If your university was a contestant on Love Island, this is who it would be

Lol imagine if yours was Craig

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There’s absolutely no crossover between Love Island and university. Most of the contestants haven’t been to uni, and most university lecturers would sooner burn all their books than watch a single episode.

No, there’s absolutely no connection – and anyone who tried to force one would be clutching at straws. It would be a fool’s errand, for example, to allocate 2017 Love Island contestants to UK universities, based simply on their character traits.

It wouldn’t make any sense! It would be folly!

DURHAM – JONNY

You’ve come from a lot of money, you’re phenomenally awkward in social situations and your voice sounds like that of a butler gargling marbles. You possess the looks of a Made In Chelsea cast member, and yet the chat of a creepy PE teacher.  

For what it’s worth, Jonny did get mugged off – just like Durham students chasing the Oxbridge collegiate system only to be ripped off with costs.

Regardless, have you seen the size of his house?

WARWICK – TYLA

Tyla, like Warwick, is nobody’s first choice – probably because of her two-sided nature, or because the nearest night out is in fucking Coventry.

EXETER – ALEX

Generally quite good looking, reasonably intelligent probably looks great in stash – still, there’s not much to you. After graduation you’ll be spending your time in the Home Counties having the countryside picnics you’re so used to.

LEEDS – MARCEL

‘Don’t tell anyone, yeah, but I actually went to Leeds Uni…’ Like Marcel blowing his own trumpet about his time in “the Blazin’ Squad,” spend five minutes with anyone who went to Leeds and they’ll have already let you know that they went there and had an absolutely tremendous time.

All together now: I’ll see you on Brudenell Road, Brudenell Road, Brudenell Road.

MANCHESTER – GABBY

Leeds’ closest ally/bickering partner in the Russell Group, Manchester girls are all blondes who spend half their time in the gym and the other half dancing around in glitter bras.

Plus, the ladies of Fallowfield have been known to send a bitchy text or two behind each others’ backs.

NEWCASTLE – SAM

You’re only here for a good time and everybody knows it, you honourary radgie.

You may talk a lot of shite but at the end of the day you got called back to the island and have a degree from a Russell Group uni – even if most of your time was spent in Jesmond studying the sesh.

LIVERPOOL – LIV

She’s a) blonde, b) immaculately done up and c) a total bitch. Obviously ‘Liv’ is short for Liverpool!

LIVERPOOL JMU – CHLOE

You’re just a shit Liv.

BRISTOL – GEORGIA

Face it, Georgia’s outlandish fashion choices and prominent eyebrows lend themselves well to the blonde-girl-on-acid Bristol aesthetic.

Joseph’s technicolor dreamcoat? Yes please. Cycle shorts? Yep, just your average night at Motion, mate.

CARDIFF – AMBER

Like Cardiff in the Russell Group, you’re only in the villa because they needed someone Welsh. Where you really belong is on the dancefloor in Glam, pulling out fistfuls of strangers’ hair and necking on with whoever you lay your eyes on.

ST ANDREWS – CAMILLA

Oh, you’re ‘Scottish’? Sure you are. Find me any English girl at St Andrews who doesn’t talk like Camilla, doesn’t act like Camilla and isn’t actually called Camilla and I’ll find you a fucking liar.

EDINBURGH – MONTANA

You’re posh but you’re not too arsed about showing it off, because you’re the daaahling of the Scottish unis and ultimately a pretty classic gal.

Plus, you’re probably actually from Montana. Isn’t everyone at Edinburgh?

OXBRIDGE – JAMIE

Omg Jamie tell me again how much you love books.

OXFORD BROOKES – KEM

If you’re not poolside you’re probably going to be found in Fuzzy’s on a Wednesday, after getting free entry because you know everyone through the club promoter circuit.

Your Instagram is just filled with your mates in bikinis and six packs, and you all bond over your fantastic hair and your inability to do simple arithmetic.

LOUGHBOROUGH – THEO

You’ve sussed everyone out from the outside, done your homework on which uni has the best gym and which of the islanders you could crack on with.

Being an athlete doesn’t stop you being a dickhead, though. Best remember that.

UEA – HARLEY

You’re cute and innocent and prone to tears, but that won’t help you in the real world. Back to Norwich to live with your mum it is.

SHEFFIELD – DOM

You’re a simple northern uni, you keep yourself to yourself and you certainly don’t deserve the treatment you get from the rest of the Russell Group.

SHEFFIELD HALLAM – JESS

You literally only exist to either a) get with Sheffield or b) break Sheffield’s hearts (or noses) on nights out.

NOTTINGHAM – SIMON

So dull that no-one really even remembers you exist.

NOTTINGHAM TRENT – MARINO

Same as above, but with comically massive muscles.

UCL – DANIELLE 

An attractive prospect for all of two days, Casa Amor/London is actually pretty expensive and anyone who couples up with UCL will wish they’d stuck instead of twisted and stayed in the Villa/the North.

KING’S – NATHAN

Criminally underrated, possessing of an edgy hairstyle and likely to be kicked out within the first week for some sort of misdemeanour.

ROYAL HOLLOWAY – TYNE-LEXY

You’ve got an obscure double-barrelled name, but no-one remembers it and you never get any action because you never leave Egham/Casa Amor.

ABERYSTWYTH – CHYNA

YOUR NAME IS STUPID AND YOUR VOWEL PLACEMENT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE.

LEICESTER – CRAIG

Yeah, we’d almost forgotten about him too.

ALL POSTGRADS – MUGGY MIKE

You keep coming back for more and yet still no-one likes you.

With contributions from Jodie Morris, Mared Parry, Maz Worswick, Lydia Brown, Sammy Tempo, Sophie Thomas, Jenna Macfarlane, Charley Scoggins and Bella Eckert.