Clear your schedule, it’s time for a bumper tragic hometown clubbers of the week

The club you lost your virginity in is probably in this

At The Tab, there are only two things we’re any good at writing about: tragic hometown clubs, and the best clubbers of the week at any given moment in time. So fuck it, why not mash up the two?

We’ve scoured through the photos of everywhere from Batchwood in St Albans to Oceana in Southampton to the hallowed halls of Kingston Pryzm to bring you the best clubbers livin’ it up in the nation’s most tragic hometown clubs this summer.

And you know what? It’s been a pleasure. For while the people and the names may change, the Great British clubbing spirit remains, raging away from day to day like a big bag o’ cans being tossed around by a big group o’ lads.

Keep it up, guys. Keep making yourselves proud.

 Don’t talk to me or my clone ever again

Yeah they messed the height up but what you gonna do

I, for one, welcome our balloon overlords with open arms

Better to submit peacefully than allow them to slaughter my kin

Your mum and dad are very proud of you, young lady

They’re very proud of you indeed

When you’re getting smashed at eight but have violin practise at nine

Thish ish Beethoven

Everyone always asks to hear songs, but they never ask to hear how I am

No amount of EDM can fill this black hole in my heart

When you forget your ID but luckily you have your birth year stitched across your chest

You’re living in 2017, she’s living in 3017

I am very proud of my daughter for the fine young woman she has become

One day she will make an excellent businesswoman and an excellent bride

The floor is sobriety and adult responsibilities


When your friend infers anarcho-socialism is an idealistic system which would never work in practise

Whomst do you think you are?

When you see someone taking a massive shit in your VIP booth

Ahhhhh I paid one hundred smackaroonies for that booth

A visual representation of what endless Dunstable club appearances does to your soul




Hi, I’m Darren. I’m a DJ, but it’s really you I’d like to take for a spin

Look me up on Plenty of Fish™

When neither of you like brown ale but you want to impress your dad

Ew it horrible but daddy please

When one of your friends is terrified of balloons

The joy of the many outweighs the horror of the few

When everyone thinks you’re a skater but really you just like heavy-duty goods transport vehicles

My favourite is the Ford Transit

When the bouncer says you can only come in if you keep your tongue floating inside your mouth without touching anything


Tiff and Tom have just got back from a wonderful five days in Menorca

It really was fantastic, you must take a trip

When your T-shirt inadvertently describes your barber

What are the chances!

Ooooo no we’ve both simultaneously sat in something wet!

Oooooo cripes it’s all wet on me bum bum

When you realise cracking open a cold one with the boys is actually inherently sexist

Don’t the girls deserve to crack a cold one too?

‘Nan knows you made a shirt out of her curtains’

That’s a paddling

When the photographer catches you drinking a cup of jam

This is my jam lol

When your ship’s captain is being vaporised by a proton beam and all you can do is watch from the sidelines and weep

He was a good captain, and an even better friend

This photo just singlehandedly murdered every fox in the United Kingdom

It’s just pest control though yah



When you get in at 7am and your mum asks you if you’ve taken anything

nOtHiNg MoThEr

Anyway I’m meant to be DJing so going to stop doing clubbers of the week now

Lol guys stop distracting me I’ve got to go!!!

All photos are taken from the clubs’ official Facebook pages. Cover image from Tup Tup Palace.