These unis have made clearing videos that are so bad you know exactly where not to go
It’s for your own good
Clearing is a very normal part of getting into university, record numbers of students went through it last year to get on to an undergraduate course.
However, what is not normal is universities, with all of their supposed intellect, thinking the way to get students to pick their institution above all others is to create god-awful promotional videos and upload them to YouTube.
Strap in and hold on tight, if you feel nauseous please do not lean out over the side. This is for your own safety.
Kicking things off is Kingston University, recruiting what appears to be a failed CBBC presenter who looks and acts like every person you spend three years avoiding at university. Over-acting the really quite simple process of getting a university place through clearing.
The excruciating attempted self-awareness by sending up the usual tropes is almost too much. A careers adviser dressed as a fortune teller, a lecturer explaining the meaning of life to a group of adoring students.
This video has been made by someone who has heard about the idea of being funny, but can't quite grasp the concept. Similar to how a degree from Kingston is called a degree but it's just not quite the real deal.
Patronising – 3/5. Inspiring – 2/5. Effort put in – 4/5. How much I want to severely maim the kid in the video – 6/5.
These videos are supposed to be showcasing the best bits about a certain university right? Encouraging people to throw £27k+ at the issue of not having a clue of what to do with your life, and so pissing away three years of your finite life in a generic town somewhere in the UK, is not an unreasonable option.
Here we have Plymouth University, who have decided to project an image of a twee, PGL-esque borstal for those who just about managed to scrape together three A-levels. Don't believe what they're telling you, you will never ever go scuba diving at university.
Patronising – 4/5. Inspiring – 3/5. Effort put into making the video – 4/5. How much I feel like I'm back in Year 6 and on a school trip 5/5.
Have you ever wanted to watch a group of students, dead behind the eyes after three years at the University of Kent, telling you in their most monotone voice, with no bed music whatsoever, the minutaie behind going through clearing? Well, now's your chance!
There is a 74 per cent chance that these students are being held against their will, the admissions officer standing off camera with a gun pointed at their head, threatening to keep them in Kent for a master's if they don't do exactly as he tells them.
Patronising – 1/5. Inspiring – -7/5. Effort put into making the video – 1/5. How much I never want to go to Kent just in case I bump into one of these personality pits 5/5
Yes, Northampton have basically just ripped off that famous Ok Go music video, but you have to respect the fact it has over 800,000 views, surely making this the first ever university clearing video to go viral, probably.
Patronising – 2/5. Inspiring – 4/5. Effort put into making the video – 5/5 How much it makes me remember a 2010 music video that I had up until this point completely forgotten about 5/5
Every single person in this video is walking. Where to? I don't know. Why? I couldn't tell you. Maybe being able to put one foot in front of another is a pre-requisite to getting into the University of Leicester and they're all just showing off.
Maybe if you call the hotline on 0116 373 6000 they can clear it up for you.
Patronising – 5/5. Inspiring – 2/5. Effort put into making the video – 3/5. Miles walked by the people featured in the video – 17.3 miles
Meet Ben. He introduces himself as a 'Student Engagement and Recruitment Assistant'. Such a long job title surely signifies that Ben is at the top of his game? Snapping necks and cashing cheques, it's all in a day's work for Benny boy.
Unfortunately, this is not the case. Ben talks you through the clearing process, filmed across numerous locations, assisted by a really awful haircut and an even more horrific polo shirt.
Leaving personality at the door, Ben is living proof that a lobotomy will not hold you back from attending Wrexham University.
Patronising – 5/5. Inspiring – 2/5. Effort put into making the video – 3/5. Ratio of time spent either vehemently hating the mere thought of Ben's existence or pitying him – 4:3
I am not entirely sure whether the University of Suffolk is a real thing or just an elaborate rouse dreamed up by UCAS, those guys know how to have fun, because I've literally never heard of it.
The video starts with a student saying that as a direct result of attending the University of Suffolk she has a) learnt a lot and b) made friends. Phenomenal opportunities, sign me up.
Ah, the "don't panic" video, where the main message is not to panic. There's one every year, a cliché as old as time. But should you be panicking if there is a slight chance that you may end up spending three years of your life in Hull? It's not for me to say. Is the repeated use of slo-mo effect representative of how life passes in the apparent 2017 city of culture? No comment.
Patronising – 4/5. Inspiring – 3/5. Effort put into making the video – 3/5. How much are the people who made this video lying about the true aesthetic of Hull – 5/5