The tragic things that only happened at your Year 10 Skins-esque house party

When your mum and dad went off to the Canary Islands for a week, there was only one thing for it: a messy house party.

House parties in year 10-13 were the golden years of secondary school. They were probably the first time you tried weed and subsequently whiteyed, lost your virginity, and cemented your now hatred for Strongbow.

The house parties were well planned in a desperate attempt to mirror Skins, and you now look back on them nostalgically as being “the good times”. The only worries in those days were whether you were going to drink Cactus Jacks or peach schnapps, and whose older brother you were going to nag to get it.

YOU WOULD DRINK ANYTHING, LITERALLY ANYTHING, YOU COULD LAY YOUR HANDS ON

Cherry brandy, old navy rum, bleach – it didn’t matter what it tasted like, as long as it was over 40 per cent and you could mix it together in a punch you were there for it.

EVERYONE WOULD TALK ABOUT THE PARTY AT SCHOOL LIKE IT’S GOING TO BE IDENTICAL TO PROJECT X OR SKINS

There’s gonna be drugs all over the dining room table, shagging in the garden, two of your best girl mates experimenting in the bathroom and ketchup sprayed on the curtains if it’s anything like it is in Skins.

It was literally nothing like this.

STRONGBOW, CACTUS JACKS, PEACH SCHNAPPS AND ALCOPOPS WERE YOUR TIPPLES OF CHOICE

Bet you can’t drink any of these now without feeling sick.

SOMEONE WOULD BRING WEED AND EVERYONE WOULD TRY AND HAVE A TOKE

Omg omg this really is like Skins now, there is dope at my party, this will go down in history. What’s that? Someone’s made a bong out of a water-bottle?

THIS WOULD ALWAYS LEAD TO SOMEONE HAVING TO WHITEY

And they would be rinsed for the rest of their school days.

IT WAS COMPULSORY TO TAKE PICTURES HOLDING ALCOHOL TO SHOW EVERYONE YOU’RE DRUNK 

There would be an album full of selfies, arty shots of beer bottles and cigarette packets, people on the tables all taken on a DSLR camera. You probably went on to use the pics in your GCSE art project thinking it was groundbreaking.

DUBSTEP WAS THE SOUNDTRACK TO THE NIGHT, AND LOOKING BACK ON IT YOU WOULD NEVER, EVER PLAY THAT SHITE EVER AGAIN

“Wait for the drop wait for the drop!!!” (1.09 in)

EVERYONE WOULD END UP NAKED AT SOME POINT

I mean they’ve always got their kit off in Skins right?? Sexually frustrated, it was an opportunity for the guys to peacock, and a chance for the girls to show off their latest New Look 915 push up bra and pretend they’re Effy for 15 mins.

AND SOMEONE WOULD PROBABLY LOSE THEIR VIRGINITY 

If they didn’t it wasn’t a good night.

ALL THE EXPENSIVE VASES, ORNAMENTS AND OTHER PRIZED POSSESSIONS WOULD BE TAKEN DOWN FROM THE SHELVES

Trying to super-glue thirty pieces of your mum’s gran’s victorian sugar bowl together to look back to normal wasn’t worth the hassle, nor was the story you pre-planned telling her “it wasn’t me”, so instead you cleared the house out for minimal breakage.

PEOPLE WOULD SIT IN THE BATH AND TAKE PHOTOS

Okay okay this is so Skins, pretty sure they do this in season two or whatever, everyone sit in with their legs over the side and pose like we are all wasted. Am I Cassie??

GROUPS WOULD GO FOR ‘WALKS’ HALFWAY THROUGH THE PARTY

Chloe and Soph have gone off for a DMC about ex-boyfriend Steven who’s just got with Ella in the bathroom on the sly. The boys have gone off for ‘a walk’, no doubt to bring back a shopping trolley, road sign and wheelie bin into the house – legends.

YOU WOULD LIVE IN FEAR THE POLICE WOULD SHOW UP, YOU WOULD ALL GET A CRIMINAL RECORD AND YOUR MUM WOULD FIND OUT 

If I get grounded I won’t be allowed to prom!!!

YOUR PARENTS WOULD GIVE YOU A LECTURE BEFORE THEY LEFT THE HOUSE

“DON’T have a house party. We will KNOW.”

THERE WOULD ALWAYS BE THAT ONE PERSON WHO GOT PARALYTIC 

In the garden, out the front over the family car, in your sister’s bed, in the hallway – after their fourth WKD they were gone.

EVERYBODY WOULD SWARM AROUND THE PERSON WHO BROUGHT A WHOLE BOTTLE OF SMIRNOFF VODKA TO THE PARTY

“Pleeeease, can I have just one shot???”

BLACK EYED PEAS ‘I GOT A FEELING’, WONDERWALL, DONNY SOLDIER AND DAVID GUETTA ‘MEMORIES’ WERE ON THE PLAYLIST

Still are tbh.

YOU WOULD HAVE TO PLAN HOW YOU WERE GETTING YOUR BOOZE AT LEAST TWO WEEKS IN ADVANCE

Someone in the group had good connections with the upper Sixth and would put the order in cash-in-hand for those without older brothers and sisters. The order would include ten crates of Strongbow, ten crates of Bud, 16 Bacardi Breezers, one Caribbean Twist, two bottles of vodka, five crates of blue VS (VKs weren’t a thing then), a pack of filters, pack of rizlas and four packs of twenty Lambert and Butlers.

GIRLS WOULD BE DRESSED TO THE NINES 

The sluttier you felt the better. Usually from River Island or New Look, the dress needed to be tight, short, booby, accompanied by six inch heels and fake tan on your legs, obviously with your bra just showing.

“NO ONE IS ALLOWED IN MY PARENTS ROOM”

Your parents bed would be the first one people bagsied, slept in and shagged in by various couples throughout the night, without fail.

SOMEONE WOULD WANT TO HOTBOX THE GARDEN SHED

Invite only, once you were in the shed you were barred from leaving. You can’t breathe anymore, there is literally no oxygen left but there is no way in hell you are opening that door and letting all the smoke out.

THE NO SHOES POLICY

This fails and mud ends up on the sofas and on mum’s new cream IKEA rug.

SOMEONE WOULD LEAVE PORN PLAYING ON THE FAMILY COMPUTER OR BABESTATION ON THE TV

It was probably the last time you watched meat spin.

HAVING TO GET RID OF ALL THE BOTTLES IN THE LOCAL DUMP THE NEXT DAY SO YOUR PARENTS WOULDN’T FIND OUT

Mum and dad don’t have eyes to see footmarks on the table and on the cream carpet, and a nose to smell the lingering fag ash and spilt beer on the sofa.

TRYING TO ACT SOBER IF YOUR PARENTS PICKED YOU UP 

They can smell you from a mile away.