We asked people the weirdest thing someone’s said to them after sex and the answers shook our faith in humanity

Have you heard the best new millennial love story tipped to win a Pulitzer? It goes like this:

I was once of the general belief that the creepy millennial ‘hey’ – as yet unexplained – is the worst thing someone can say to you after sleeping with them. Then I asked some other girls for their stories, and it turns out it can be a lot worse.

Emma

Literally immediately afterwards he asked me if I was close with my dad.

Poppy

We had hooked up and were just chatting, this guy started telling me about how when guys get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night they don’t like to turn on the light and sometimes they just pee all over the bathroom. Quite strange topic for pillow talk. He told me that women probably don’t have this problem, and I just thought, yeah, because we’re smart enough to turn the fucking light on.

Anna

As soon as we’d finished he said “what’s your absolute worst memory”. I almost replied “having sex with you pal”.

Laurie

I hooked up with a guy in a club. He seemed nice, reasonably good looking and funny. We ended up back at his where I started giving him a blowjob. He came on my face within minutes, walked towards the door, said: “You know what this is” and walked out.

Violet

“I’m happy that thousands of my little men are swimming inside of you”.

Izzy

“Shit, my girlfriend’s calling me” is always a nice one.

Melissa

Everything was fine. We were having normal, standard, good sex. We were also both absolutely wasted. So when there was a muffled “I love you” in the middle of it, it took me a minute to process. I don’t think we even stopped. It was only afterwards, lying next to each other and staring at the ceiling, that it was awkward. You know the conversation: breath returning to normal, unforgiving pale blue light, a car alarm going off somewhere, a person you don’t really know well enough to have that conversation, being forced to have that conversation.

“So you know that thing you said-“

“Yeah I mean that’s – “

“Oh yeah obviously.”

“OK cool.”

“Cool.”

Chloe

“I really need to find a nice girl to settle down with before my hairline starts to recede” – this dude was my ex-boyfriend I was still hooking up with, so he wasn’t even talking about me.

Franny

The first time I had sex ever my boyfriend leaned right over me and said “fuck you” and laughed like he was the funniest person in the world. It was so romantic.

Zooey

A guy I was having a one night stand with was creepily obsessed with my skin – specifically how soft it was. He kept telling me it was “soft like a baby’s” and complimenting my “amazing porcelain skin.” After the fourth or fifth time I flat out told him to stop talking and leave.

Mary-Lou

One guy I was sleeping with quite regularly one evening grabbed a chunk of my thigh and was like, “I really like this fleshy part”. “Fleshy”. We stopped sleeping with each other regularly after I reckoned he was basically fat-shaming me by stealth.

@rosielanners