You can only say you’ve been on a British night out if you’ve done these 39 things

The ultimate checklist


In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And on the eighth day, he created the Great British Night Out: Unpredictable, inelegant and just really bloody lairy.

In light of this, we've created the ultimate checklist for everyone who has ever been on a classic British night out.

If you haven't done all of these, are you even British at all?

1. PREDRANK WITH VODKA AND SQUASH BECAUSE THERE WAS NOTHING ELSE IN THE CUPBOARDS

And then drank it like it was an olympic sport.

2. INSISTED ON PLAYING AN EMBARRASSING GAME OF NEVER HAVE I EVER, DESPITE EVERYONE HATING EACH OTHER BY THE END OF IT

We get it, you like sex.

3. DRANK A WHOLE BOTTLE OF £5 WINE BEFORE STEPPING FOOT OUT OF THE HOUSE AND PROCLAIMING, “I’M NOT EVEN DRUNK YET”

God I can’t wait to get the club so I can finally get pissed.

4. KICKED OFF WHEN THAT ONE PERSON SUGGESTS LEAVING THE HOUSE BEFORE 11PM, JUST TO GET IN THE CLUB FOR FREE

No. Do not call that cab. You are the problem with society today.

5. STUFFED CANS IN YOUR COAT THINKING THE BUS DRIVER WON'T SEE

He definitely did, but just can’t be bothered to have the argument.

6. OR ALTERNATIVELY, RUSHED INTO A TAXI WITH A DRINK YOU’VE TRIED TO HIDE, GOT TOLD OFF, AND STEPPED OUT AGAIN SO YOU COULD DOWN IT

If I put this whole bottle of prosecco just here under my jacket, it will be invisible.

7. TRIED TO MAKE BEST FRIENDS FOR LIFE WITH THE UBER DRIVER SO HE WOULD LET YOU PUT YOUR MUSIC ON AND DRINK YOUR BEER

“Excuse me? What’s your name? You’re the best Uber driver ever.”

8. PISSED IN AN ALLEYWAY JUST METRES FROM THE CLUB DESPITE THE RAIN, LACK OF LOO ROLL, AND CROWDS OF ONLOOKERS

“If I have to wait five more minutes, I will literally wet myself."

9. PANICKED WHEN THE BOUNCER ASKED TO SEE YOUR ID, EVEN THOUGH YOU'VE BEEN OVER THE AGE OF 18 FOR YEARS

Wait when is my birthday? What the hell is my address? *Pulls exact same face as the one in the picture*

10. SQUARED UP TO THE BOUNCER WHEN HE SAID YOU’RE TOO DRUNK TO COME IN, AS IF THEY’VE PERSONALLY ATTACKED A MEMBER OF YOUR FAMILY

“Get your hands off me mate I’ve only had one beer”.

11. WENT TO THE CLOAKROOM ON A MISSION IMPOSSIBLE STYLE TASK TO HIDE ONE WHOLE COAT UNDERNEATH ANOTHER WHOLE COAT

Oh gosh! I didn’t see that there. Here’s my £4.

12. SQUEEZED 2-3 FULLY GROWN WOMEN INTO ONE TOILET CUBICLE BECAUSE YOU CANNOT BEAR TO SPEND ONE LESS SECOND WITHOUT EACH OTHER

Watching friends pee is a bonding experience like no other.

13. TRIED TO WASH YOUR HANDS WHILE AVOIDING TOUCHING ANY OF THE TOILET ATTENDANT'S SWEETS, SOAPS OR AFTERSHAVES

"I’m sorry but please can I have a paper towel?"

14. AND THEN AWKWARDLY ASKED THEM IF THEY'RE HAVING A GOOD NIGHT BECAUSE THEIR JOB CONSISTS OF SITTING IN A TOILET ALL NIGHT, WATCHING DRUNK STATES LIKE YOU

All to receive a blank stare, obviously.

15. ORDERED A DOUBLE SPIRIT MIXER, TOOK A FIRST SIP AND SAID TO YOUR FRIEND “I DON’T THINK THERE’S ANY VODKA IN THIS”

All to get a death stare from the bartender who's had enough of this shit.

16. DOWNED A PINT NO QUESTIONS ASKED WHEN SOMEONE DROPPED A PENNY INTO IT

Not even a flicker. Not even a wince. This is my Everest.

17. PAID UP TO £5 FOR A SHOT OF SAMBUCA OUT OF CHOICE

It is disgusting and no one is making you do this.

18. DRANK A VK THROUGH A STRAW BECAUSE SOCIETY DICTATES THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO OTHER WAY TO DO IT

It just tastes better this way.

19. SWOOPED IN LIKE AN EAGLE ON OTHER PEOPLE’S UNFINISHED DRINKS

Waste not want not.

20. PICKED ONE DANCE MOVE FOR THE WHOLE NIGHT AND JUST STUCK WITH IT, COME WHAT MAY

I’ve found my bass face, there’s no going back now. Not for the rest of my life.

21. FOLLOWED THE CLUB PHOTOGRAPHER AROUND UNTIL HE WAS FORCED TO TAKE YOUR PICTURE

Just to swiftly untag it in the next morning.

22. ASSEMBLED YOUR GUY MATES, TO SIMULTANEOUSLY TAKE YOUR TOPS OFF AND SWING THEM AROUND YOUR HEAD

No one asked to see that.

23. BEEN VIOLENTLY SICK AND THEN CLAIMED IT WAS A TACTICAL, PLANNED PART OF YOUR EVENING

Oh that? Yeah I do that all the time it sorts me right out. Nothing to see here. Pint please.

24. ACCIDENTALLY BUMPED INTO SOMEONE, DRIBBLED THE TINIEST BIT OF BEER ON THEIR SHOE AND WATCHED WORLD WAR THREE BREAK OUT

"Mate, hold me back."

25. ASKED TO BUY A CIGARETTE FROM LITERALLY EVERYONE IN THE SMOKING AREA, KNOWING FULL WELL THERE’S NO WAY IN HELL YOU'RE PAYING FOR IT

“I’ll give you a quid mate”

26. MADE FRIENDS FOR LIFE IN THE SMOKING AREA OF THE CLUB

And then woke up with loads of “it was great to meet you last night” texts from “Steve from Pryzm”.

27. LOST ONE OF YOUR MATES AND ENLISTED THE HELP OF A TALL PERSON ON THE DANCEFLOOR TO LOOK FOR THEM

“Okay she’s got brown hair, medium height, wearing a really cute top, can you just look for her. Thanks.”

28. GLARED ANGRILY AT SOMEONE PUSHING INTO YOU ON THE DANCEFLOOR AND DID ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ABOUT IT

“She is just so rude. Does she not understand personal space? Can’t the bouncers see she’s too drunk? Get her outta here.”

29. LOST THE CLOAKROOM TICKET AND PLEADED WITH A VERY UNIMPRESSED, SOBER CLOAKROOM ATTENDANT

"I swear it's mine, there's a fiver in the left pocket!"

30. TOOK OFF YOUR HEELS AS SOON AS LEAVING THE CLUB, AND WOBBLED TO THE TAKEAWAY

Not caring that you can feel every inch of the cold hard ground, because you have cheesy chips to get.

31. UNIRONICALLY CALLED THE GUY WORKING IN THE KEBAB SHOP ‘BOSSMAN’

Imagine how many times he hears this in one night.

32. USED YOUR VERY BEST FLIRTING TO TRY AND BAG SOMETHING FREE ON THE SIDE OF YOUR ORDER

Step 1: Ask his name

Step 2: Flutter your eyelashes

Step 3: Get rejected but if you're tragic enough maybe he'll throw in some free jalapeños for you.

33. ORDERED EXTRA CHEESE ON YOUR CHEESY CHIPS, ONLY TO COMPLAIN THERE WASN'T ENOUGH, EVEN THOUGH YOU WERE HANDED A LITERAL MOUNTAIN OF CHEDDAR

“I said extra cheese!”

34. ASKED THE TAXI DRIVER IF HIS NIGHT WAS BUSY BECAUSE YOU ARE THE RESPONSIBLE ONE OF THE GROUP

Oh these bloody drunk people right?

35. LEANED MOUTH-FIRST OUT OF THE TAXI DOOR MULTIPLE TIMES ON THE WAY HOME, SPRAYING THE ROAD WITH YOUR VOMIT

Inside the cab you are a vision of composure and grace. Outside of it you are a vomit breathing dragon. Must. Not. Get. Fined. £500.

36. GOT IN A CAB WITHOUT TELLING THE DRIVER YOU:

– Needed to get money from a cash point to pay for the journey

– Needed to do seven different drop offs

– Had to stop by a drive thru McDonalds

– Needed to stop every five minutes to attempt to be sick

37. BUT KICKED THE HELL OFF WHEN THE JOURNEY WAS 50P MORE THAN ORIGINALLY QUOTED AND SIMPLY REFUSED TO ACCEPT THIS

“I have been scammed and I require the name of your manager.”

38. STOLE ROAD TRAFFIC SIGNS OR ANYTHING REMOTELY OFFICIAL LOOKING ON THE JOURNEY BACK TO USE AS HOME INTERIORS

Fuck the British tax payers, this is my cone.

39. CHANTED AT EVERY POSSIBLE MOMENT FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON

Someone crosses the road? THEY’RE CROSSING THE ROAD, THEY’RE CROSSING THE ROOOOAAADDD!