Everyone you’ll work with (and secretly hate) in your twenties
Including the one who you’ve only ever spoken to about your weekend plans
If you liked school, the saying goes, then you’ll love work.
But if, like most people you found school quite tedious and boring and, although you had great mates you ultimately had to spend your days with people you didn’t really like then congrats!
That’s what work is like too. Ah yes, work, where the proletarians have nothing to lose but our chains. Work, where you’ll spend your time with people like this.
THE ONE WHO ALWAYS EATS YOUR FOOD
Despite your best efforts, nothing gets past him. You’ll open your crisp packet as quietly as possible, he’ll clock on. You try and pretend your chocolate bar is healthy, he’ll take the risk. You try and eat your sweets as fast as possible, but there’s no hiding from the food stealer.
THE ONE WHO YOU’VE LITERALLY ONLY EVER SPOKEN TO ABOUT YOUR WEEKEND PLANS
You always get stuck in the kitchen with them. You’re still answering their inquisitive “plans for the weekend?” even though you’ve both been there a year. You don’t really look at each other when you speak. It’s awkward.
THE NICE WOMAN WHO BRINGS IN BAKED GOODS THREE TIMES A WEEK
Ah, lovely Susan. What’s it today? Oh a carrot cake. Hm, not your best but you know what go on I’ll have three slices. Yummy yummy yummy. You know nothing of Susan’s life and you do not wish to find out. Gobble gobble. Susan’s yummy work food. Down into my belly before everyone else in this place gets in the queue. Vultures.
THE ONE WHO SHRUGS AND SAYS ‘PUB???’ AT 6PM ON THE DOT EVERY EVENING
Extra points if they tilt their little finger to their mouth and declare it’s “beer o’clock.” They are so lonely.
THE ONE WHO TAGS YOU IN MEMES
They constantly tag you in shit like this.
THE ONE WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES ON BUT ACTS LIKE YOU’VE INSULTED THEM IF YOU ASK THEM TO TAKE THEM OFF
There he is, at his desk, chunky Sennheiser headphones covering his ears. He’s listening to something loud, like Rammstein or the Moana soundtrack, and he’s oblivious to what’s going on around him. You’ll call his name in incremental volumes; you’ll tap him; you’ll throw pens at him. Eventually he’ll take his headphones off and grunt WHAT!? like you’ve just stepped on his cat.
THE ONE WHO ALWAYS BRAGS ABOUT HIS GAMBLING WINS
Yeah, we know, you won 20 quid – but what about the 300 you lost over the course of the last two weeks.
THE ONE WHO GETS VERY CONFUSED AND UPSET ABOUT MINISCULE CHANGES IN THE WORKPLACE STRUCTURE
They didn’t learn how to use the new internet for four weeks, they avoid using the printer like the plague, they ask other people to make them coffee every since they upgraded the machine and they constantly forget how to clock out. Once, you caught them rolling their eyes at a small change to the structure of morning meetings and muttering under their breath about how things have transformed into a “bureaucratic fascist snake pit”. Chill out.
THE ONE WHO IS RUNNING A HALF MARATHON, DIDN’T THEY TELL YOU?
How do you know they’re running a half marathon? Well if you had missed the poster they brought to work, their constant Facebook updates and the fairy cakes they baked for “just 50p each” it’ll be because they tell you they are running a half marathon constantly. Your conversations work like this: “How was your weekend” “Yeah man nice. Just chilled and that. Yours?” “Oh mate I’m in week six of the couch to 5k, it’s getting pretty intense. So I pulled my hamstring last week and -” Didn’t ask. Did not ask.
THE ONE WHO CONSTANTLY TELLS YOU THEY’RE QUITTING BUT NEVER ACTUALLY QUITS
“Honestly I’ve fucking had enough, this is the last straw”. You nod sagely over your coffee as you have this whispered discussion in the kitchen with the person who has threatened to quit more times than you can count. “I’m just gonna walk in there and say I’m fucking done.” You frown and pat them on the arm. “Fuck this place man”. This person will not be quitting their job because money can be exchanged for goods and services and thus they are trapped by the capitalist machine.
THE ONE WHO WEARS GYM STUFF ALL THE TIME
We all know you aren’t going to the gym. Those trainers aren’t even gym-friendly. I bet you don’t even have a gym membership. Wait, don’t we have a dress code?
THE ONE WHO IS REALLY ANNOYINGLY HEALTHY
She’ll spend her Sundays doing “meal prep” (you know this because she posted the five sad looking tuppawares on Instagram.) As you’re eating your coco pops, she’s munching like a little rabbit on her carrot sticks and home-made chia seed energy balls, sipping some green sludge. She doesn’t even know what cacao is, but she loves it.
THE ONE WHO REALLY DRESSES UP FOR WORK
This isn’t a fashion show.
THE ONE WHO IS ALWAYS COLD
“I’m coooooooold” they’ll say in a thin t-shirt with their jumper beside them. Refusing to put that on, they’ll demand the heating is cranked up and the windows closed, even when it’s boiling outside.
THE ONE WHO IS ALWAYS HOT
I’m literally about to freeze to death, and you’ve just opened two windows. TWO. Please can you sort out your thermoregulatory system out. Address your sweating problems and let the rest of us live in peace.
THE ONE WHO ALWAYS HAS A REALLY FANCY LUNCH
How much they earning?
WAIT, WHAT DO YOU ACTUALLY DO HERE?
Come on, what do you really do? What even is an Assistant to the Regional Manager? Do you assist the manager, or do you assist in the managing, or do you sit there pretending to be important? It’s the latter, isn’t it?
THE ONE WHO HAS LITERALLY BEEN THERE FOREVER
They’re not particularly committed to anything, turning up on the odd social for a couple of drinks but that’s about it. This is just a job to them. They have ‘other friends’ and don’t really care for your bullshit. They’re emotionless, they don’t smoke, and by 22 they’re moved in with their S/O.
THE ONE WHO IS ALWAYS POORLY
She’s used up her sick days, bless her, so she’s soldiered on and come in. This means though, that you’ll have to endure hours of snotty Kleenexes, potent lemsip concoctions and croaky “I’m just feeling a bit under the weather”s. You are worried about this person’s immune system, but primarily you are annoyed.
THE ONE WHO IS ALWAYS COLLECTING MONEY FOR SOMETHING YOU CATEGORICALLY DO NOT CARE ABOUT
Ah, christening for the child of the man who comes in occasionally to fix the printer is it? I DON’T CARE. Susan’s 46th birthday and we’re all putting in a fiver for an inexplicably expensive cake because she doesn’t drink and she old as fuck? I DON’T CARE. Couple of quid for the spread at the sad Christmas party I won’t be going to? Hey buddy, I DO NOT CARE.
THE SMUG ONE
Some of us take achievements silently in our stride; some of us take praise with a grin and a pat on the back, or share news of promotions with our closest friends. Then there’s the smug one, who will stand up tall and let everyone around them about the big sale they just made. Sure, you may have made beat your quota, but everyone else is going for post-work pints and they haven’t invited you.
THE ONE WHO PASSES OFF YOUR MINOR ACHIEVEMENTS AS THEIR OWN
Wait, what? What did you just take credit for? I was the one who ordered the new printer ink you FUCKING JUDAS.
THE WORK HUSBAND
You think he cares about your relationship problems because he’s a really nice guy. He isn’t.
THE ONE WHO HAS THEIR OWN STASH OF CONDIMENTS AND SNACKS, BUT NOT FOR SHARING
A packet of biscuits, sweet chili sauce, breakfast bars – they’re all stashed in a clear plastic box, clear enough for everyone to see, but not for anyone to touch. They’re the first to rip a sweet out of your hand after you say “does anybody want a -” but would never dream of offering you anything, ever.
THE ONE WHO OCCASIONALLY BRINGS THEIR ADORABLE DOG IN
Never do them wrong.
THE ONE WHO IS ALWAYS LATE
How many more hours in bed have you had than me over the last year? I mean I’m more jealous than angry.
THE ONE WHO ALWAYS ASKS QUESTIONS AT THE END OF A MEETING LIKE A TEACHER’S PET OR SOMETHING
A) That was covered extensively in slide 5 and 6
B) This is not going to get you a promotion
THE ONE YOU SECRETLY FANCY
IN A DIFFERENT WORLD WE DON’T WORK TOGETHER AND YOU SEE ME EVERY DAY BECAUSE YOU ACTUALLY WANT TO.
THE ONE YOU ACTUALLY LIKE AS A PERSON
One day you will escape this hellhole together.