If you prefer baths over showers there’s something deeply wrong with who you are as a person

It’s seemingly the answer to every question: tired? Have a bath. Stressed? Have a bath. Hungover? Have a bath. As a stressed out final year student, it’s a predicament I know all too well. But while my friends and roommates pine for the comfort of their own bath like they do the love and affection of their pets, I prefer other ways to relax – ones that don’t involve sending that inevitable bathtub Snapchat like everyone cares about your bubbly evening.  I know it’s controversial – I just do not get it.

My first Saturday job was in Lush; I made a living out of baths. I could tell you anything you wanted to know about bath bombs and bubbles, but one thing I could never understand was why you’d want to have one in the first place. You are literally lying in a hot, sweat-inducing container that is gradually accumulating within its confines exactly the stuff you want to be rid of.

Chandler I can assure you that bath’s not going to help

One of the main reasons for having a bath is to clean yourself (groundbreaking). In the shower, you scrub away whatever the day’s thrown at you and it gets washed far down the drain, never to be seen again. You emerge, pores clear and skin glowing, ready to start afresh. In the bath, you scrub yourself off only to proceed to lie in the residue for the next 45 minutes. You get out, but you’re not really clean; you’re just covered in rogue bubbles which no one really knows how to deal with (rinse them off with a shower? scrape them off with your towel?) and are just as dirty as when you got in.

I don’t know about you, but when I trudge home from the gym all sweaty and gross, the first thing I want to do is remove all evidence that I was ever in such a state. I definitely do not bathe myself in the products of said state.

And what about your hair? Supposedly, British women spend over £70,000 on their appearance over their lifetime, so you’d think that means we treat the fruits of this economic labour with the utmost respect and protection. But no, instead we rinse our expensive shampoo and conditioner out by dunking our hair in what can only be described as glorified pond water. I’ve heard Moroccan Argan oil and post-pilates sweat are a really effective combination to combat those split ends.

As for those who argue that it’s relaxing? I’m the first to admit I love nothing more than binge-watching Netflix or scrolling mindlessly through my Instagram feed at the end of the day. That’s relaxing. It’s fucking hard work existing sometimes and we all need to immerse ourselves in something other than real life. But balancing a laptop precariously on a toilet seat, or venturing to take your phone into the bath with you, so you can binge and scroll from the tub? Not so much. Popcorn goes soggy, wine goes warm and ice cream just melts (trust me, I’ve tried).

Then there’s the age-old adage that a bath can cure a multitude of aches and pains. I’ll admit, in the past a post-ballet soak in some epsom salt wasn’t exactly terrible. But, then again, it’s the 21st century: throw some deep heat on that shit and move on.

I know this is a first-world “problem”, I really do.  But please, for the love of all that’s good in the world, next time I’m having a rough day or simply need to wind down, please don’t suggest that I “just have a nice bath”. Because I’m a shower person. And because baths are fucking shit.