Everything you’ll understand if you’re not hot, but not ugly either
Being called sexy? Can’t relate
I know we think about most things in a binary: rich or poor, fat or skinny, nice or mean, iPhone or Android (iPhone, because I was raised right). Maybe the biggest, starkest diving line in our society, though, is between hot people and ugly people.
Even though we have that incredibly divisive distinction between beautiful and…not beautiful, I’d venture to say that most of us exist somewhere in the middle. I know I do.
Look, I know I’m not the Elephant Man, but no one’s exactly composing poetry about me either. I don’t even know what to call it. Average? Socially acceptable? Mehhh? It’s where we most of us are, and there are certain things those firmly planted on either side of the line just can’t relate to.
You get hit on a lot…but only by creeps and weirdos
I guess they think we’re accessible or something? We get catcalled all the time, but it’s only ever by men old enough to be our dead grandfathers or people with tinfoil on their heads because they’re convinced the Empire State Building is controlling their minds with electricity.
Depending on the day, you can fall hard into either category
Don some unwashed hair and sweatpants and you will be catapulted firmly into Team Fugly™. But take your time, work the contour, wear a hot outfit and you’re instantly rocketed from a 5 or 6 to a 7 or 8. It’s like magic, really.
Because of this, you can sometimes feel like a catfish of yourself. Sometimes you see or take a picture of yourself and you literally want to print out copies to hand out to people on the street, and other times you look at a photo and want to die because you realise you’ve been lied to about being ugly your whole life. Like Oprah would say, “So what is the truth?”
You’ve never been called sexy, just cute or pretty
Beautiful? Sexy? Gorgeous? Hot? Bad? Fine?
You just don’t understand how some girls do that thing where they’re just sexy? Like with a sexy walk and a sexy attitude?? Can’t relate, can’t understand. Do they make classes for that?
You’re funny as fuck to compensate for it
You’re the entertainer of the group, the ringleader, the funny one. And my God, you’ve gotta be. Remember what a struggle puberty was? It forced you to develop a sense of humor and an actual personality.
Then, once you kiiind of glo’d up, you had a B+ face and an A+ attitude which made you everyone’s friend. Actually, that means we’re winning. Whole package…sort of. It definitely means we can date up.
Same thing with sex, tbh
Hot girls just lay there. You know who doesn’t? Someone with something to prove. If your vag had a Yelp! page, it’d be all five-star reviews.
Every year, you get a liiiittle bit closer to the hot side
Onwards and upwards, honestly. Maybe it’s a tweak to your eyebrows, a new workout, a haircut, but every year you evolve a little on your road to a Charizard-style makeover. I’m sorry, that wasn’t funny.
But seriously, you’re always unlocking new levels of hottness you can achieve and maybe one day you’ll ascend to your true throne of hot.
You’ve become a selfie expert because you know how to work your angles
You might have 73 outtakes in your camera roll, but the one you choose to upload is perfect. When it’s time for the group photo, you immediately rush to your good side, pop a skinny arm, hit the head tilt, do the Taylor Swift neck (stick you chin out and down, trust me) and the results are always good because you’ve had so much practice.
It’s also why everyone always wants you to take their fake-candid photo — you just have an eye for concealing flaws and promoting the best features.
Honestly, maybe it’s better to be in the middle where we are. No where to go but up.
By Amanda Ross