This argument over a sausage roll is the most British thing that has ever happened

Give the man his sausage roll

Is there anything more divisive in this great nation than the sausage roll? The growing threat of nuclear war, Brexit, global warming? Not for us thanks. Today in ordinary folk against "the man", the people of Britain are up in arms over a sausage roll.

The story goes like this: A boy in Bradford had his sausage roll taken off him at lunchtime, because his school banned them. They offered him a ham sandwich instead, but he's a very fussy eater, so ended up having to eat a very sad "dry crisp sandwich".

His furious dad, Steve, tells the press: "He doesn't even like ham, so he had to take it out."

And so it unfolded. First came the local paper coverage, branding the school "lunch box police".

Then came the angry tweets. Really angry tweets. "THEFT!" "GIVE HIM HIS SAUSAGE ROLL!" "IS IT THE MUSLIMS?!" (Yes, really).

Next was the obligatory appearance on daytime TV. The face of a disappointed man, the human embodiment of dejection live from his Bradford living room.

And who can blame him, or the thousands of people who've had their say. Sausage rolls are delicious, they're a part of our lives, our culture. But no-one, not even Eamonn and Ruth, could have predicted the nation's response:

The local paper got their mitts on the story

The Bradford Telegraph and Argus spoke to a parent anonymously, calling on the school to immediately end the ban and recognise the plight of the parents with picky children.

They conducted a survey, discovering 70 per cent sided against the school. The seeds of the backlash had been sown.

The mums of Twitter got wind of it and lashed out in a BIG WAY

Then people started realising that the sausage roll ban was the latest part of a worrying trend, eventually blaming Jamie Oliver

ITV's 'This Morning' waded into the furore, conducting a poll of what their readers thought

Finally, This Morning got dad Steve on their show. Live from his Bradford living room, Steve told his son's tale of woe

Eamonn Holmes is sat behind a display of lunch box items, seething that such an injustice has occurred during his time on this Earth.

Cut to Steve on his sofa in a grey hoodie. The forlorn look in his eyes reflects a man broken by the rules and regulations of modern Britain. Japanese script hangs in an uplit frame on the wall, an overly large plant pot creeps into the corner of the shot.

Steve is asked what he's doing to rectify the situation. Despairingly, he says they're trying to give his son new foods:

"He's gone on now to cocktail sausages, little chicken ball things, mini scotch eggs, and a little bit of cucumber. We're trying him with all sorts."

So what have we learnt today? Steve and his son have found out first-hand that life is unfair and it will take everything you hold dear away from you.

Secondly, sausage rolls are really fucking important. Regardless of age, location, gender or politics, they are a keystone of modern Britain. Fuck with them at your peril.

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