners maybe this perhaps a bit foreign to people.

In today’s society people want to have lived a life sexually before they settle down into marriage, family and responsibilities. So they want to be able to say that they’ve done things and they’ve tried things.

Also, couples may want to expand their relationship or maybe just explore things. Sourcing a threesome within the confines of a couple is always going to be slightly easier because you already have two people that find each other attractive rather than immediately needing to find two people that find you attractive.