The most bullshit things you’ll go through at uni, according to recent graduates

There’s always that dick who gets an acoustic guitar out at afters

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Setting off for university, you are filled with hope for a better world. One where all of the usual shit you go through on a daily basis vanishes, replaced with tranquility and general good times.

But moving to another part of the country to further your education does not suddenly make you or anyone else a better person. People are still dicks and acting in a manner historically associated with general dickishness.

These recent graduates are here to tell you some hard truths about what uni is really like, how it serves up the same shit sandwiches you'll be eating every single day of your working life until the warm embrace of death.

The prospectus contains more lies than The Bible and now you're stuck in a random part of the UK – Lorna, Sheffield

Flick through a copy of your university's prospectus and the place pictured and described within the hallowed pages is unrecognisable.

They all boast about how it is the place where you will be able to realise your ambition. How it is based in a vibrant, student-friendly city, with an abundance of cultural highlights to enrich your university experience.

Of course you would pick a city like Sheffield or Manchester over going to Keele and spending three years in Stoke. They do look very similar from the inside of your room, though, which is where you will spend most of your time, pissing away £27,000 on lectures that you won't attend.

Realising that your academic ambition ended with your A-levels – Annabel, Manchester

Remember agonising over league tables while selecting which universities to put on your UCAS form? The reality is that after realising the pains of 9am lectures in your second week, your academic ambition disappears.

Remember when you were really keen on getting to grips with medieval literature? That lasted long. Closing the curtains with daylight streaming through as you roll into bed at an ungodly hour after another night of being fucking mental, the last thing you want to do is get up before midday so that you can become acquainted with Keynesian economic theory.

Unless you are one of those legitimate psychopaths who makes exquisite notes at every lecture and has never missed a single contact hour. Those sorts of people are beyond help.

That one insufferable dick who brought an acoustic guitar to uni and will never miss an opportunity to perform at afters – Lucy, Cardiff

No-one has ever returned from a night out and thought, 'you know what I need right now, someone to whip out an acoustic guitar so everyone can drunkenly sing along to Wonderwall'.

What good is going to come of it? This is unlikely the first step on their journey to headlining Glastonbury. Put the guitar down, retreat to a safe distance, finish your kebab and now go the fuck to bed.

The guitar-playing douchebag can hide in plain sight, but it's probably the one on the right

The guitar-playing douchebag can hide in plain sight, but it's probably the one on the right

Half of all the people you will encounter at uni will be some of the worst human beings that our humble rock spinning through space has to offer – Jonny, York

There is an un-ending list of subcategory of human detritus that you will be studying alongside. They will make you question just what sort of university you attend and what it says about you.

However, there are two categories to highlight as the most undesirable.

People who try and buy cigarettes for a quid off of people in the smoking areas of clubs.

Oh, and student politicos.

Sticking to a budget is almost impossible, you have to accept that you'll be poor for three years – Diyora, Warwick

Show me the money

Show me the money

Any good intentions concerning budgeting are futile. You will be poor for the next three years no matter how much you work or try to restrict your spending. Every decision will be fraught with thinking "can I afford this" and every time the answer will be no, but that won't stop you.

Don't bother resisting getting an overdraft, there is literally zero pride to gain from not having one. Get one of your mates who studies economics to explain how it is basically free money.

Sorting out your second year house is the most brutal thing in the world – Will, Edinburgh

We all go through our lives not saying what we think. We lie for good and we lie for evil. We make life easier for ourselves by not telling the truth, often it's not worth the hassle.

However, sorting out who you are going to live with in your second year is an unbridled microcosm of brutal, healthy honesty. People telling each other to their face that they don't like them. Life is too short to live with someone who labels every single item they have in the fridge.

I don't really understand how society packs us off to uni without even exploring this phenomenon, surely there should be some sort of training or a textbook to read about how to do this in a more humane way?

Living off cheese toasties and frozen pizza every day for three years won't kill you but will probably result in long-term health consequences – Max, York

This monstrosity probably counts as one of your five a day

This monstrosity probably counts as one of your five a day

Scientists may refer to you as a medical marvel and be quoted in national newspapers saying that you should already be dead due to your diet, but do you really want to spend your three, short years at uni trying and failing to make risotto? It's probably best just to deal with the long-term health consequences when you're middle-aged and your life is basically over anyway.

People who study 'hard' subjects never shut up about it – Tom, Nottingham

Pretty chuffed you are studying chemistry or law at university and therefore intimidatingly intelligent? You should be. Doesn't mean anyone else is, and the precise reason we all choose to study something casual like Politics or English Literature is so that we don't have to do very much and come out of university with a 2:1 without breaking a sweat.

Those who study BA's certainly didn't sign up to listen to Chemistry students whinge about how many contact hours they have, or how much harder they have to work. Put your lab coat on and get back to your test tubes.

Everyone whole-heartedly believes that they have exceptional taste in music – Max, Leeds

No-one cares about that new mix you discovered on SoundCloud and your ironic love of cheesy pop is not ironic or kooky.

There are three songs that are definitively good and acceptable to play anywhere, at any time: Piano Man by Billy Joel, Postcards by James Blunt and JCB Song by Nizlopi.

The realisation that life won't necessarily get better when you graduate – Oli, Cardiff

That amazing grad job where you not only do really rewarding work but also get paid well? It doesn't exist. By all means cling on to the thought of it during your time at university, but get ready to face the realities of graduate life.

Nobody exists on purpose, nobody belongs anywhere, everybody's going to die. Enjoy your three years as an undergraduate!