You can tell a girl’s mood by the size of the hoops she’s wearing

Hoops are a uniform for all occasions. This is a fact. But there's something deeper at play here. You might not have realised it yet, but the size of the hoops in your ear is your mood, your vibe, the ultimate symbol of the amount of fun you plan on having that day.

Big day at the office? Small hoops it is. Drinks with a girls (2 or 3 max) or a date? Medium hoops is the way to go. Out till 4am and definitely getting a takeaway and maybe even pulling? You clearly mean business. Only a seriously big hoop will do.

It's a collective understanding, a universally recognised indication of your wave length. There are clubs, bars, smoking areas across the country full of girls wearing medium to large hoops, wanting you know to know they are here for a good time. Today there are girls in libraries and meeting rooms, itching for the moment they can swap their small, fine pair for something far less subtle.

So next time you find yourself asking "what size of hoop should I wear tonight?", consider the following:

Small hoop – 8mm to 13mm

She's on a major grind. Please only bother her if it's important.

Medium hoop – 14mm to 40mm

Medium sized hoops are for chilled vibes in the day time. They're for when a fun personality needs to be conveyed but it's too extra to wear a larger hoop. Maybe you'd wear them for brunch or on a day trip somewhere fun. Maybe you'll be having a glass of wine with lunch.

Big hoop – 41mm to 70mm

Tonight you are out with the girls and you are here for it. The big hoop guarantees a good night whatever the destination. Bigger hoop = fewer responsibilities.

Hoop so big it's bigger than your future – 71mm – 100mm

You know this hoop is too big. I know this hoop is too big. But no one gives a fuck because you're going to get LoooOooOse tonight. May also involve glitter and a lot of drink. Best suited to those with bigger personalities.

Chunky Bamboo hoop

Much like wearing red lipstick, you can do it in the day, but it's bold. This is the power hoop. This hoop is transcendent