A list of every single guy you should avoid shagging at uni

An A-Z of whose D shouldn’t be in your V

When you start uni, you may think that shagging is a free-for-all and there are no limits as to who you can sleep with. Freshers, sports captains, exes, flatmates – they're all up for grabs, right? Wrong. You're deluding yourself if you think that sleeping with any of the people on this list is actually a good idea.

These are people that you should not shag under any circumstances. Unless of course you want your uni years to be riddled with drama, shame and relentless nicknames. So educate yourself, and under no circumstances shag anyone on this list – it's just not worth the risk.

The flatmate

Don't shit where you eat. Incestuous sex between people you live with is never a good idea. Whether it’s a mere one night stand, a regular hook up or a full blown relationship – just don’t do it. When it inevitably goes tits up you’ll have to face them every single day for the rest of the year.

There is no escaping, and your flatmates will be divided into separate camps – making pres, dinner, house parties eternally awkward.

Friend not food

Friend not food

The best friend

We all know the logic behind this one: You get on so well, you spend a lot of time together, surely sex would be the cherry on the cake? It will not end well – guaranteed. One of you will start getting feelings and you won’t be able to go back to ‘just being friends’, ruining everything forever.

The ex

It’s easy, and you’re guaranteed a good servicing right? Wrong. Well, actually, no, that bit is right but it’s definitely not the right thing to do.

Sex with an ex sounds so risky, so exciting, so good. But it’s bound to end in tears.

He's an ex for a reason

He's an ex for a reason

Any rugby boy

Rugby boys are dicks, period. It will be a one night stand of no particular merit and it will be the subject of never have I ever for all of your uni life.

Not only that, but every university rugby team has a group chat. And every time a member of that team pulls (probably in the SU on a Wednesday) they’ll send a picture of her and everyone will know.

Your best mate’s ex

Everyone knows this is one of the cardinal sins of friendship, yet we’ve all considered it…even if it was just a passing thought, make sure it stays that way.

Don't be that friend everyone hates

Don't be that friend everyone hates

Freshers (for anyone other than a fresher)

The nickname “cradle snatcher” will haunt you at pres for years to come. Fresher’s are only good for one thing – taking up valuable space in the library, so leave them at the desk and get back to people your own age.

That hipster from fourth year

So they went on a year abroad, “discovered their inner self”, and it's all they ever talk about. You are so over them and their generic travelling pants. They're so zen from their 10 months in India the sex won't be your bog standard missionary, but instead some kind of mantra-chanting dance. Pass.

Who cares if he's found his "zen"?

Who cares if he's found his "zen"?

The virgin

No one ever has mind-blowing sex with a virgin. He’ll fumble about searching for your clit and he’ll be rubbing your left thigh asking “do you like that”. It’s a funny one to check off the list but it’ll never ever be a satisfying one, and they’ll probably fall in love with you and won’t leave you alone for weeks. You did take their flower after all.

The random old guy from some bar

You’re drunk, he has better chat than stupid young uni boys. He’s not really the hottest but he’s being really nice. “He’ll do”, you'll say.

But STOP. NO. He may have told you he’s only 30 but you will be setting yourself up for three years of misery at university. If he has a receding hairline, leave it. Older definitely doesn’t mean better because let’s face it, if he was any good then he wouldn’t be a single 30-year-old pulling students in bars.

I swear he's only 31

I swear he's only 31

Your seminar tutor

You probably matched with him on Tinder in Freshers' and thought “ooo cute academic older guy”, started Snapchatting and WhatsApping each other dirty messages and things got real steamy real quickly.

Then you’ll turn up to your 10am seminar on a Thursday and be introduced to your new seminar leader. You’ll think to yourself “I recognise him”, and it’ll suddenly dawn on you that ah yes, he was balls deep in you last week.

Unless you want the seminar icebreaker to be awkward then this is probably one you should avoid. At least ask him where he’s studying for his PhD at first.