Girls share their experiences of the grossest things which have happened to them during sex

If your experience of sex comes from TV and films, you would expect that it is a beautiful romantic passionate thing where nothing goes wrong and everyone is toned and the lighting is perfect. In reality – unless you’re lucky every single time – it’s not really like that.

Actually there’s a multitude of awkward stories that come from aspiring to that ideal. They’re usually the kind of things which are grudgingly sent in parts down your girls group chat as someone does the lonely walk of shame home, followed by copious “LOOOOOOOOOL”s and screenshots to enjoy later. If you’re in one of those group chats, you probably find the following stories, shocking, entertaining, but ominously familiar. They’ll also probably make you never ever want to have sex again in your entire life.

Enjoy!

Katie

So I was sleeping with a guy and I went back to his after a really boozy night out. I was so drunk, which made me way too confident when I went down on him. Basically as I was deep throating him, I throated too deep. I skipped right past the gag reflex and threw up all over his dick. Pretty sure I made him clear it up too. I was really drunk and I don’t remember cleaning it up at all. It wasn’t just a little bit of cute sick by the way. Like it was a lot, silently, mid flow. I got too brave.

Emma

One time in NYC me and this guy I was seeing ended up having sex on the rooftop. I was sat on the like little wall thing. And he got a bit keen and was really going for it, which was fine until he knocked my butt onto a nail sticking out of the wall, basically impaling me on it. It hurt so fucking much and I started bleeding everywhere, it was so embarrassing. To me it was gross, and traumatic. Seeing the Manhattan skyline made it worth it but I’ve still got a scar on my butt (you can see it whenever I wear a bikini for fuck’s sake).

Poppy

Basically my ex and I decided spontaneously during sex to try anal. He stuck a finger in and after a few moments kind of slowly said “Um, you don’t need the loo by any chance do you?” I dunno about you, but it’s kind of hard to tell when someone has their finger shoved up there so I replied “I don’t know!” in a high-pitched, squeaky panic. He withdrew, we finished having sex and didn’t really mention it until a few weeks later he admitted that he’d definitely got shit on his fingers. Lesson learned; spontaneous anal is risky af.

Jane

This guy I was seeing came over high on NyQuil and then had a nosebleed all over me during some seriously sleepy sex.

Molly

I was riding my boyfriend and it was really intense, so intense I got the worst a cramp that I have ever experienced in my right thigh. So I literally LEPT THE FUCK OFF the dick and had to do laps around the room naked. I was shouting “cramp cramp cramp” but he was just lying there looking completely baffed with his hands still out as if they were on me. Not my finest moment.

Lauren

There was this guy i’d been trying to have sex with for literally weeks and I finally get him back to my house and it’s all going well, then I go to get on top and I’m like “why aren’t you wearing a condom”. I wasn’t on birth control so obviously I was panicked and quite annoyed, I automatically assumed he’d taken it off.

But he says “no I’m wearing one” and the wrapper is on my bedside table. We couldn’t find it and just assumed it had come off. He puts another on and whatever – I wake up the next morning and I’m like I should find this before my mom does. I stripped my bed and tore the room apart but it’s still not there. I go for dinner my sister’s birthday and text one of the girls about it and she says “omg it’s like Love, Rosie.”

I then clock the condom is literally stuck in me and I have to basically give birth to a used condom on my bathroom floor.

Chloe

My boyfriend was going down on me and was really getting into it. My legs were up in the air and he was moving me around so loads of air was getting stuck up there. It was so good that I ended up losing all control and did the biggest queef right in his face. I think I just pretended it never happened. What else are you supposed to do?! Awful.

Claudia

I once broke someone’s dick. I was really drunk and I dunno, I must have sat really heavily on it. All of a sudden there was just this ominous popping sound. He was weirdly calm – must have been the shock – and just asked me to get him a tissue. There was a lot of blood and he had to leave to go to hospital. I don’t even know how I did it! But he was in a LOT of pain. Safe to say it ruined the mood and any chance of a relationship.

Louise (this one is the worst I swear)

So I was having sex with this guy I really liked, and we were drunk (obviously) and it was dark (obviously). It was all going fine until he started complaining about his dick hurting and asked to stop. Obviously I obliged and turned on the light and it was like a horror movie. Both of us were completely covered in blood. He realised in horror that, in our haste, he’d got his dick caught in the zip of his jeans and had been too drunk to notice. I still wince thinking about it.

@rosielanners