All the sad and desperate ways the Tories are trying to win back your vote

Half-arsed policies and tragic Instagrams? Of course you can have my vote!

Old Tory voters are dying. Every day. I'm not saying this is a good thing because they are probably your granny and grandad, but every single one of them is a lost vote for the Conservatives.

Coupled with Jeremy Corbyn's appeal with the youth, the Tories have decided it's about time to ruddy well do something about getting more young people on side.

Currently at their party conference in Manchester, they are not only are pulling half-arsed policies out of thin air, they're using Instagram and Twitter to prove how down with the kids they are. It's cute, funny even, but also worrying the political party with the biggest vote share can promise so little in an attempt to gain the youth vote.

Tuition fees will be frozen at £9,250

Remember when everyone was happy with paying nine grand a year instead of three? Me neither, so freezing them sounds like a nailed on vote winner.

You will also have to earn slightly more money before you start paying back your loan

Instead of starting to pay back your student loan when your salary reaches £21,000, you'll have to be earning the medium to large amount of £25,000. Shame we'll be fucked by the interest rates, but it's the thought that counts right?

How are the Tories proving they are real people just like you and me? They've got their own Instagram of course!

Behind the scenes of Day 1 at #CPC2017

A post shared by Conservatives (@conservatives) on

So many plandids I don't know what to do with myself. Bet Theresa put this down her group chat asking everyone to give it a like.

They're making an extra £10bn available to help you buy your first home, how thoughtful!

Yep, 135,000 more people will get a low-cost loan to help them buy their first property. I struggle to make rent for my box room in a house with six other people but buying an entire whole house seems manageable now.

They're also banning letting fees, because that was the annoying part of paying £700 a month for your shitty flatshare

On average these fees cost £327, which just about makes the difference when half of my salary goes on rent.

This bizarre attempt by a Tory councillor to explain how young people have been brainwashed by Labour

According to this Tory councillor we have been indoctrinated into dirty commie values since our parents started teaching us how to share. Here's the full article, it's really worth a read.

They are severing ties with every Tory university group to "detoxify" their brand

Now the Tories don't even want to be associated with the young people in their own party.

All in all, nice one Conservatives! VKs are on me next time I bump into one of you in the SU with all this extra cash I now have lying around

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