Your choice of traditional British biscuit, and what it says about your vibe

No self-respecting adult eats Jammie Dodgers


Biscuits are a fundamental part of British culture.

So fundamental, in fact, that Sesame Street’s cookie monster has a British cousin CALLED THE BISCUIT MONSTER.

Yes, we Brits love our biscuits – but we’re also very particular about the biscuits we do (and do not) love. Here’s a handy guide to all the biccies of our great nation, and what eating them generally says about your vibe.

Digestives

You have never held a stimulating conversation with anyone. The only individual who listens to you is your cat, and that’s only because she knows you give her food.

Chocolate Digestives

You’re outrageously middle class, but you’re trying not to be.

You’ll grab some Digestives out of the tin, some Choccy Ds for the builders working on your extension, and pretend they’re just a normal old snack for a geezer like you who likes 5-a-side football and The Sun and doesn’t have pomegranate-infused overnight oats soaking in his fridge.

Dark Chocolate Digestives

As middle class as the milk chocolate variety, but happy to own it. Jamie Laing’s grandfather invented the Digestive, don’t you know.

Caramel Digestives

You do your big shop in Waitrose.

Orange Chocolate Digestives

Nope.

Hobnobs

You tend the earth outside your rustic farmhouse with your thick, calloused hands. 

Chocolate Hobnobs

You grow asparagus outside your chic countryside hunting lodge and wear fabulously pleated trousers while doing so.

Bourbons

The bourbon is the footsoldier of the biscuit tin. It stands to reason that the consumers of the bourbon also bear these characteristics, like an owner coming to resemble its dog.

Hardy, reliable and consistent. Bourbonites think nothing of polishing off one 45p Tesco value pack in a singular sitting. In fact, they relish the prospect.

Custard Creams

Like bourbons, but for people who drink weak tea and are afraid of rollercoasters and sunlight.

Fox’s Golden Crunch Creams

A stickler for value and panache recognises the Fox’s Golden Crunch Cream as the rightful holder of its best-biscuit-in-the-tin mantle.

You are astute, you invest shrewdly and decisively and, most importantly, you revel in impeccable taste.

Maryland Chocolate Chip Cookies

You’re a simpleton. A humble man of this great land who thinks that spending £1 on a pack of cookie shaped rocks is an acceptable way to blow your disposable income.

You were gutted when Nuts and Zoo folded and you miss the old LadBible before they pretended to care about social issues. You’re not looking for a life-changing experience and, luckily for you, you will not find one in this packet.

Maryland Creations

You are never satisfied, and your dissatisfaction has led to these monstrosities. What next? Human-bovine embryos? A man with the tentacles of a squid?

Will you not stop playing God until our very humanity is laid to waste?

Jammie Dodgers

You’re a kind person. You probably wave hello to your neighbours, and call your mother every evening to check in. When your gruesome murders become public knowledge, they’ll say they didn’t suspect a thing.

Club Orange

A horrific industrial accident has left you without the use of your tastebuds. A very similar industrial accident, funnily enough, to the one which spawned Club Orange.

Jaffa Cakes

You’ll painstakingly tell everyone a long-winded story about how EU regulation means it has to be called a “cake” to avoid tax, but it out-and-out is actually a biscuit. You voted for Brexit.

Pink Wafers

You have a thin moustache, you wear your socks rolled up high and you’re a bit too handsy when you meet new people.

Penguin Bars

Your mum still packs your lunch, which probably consists of a small bag of carrot sticks, a packet of Walkers Ready Salted, and if there’s a deal on, a delicious innocent smoothie.

You tuck into your Frube, thinking you’ll save the Penguin for later, but you never do do you, you cheeky rascal!!

Chocolate Fingers

Why do they remind me of Michael Barrymore? Did he promote them? Anyway, not good connotations.

White Chocolate Fingers

Racist.

Oreos

You once participated in Camp America and everyone SIMPLY MUST KNOW ABOUT IT.

Party Rings

Ironically, you never get invited to parties.

Mikado

You constantly bore people with your fitness talk, your diet talk, and your constant oops face you make every time you say you’ll have a Mikado “just to be cheeky.”

One packet and one cancelled gym class later, you’re the only one who can’t see that you’re a great big phoney.

Go Ahead Yogurt Breaks

Oh fuck off.

Kimberley Mikado

You’ve never heard of them? Yeah I guess they’re not mainstream. Whatever.

Malted Milk

You remember World War II like it was yesterday, all those men shipping off to the shores of Normandy. You recall with stunning accuracy life under rationing, the first and second Wilson governments and that weirdo Ted Heath.

You think life was better back then, but you can’t quite remember how.

Nice Biscuits

You wear Cath Kidston and drive a Fiat 500. When you speak white noise comes out.

Shortbread

Famously Jeremy Corbyn’s favourite biscuit “if forced,” so take from that what you will.

Rich Tea

You wear cardigans in summer in case you “catch a chill”; you used to get excused from PE lessons with faked notes from your mum.

You are weak and feeble, like this glorified flint of tasteless cardboard.

Ginger Nuts

You are a strong, powerful, independent person and, much like the humble ginger nut, you do not crumble under pressure/hot water.

Tunnock’s Teacakes

Let nobody ever say that you don’t have a sense of occasion. Either that, or you’re just Scottish.

Choco Leibniz

You, my friend, are continental European luxury in flesh form. You’re well travelled; familiar with Ritter Sport, Oreo Milka, the finer things in life.

You do not settle for Custard Creams because they are against everything you stand for, and biscuits do not belong in family packs.

Garibaldi

Fuck the Garibaldi. Take this sorry imbiscuitator, shove it as far as your Nutribullet’s blade allows and give it a good fucking pulsing.

Florentine

You vote Tory.

Viennese Sandwiches

You have a title in the family and sit in the House of Lords.

Border Dark Chocolate Gingers

Your Majesty!?