Things you’ll only understand when you act like you’ve got a boyfriend but you don’t

Imagine a world where relationships form after a few months of seeing someone. Imagine not breaking a sweat every time someone asked you about the old love life. And imagine being able to tell your family that you're in a stable relationship without being laughed at.

Ha! Good one! Next joke!! That utopia would clearly have to be full of half-sane people who have their shit together. But YOU have an emotional void and don't trust men. At best, you're at the early stages of a relationship and want to avoid looking too keen by asking him to be together together. And at worst, he's a figment of your imagination.

Regardless of why you're in an anxiety inducing half-relationship/half-limbo, those who have found themselves in this situation will understand the following:

Your relationship status can be best described as "we tag eachother in memes"

"We're not in a relationship but we tag each other in memes, so yeah, marriage is definitely on the cards."

You'll know exactly how long you've been "together" (to the hour lol) but when someone asks, you'll act shady and pretend like you have no idea

The usual response goes something like: "technically we're NOT together" but on the inside you're like: "From the first time we met? The first time we kissed? The first time I stalked him on every social media platform after swiping right on Tinder?"

You're all loved up in your unofficial relationship until any of the following happens:

1) The club is awash with fit boys

2) Another crush slides into the DMs

3) That ex that holds a soft spot in your heart makes a re-appearance

4) He posts a pic with another girl

But you pretend that you have a full blown, five year long relationship with your "boyfriend" and that you're living together, going on constant city breaks, as well as being best friends with his sister when:

1) An old man on the street starts is approaching

2) Some crusty 4/10 guy is trying every terrible pick up line at a bar

3) Mercury has finally stopped being in retrograde and your horoscope says that his star sign is the one!!

If he mentions a girl you haven't heard of before, you'll start questioning if it's his long-lost cousin or whether you're slowly just being side-dished

So obviously without wanting to sound like a girl's lost her marbles, you won't flinch when he mentions said girl's name. Inside, a stomach knot will form and every past low-self esteem issue will resurface. Is there another girl? Do I just act cool? Have I caught the feels? HAVE I GOT MUG WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD???

Okay but also his "best-friend" literally fancies him and your gut instinct has never failed you in the past

This girl "best friend" he goes on about, that he's "known since he was eight years old" VERY CLEARLY fancies him. And I will fight anyone who disagrees with me, while still being nice to her face obvs.

Your friends will refer to him as your boyfriend and you won't even think about telling them to stop

There's no shame in bending the truth a little. Just lie to them and pretend like things are "better than ever", when he's actually gone AWOL since last Wednesday.

You'll try to make it look like you have a boyfriend on social media without actually calling him one

Then the whole "my friends keep asking me who the guy in my Insta story is, what should I tell them?" question will shortly follow. And don't even pretend that this whole scenario wasn't a part of your meticulous 'get him to ask me out' plan all along.

You're always texting 10 guys/backups but having a full on meltdown when HE doesn't text back

It's just a natural defence mechanism after years of wasting time on fuckboys. And he must definitely know he's the most important. Seriously though, I swear the more he ignores my texts, the more keen the other guys are. WHY DO BAD THINGS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE?

You've taken read receipts off your phone, so he doesn't see that your clingy arse is always reading his messages the moment he sends them

But then having a mini panic attack when your fat thumb accidentally starts typing a new message.

However, playing him at his own game will backfire even more

"I'll just ignore him and see if he tries to start a new conversation" sounds perfectly reasonable until it dawns on you that he's probably already moved on.

Valentine's, Christmas and anniversaries – you'll miss every excruciating relationship milestone

The relationship might be fictitious, but boy are these "special" milestones getting annoying. Instagram feeds are full of Pandora rings or fancy holidays, while some of us are wondering if we'll ever go on a proper date.

You're used to having relationship problems when you're not even in one???

Me: I'm not getting involved in any emotional drama this year, I'm gonna do me

Also me: WILL SOMEONE JUST PLEASE ASK ME OUT

And you can't get mad at all of the above because he's not your man

And then begins the month long process of convincing all of your mates that it was never serious in the first place, and that actually, you reaaaally didn't like him all along.