Everything you’ll understand if you’re not hot, but not ugly either

I know we think about most things in a binary: rich or poor, fat or skinny, nice or mean, iPhone or Android (iPhone, because I was raised right). Maybe the biggest, starkest diving line in our society, though, is between hot people and ugly people.

Even though we have that incredibly divisive distinction between beautiful and…not beautiful, I’d venture to say that most of us exist somewhere in the middle. I know I do.

Look, I know I’m not the Elephant Man, but no one’s exactly composing poetry about me either. I don’t even know what to call it. Average? Socially acceptable? Mehhh? It’s where we most of us are, and there are certain things those firmly planted on either side of the line just can’t relate to.

You get hit on a lot…but only by creeps and weirdos

I guess they think we’re accessible or something? We get catcalled all the time, but it’s only ever by men old enough to be our dead grandfathers or people with tinfoil on their heads because they’re convinced the Empire State Building is controlling their minds with electricity.

Depending on the day, you can fall hard into either category

Don some unwashed hair and sweatpants and you will be catapulted firmly into Team Fugly™. But take your time, work the contour, wear a hot outfit and you’re instantly rocketed from a 5 or 6 to a 7 or 8. It’s like magic, really.

Because of this, you can sometimes feel like a catfish of yourself. Sometimes you see or take a picture of yourself and you literally want to print out copies to hand out to people on the street, and other times you look at a photo and want to die because you realise you’ve been lied to about being ugly your whole life. Like Oprah would say, “So what is the truth?”

You’ve never been called sexy, just cute or pretty

Beautiful? Sexy? Gorgeous? Hot? Bad? Fine?

You just don’t understand how some girls do that thing where they’re just sexy? Like with a sexy walk and a sexy attitude?? Can’t relate, can’t understand. Do they make classes for that?