Introducing the eight uni fuckboys who are about to ruin everything

You’re not gonna find your Prince Charming in Tiger Tiger


Everyone knows that for every decent guy you ever find, there's at least 20 fuckboys you had to wade through first, and nowhere is this more obvious than at uni. With so many different types of fuckboy to try and navigate your way through, it's no wonder today's gals are just giving up and embracing the hook up culture of 2017.

THE PROMOTER FUCKBOY

Everyone knows a promoter. They make your life a living hell tryna sell you tickets, but get involved with one and you’ll realise that actually, they can be quite useful, kinda. Until one day you wake and realise the boring missionary sex you guys are having once every two weeks is actually not worth free entry to wherever. I’d rather pay the fiver and keep what little dignity I have left, thank you.

Best excuse for you to come over

“Hey babe, I got some tickets for you and your mates that you’ll love, I saved them just for you, come over? ;)” He didn’t save them just for you, but you’ll buy them cos you’ll feel like you have to just to get a shag. Idk, is it kinda like hiring a prostitute if you have to pay every time you wanna sleep with this guy?

Best excuse for you NOT to come over

“Sorry, I gotta sell tix tonight I’m not gonna have time to see you, next time tho yeh?” Next time meaning the next time he can’t find anyone else to “sell tix” to.

Typical post sex chat

“Did you hear about this sweet deal I can sort for you for tickets to Warehouse on Thursday? 3 quid a ticket, practically half price…” and probably some more about deals but you stopped listening at that point. Not that he noticed.

The moment you realise he's a fuckboy

When another girl turns up just as you’re leaving looking to ‘buy some tickets’. Yep, this guy is that much of a fuckboy he doesn’t even care if two of “his girls” run into each other in the doorway. There’s tonnes more girls he can chat up to take your place. After all, the one thing a promoter never runs out of is free tickets to shit events.

THE ‘I BOUGHT YOU DRINKS AND NOW YOU OWE ME’ FUCKBOY

Sure, he got you a jaeger bomb one night (even though you didn’t ask him to) and you reluctantly took his number cos it was the only way you could leave his flat, but now he won’t stop texting. He’s not even sexting, or sending the typical “u up babe ? x”, he’s literally telling you about his day, and then he’ll moan if you don’t respond. Sorry, since when did a hookup become a relationship?

Best excuse for you to come over

“U up babe ;)” That’s it. Literally nothing else. It’s enough though, cos you will still go round no matter how much you know you’re going to regret it in the morning.

Best excuse for you NOT to come over

He won’t ever not want to see you. This guy is convinced you’re The One™ and that you’re going to get married and and have a dog and have three children and live in a modest semi-detached house in Coventry. Regretting that Jaegerbomb yet?

Typical post sex chat

“So, er, where do you think this is going?” Guaranteed to turn any post sex good mood totally sour.

The moment you realise he's a fuckboy

When he starts getting all "nice guy". He’ll bring up this one drink as though it’s his ‘get out of jail free’ card when in reality, he’s just a massive cock. “Yeah this is borderline harassment, but I got you a drink, remember?”.

THE SOFTBOY ENGLISH FUCKBOY

You’ll glance across the crowded lecture hall during the intro lecture and accidentally lock eyes with a guy who can only be described as Heath Ledger, but 10 times hotter. Only, Hh’s an English student, and they are the worst kind of fuckboy. He’ll play the guitar and write you love notes and poems until you fall in love with him, and then he’ll stomp all over your heart until there's nothing left. Still won’t stop you calling him 10 times a night and crying on your flatmate’s shoulder on a night out wondering why you weren’t good enough for him.

News flash: no one is good enough for him. You’re better than that babe.

Best excuse for you to come over

He doesn’t need an excuse to get you to come over. You’re the one messaging him like “u up babe ;)” after you re-read his latest love note for the 10th time.

Best excuse for you NOT to come over

“Sorry I just really really need to finish this last chapter of Great Expectations x”. Yep, this dude would rather have a date with his bed, a cuppa and Dickens than hot, sexy, real-life you.

Typical post sex chat

He’ll probably start moaning about how Rochester is actually really hard done by and that Jane is a whiny bitch – totally no subtext there about how your "relationship" operates. Then he’ll do something dramatic like put on a Echo & The Bunnymen vinyl and start smoking a joint whilst staring morosely at the ceiling. Yeah, probs best if you cut and run at this point.

The moment you realise he's a fuckboy

About the time he started correcting you when you talk about literally anything, even though he’s wrong and you know it. He thinks he’s better than you, that he’s the settler and you’re the reacher, so he won’t be afraid to dump you in a heartbeat if he thinks he’s found someone better. Dump him first, he’s not worth it.

THE ENVIRONMENTALLY WOKE FUCKBOY

He’ll be standing outside the union handing out flyers for some Greenpeace-esque society and you’ll take one and his number because there’s something about his dark curls and burly arms and lumberjack shirt that’s kinda cute.

Big mistake.

Best excuse for you to come over

"Netflix and chill? ;)" DO NOT TRUST. He actually means it when he says he wants to watch Netflix. Prepare for a two hour long documentary on how the ocean is full of rubbish and we’re burning a hole in the ozone layer, which for some reason turns him on.

Best excuse for you NOT to come over

“Sorry, gotta run to a protest in town, catch ya later yeah?” he types as he jumps into his Uber, cos he doesn’t really care about the environment, he just thinks that girls find it sexier if you care about shit.

Typical post sex chat

He’ll probably start lecturing you about how you got an Uber over to his place and that is “just, like, the worst thing you can do for the environment” or how your vibrator isn't environmentally friendly enough and “do you recycle the batteries?” Mate, at 2am I’m not walking half an hour in the dark for a 5 minute shag, and that vibrator does more for me than you ever could so it’s staying put.

The moment you realise he's a fuckboy

You’re not sure at what point you realised he was a fuckboy, it was more of a general dawning realisation. All you do know is while you once thought his love for everything environmentally friendly was cute and endearing, now whenever he opens his mouth you literally want to pour petrol down his throat. But hey, at least it’s not being burned up in a car exhaust and polluting the atmosphere, right?

THE PRIVATE SCHOOL FUCKBOY

Skin bronzed from his “gap yah” in Thailand, the private school fuckboy will waltz into your life (and bed) bedecked in oh-so-edgy “vintage” sportswear – hun, we all know that get-up cost a bomb in Urban Outfitters – and presently start moaning about how “hard life actually is”, rollie between his chops as he runs a hand that’s never done a day’s work through his blonde, shoulder-length hair.

Best excuse for you to come over

“Bored. Wanna fuck?”. He’s arrogant as fuck and in his eyes, he needs no excuse. You should just be gagging to shag him all the time. Right?

Best excuse for you NOT to come over

“Busy babes soz x”. And likewise, he needs no excuse for you to not come over. The world revolves around him, remember?

Typical post sex chat

“Yah babes, like, I went to Thailand on my gap yah and it was just so, like… moving? And like… spiritual? Like I know everyone says shit like that like it’s a joke, yah, but I genuinely felt so, like, humbled? Like, some people have life so tough, you know? Genuinely, like, so shit. Anyway then I had to fucking come home, like, a week early, ‘cus Daddy wouldn’t send me an extra k and I couldn’t, like, afford it. I mean, like, it was just a grand. Cunting stingy bugger, right babes? Anyway babes, what were you saying?”

The moment you realise he's a fuckboy

Literally, the moment you met. In fact, before you met. When you saw him holding a can of Red Stripe, siggy glinting, booming "har har har" laugh resounding in your ears. Yep. Fuckboy at first sight.

THE POLITICAL ACTIVIST FUCKBOY

Possibly the worst of them all. He’s the type of guy who’ll draw you in with his good chat and 10/10 looks, until the second you’re sober and he starts mouthing off about how the Conservatives don’t care about the working class, or how people who support Corbyn are lazy and want to sponge off the government and never work a day in their life. Suddenly, you realise he’s not actually a 10/10, but kinda looks a little bit like an edgier version of David Cameron. Kinda talks like him a bit too.

Best excuse for you to come over

He’ll invite you to a protest then invite you back to bed. Or suggest you have sex on some important political landmark to make a "statement", or something. Or he’ll go full John and Yoko and ask if you want to take part in a "bed-in", i.e. bunking off to sleep, fuck, and eat Dominoes.

Best excuse for you NOT to come over

He’s in London for a protest. Tbf, he probably is.

Typical post sex chat

His idea of good post sex chat is a nice healthy debate about politics – just what every girl loves to hear. It’ll probably start with “so, what do you really think about Corbyn haha”, and that’s when you run. No good will come of this. I mean, c’mon, the sex just isn’t good enough to put up with talking politics afterwards. Sorry lads, that’s not what gets a girl going.

The moment you realise he's a fuckboy

When he won’t stop yakking on about freedom and how he hates labels and how "monogamy is propagated by the state" and we’ve all been brainwashed into believing in love or some other bullshit.

THE SPORTY FUCKBOY

Easily identified due to his impartiality to fancy dress, questionable hair (result of some fucked-up initiation), and beautiful arms, prepare to be fucked and then fucked over by the sporty fuckboy: the textbook fuckboy of nightmares.

Best excuse for you to come over

“Babe I’m so knackered after training today! Come give me a massage? ? x”

Best excuse for you NOT to come over

“Soz got training x”

Typical post sex chat

Protein, gains, the gym, "the boys", sports socials, "the game", beer, rugby, some girl he pulled last week, training. You get the picture. Find yourself googling "what are the rules of rugby" on the sly so you can at least attempt some conversation, or at worst pretend to be a Cool Girl™ who burps in public and enjoys sinking pint after pint of Stella.

The moment you realise he's a fuckboy

When you see him getting with a cheerleader on a Wednesday sports night. It’s as if you’ve been slapped in the face with the back of his big, muscly, firm, beautiful hand.

THE ‘FEMINIST’ FUCKBOY

“Honestly, reading The Female Eunuch just changed my perspective on everything”, and you’ll fall in love. Yep, the bar is now apparently so low for men that finding someone who (apparently) believes men and women should be treated equally (shock), is enough to make anyone swoon. The worst part? This fuckboy isn’t even a real feminist.

Best excuse for you to come over

“Hey! Just finished reading The Handmaid’s Tale… would love for you to come over and discuss it with me if you want? Xx”. He may or may not have read it. He will definitely try and shag you.

Best excuse for you NOT to come over

“Sorry I’d love to see you but I need to write this anti-Trump article for the FemSoc zine!!”. Right. 100% chance he’s shagging someone else.

Typical post sex chat

Expect him to butt in whenever you say anything. And he’ll tell you you’ve "interpreted Greer wrong". It won’t be so much a discussion as him talking at you. Expect to hear phrases such as “yeah, sexism exists for men too” and “feminism is definitely a struggle for men”. Which is true, but babe, you’ve said this like ten times in the space of five minutes. He’d also bring up some Tab article he read about fuckboys and moan about how the term is “inherently sexist”.

The moment you realise he's a fuckboy

When he says “yeah but I can see where the pro-choice argument comes from though” and talking about how rape is a “grey area”. No hun.