If Game of Thrones characters went to British unis, this is where they’d go
Bet you never saw this one coming
Series seven is behind us. All over the internet, websites devote painstaking attention to trawling reddit for the most outlandish Game of Thrones fan theories. Is Tyrion secretly a time-travelling Targaryen fetus? Maybe. Is Bran the Night King? Yes.
One has really caught our eye, however. Much of the Westerosi education system is treated as an afterthought, and perhaps there’s a reason for that. Through careful analysis of George RR Martin’s prose, we’ve figured out that each of these characters in fact went to a British university.
Oxford – Jon Snow
It pays to be careful around this one, and not just because he’s a handy fencer. For any given Oxford student, the outward appearance of being a total bastard often hides the fact that they’re either the earl of somewhere, or the rightful king of seven kingdoms.
Cambridge – Daenarys Targaryen
Phew. After what seems like five minutes, she’s finally stopped reciting the list of her titles. Must be important. And she says she’s spent years overseas abolishing slavery. It’s an impressive personal statement, but you can’t help thinking she’s acting a tad entitled.
Anglia Ruskin – Jorah Mormont
There are may ways to bring shame upon your family. Selling poachers to some Tyroshi slavers is one. Attending Anglia Ruskin is another. Oh well, anything to be close to Dany/Cambridge, keeping a watchful eye across the Fez dancefloor.
Leeds – Sansa Stark
People in the North shun you, and say your time down South has changed you. Trying to fit in down South is just as difficult. Still, you’ve been through a lot, but no horrors compare to the third day of an Otley Run bender.
Manchester – Arya Stark
As much as they keep repeating the whole ‘no-one’ thing and covering themselves in the tattiest sportswear going, they’ll never truly be able to escape their privileged background. When their poor old Mum comes across their tagged photos from Parklife, they’ll wish they were wearing someone else’s face.
Newcastle – Bran Stark
They’re easy to spot, you know, wrapped up in their Branada Goose jacket and some complementary Wargy Garms. Spending too long in the lands of (almost) always winter has changed them, too much of something’s left them dead behind the eyes. Still, you’d be having visions too, after all those triples.
Northumbria – The Night King
He’s just made it south of the wall, and is intent on destroying everything in its path. Thousands of years ago he might have been a normal person, but not now. Come to think of it, actually, all those sightings in Cosmic and around Jesmond…Northumbria and Newcastle…could they be the same? Is Bran the Night King?
Sunderland – Meera Reed
Do these guys exist solely to drag Bran/Newcastle?
UCL – Jaime Lannister
King’s slayer, or so you hope you’ll come to be known after Varsity. On paper you’ve got it all – flowing gold locks, perfect A-levels, but when you get put on the Small Council you’re about as much use as the weird mummy Jeremy Bentham that gets wheeled out for meetings.
King’s – Cersei Lannister
Long devoid of any fun, it’s Cersei’s mission to dominate the capital, then the world. Machiavellian scheming and a well-topped up Oyster card leave your enemies as scattered as your five campuses.
SOAS – Tyrion Lannister
Everyone thinks SOAS are total misfits, but they don’t care. Just like Tyrion, they wear that badge like armour. It can never hurt them. They’re the only one of their ilk that’s actually been to Essos, and don’t have a whole lot of time for the status obsession in the capital.
LSE – Tywin Lannister
Okay, so shadowing an MP isn’t exactly Hand of the King, but how else are you going to use your endless wealth and intricate knowledge of how power operates? With your home built on a literal goldmine, it’s a given that you’ll be repaying your student loan within months, rather than never.
Royal Holloway – Myrcella Baratheon
We’d forgotten all about you, all the way over there in Egham/Dorne.
Lancaster – Samwell Tarly
Just as Sam is shunned by his father, and his wisdom doubted by the maesters, Lancaster are shunned by the Russell Group, their top 10 wisdom doubted by students up and down the land.
Man Met – Gregor ‘The Mountain’ Clegane
With 52,000 applicants per year, you’re one of the biggest in the land. Manchester Polytechnic died a slow, gruesome death in 1992, and was revived as an entirely different beast – Man Met. Now, nobody’s quite sure what lies beneath the bucket hat that never leaves the head.
Leeds Beckett – Sandor ‘The Hound’ Clegane
Everyone thought Leeds Met was dead, and in truth, they kind of are. In their place is Leeds Beckett. Sandor fits in effortlessly amongst the burly sports students, and although seemingly a bit gruff, is ready to offer protection to Leeds/Sansa in their hour of need, whether it’s stopping Joffrey’s cruelty or providing gum at 2am.
St. Andrews – Mance Rayder
Not actually from these parts, the King-beyond-the-Wall brought together hundreds of tribes, from Eton, to Winchester, to Harrow, to Marlborough, in one desperate attempt to avoid the locals at any cost.
Aberdeen – Benjen Stark
Lovely guy, really. Trouble is, we forgot all about him when he went north of the wall. When he came back, there was just something about all that time in the cold that profoundly changed him.
Edinburgh – Ygritte
“You know nothing, Heriot-Watt,” comes the cry across the dancefloor.
Cardiff – Euron Greyjoy
Wales is a lot like the Iron Islands. Wet, holding proud in their way of life, and rebelling against the crown with a fervour only Owain Glyndŵr could muster.
And if that’s the case, then Euron, the king, embodies everything a Wednesday night in Cardiff should be – strangely dressed people, wont to violence, shouting about their sexual prowess.
USW – Theon Greyjoy
Theon’s identity crisis is as profound as that of USW. The only thing more existentially troubling than being split three ways between Stark, Greyjoy, and Reek is having your campuses split between Cardiff, Treforest, and Newport.
Cardiff Met – Yara Greyjoy
They’ll never accept a female queen of the Iron Islands, and they’ll never accept you into Cardiff proper with those grades. No, your fate is leading the occasional raiding party down to Cathays.
Durham – Littlefinger
Someone walks up to you at the Champagne Ball and whispers in your ear. “Chaos is a ladder,” they murmur from the shadows as they tell you of their plan to turn Oxford and Cambridge against each other, destroying them both in the process. Soon, the top spot will be theirs.
York – Varys
You tell everyone that you study PPE at York ‘for the realm’. It’s fooling nobody. You’re out for your own sinister ends, and the closer you can be to the power at the top of the league tables, without actually being there, the better.
Nottingham – Brienne of Tarth
You can hold your own against the best of them, but who knows if the fondness people have towards you is admiration or just pity?
Trent – Podrick Payne
Loveable, but we’re not entirely sure what you do.
Bristol – Margaery Tyrell
The wildfire-engulfed Sept of Baelor is almost as hot as a dancefloor full of gurning Bristol students, but not quite. And on it, every one of them is impeccably posh, but with an overstated concern for the downtrodden and unfortunate.
Sussex – Oberyn Martell
Sussex students, much like Oberyn, are taken to running around yelling about some long-forgotten grievance. It consumes them.
UWE – Davos Seaworth
Surviving purely on a diet of onion-heavy kebabs, and smuggling drugs into places they shouldn’t be, Davos/UWE managed to catapult themselves into relevance by just being in the right place at the right time.