Literally just a list of animal cartoon characters it’s OK to be sexually attracted to

I’m not the first person to say how ridiculous it is that everyone is suddenly freaking out over the first exclusively gay Disney moment in the new Beauty and the Beast movie. It is, after all, a fucking movie about beastiality where a lovely peasant girl falls in love with a giant wolf buffalo. Of course it’s ridiculous.

It also makes you realise how weird the premise of Beauty and the Beast is. You probably didn’t realise this when you watched the original film, and this was because a) you were a child and b) you thought the Beast was hot. It fell into the weird category of “animated animals in films that you were strangely sexually attracted to and didn’t talk about but it was kind of formative and eye-opening so it was OK”. Here are the others who fall into that category.

OK so obviously the Beast from the original Beauty and the Beast

Without the hella realism from the new version, it was definitely alright to fancy the Beast. He comfortably straddled the divide between dangerous and cute that tiny-child you didn’t know you wanted yet. Also it was harder to tell what kind of animal he was so it was easier to think that he was human-ish. The new film makes it clear he’s a gross buffalo and fuck that.

Teenage Simba

Put the words “teenage Simba” into Twitter and you’re immediately inundated with lecherous tweets like “lowkey a freak for teenage Simba” “teenage Simba was my sexual awakening” and “I’m sorry but objectively teenage Simba was a hot piece of lion ass”. This proves two things: we all lusted over rugged grungy teenage Simba at one point, and every day we move further and further away from God’s light.

Puss in Boots

A n t o n i o  B a n d e r a s.

That one tiger from Zootopia

This one tiger from Zootopia, the film that threatened to turn honest, hardworking, moral normies into vile furries, caused such an internet stir that there were articles written about him and he even became a legitimate meme where he’s referred to as a “swole ass tiger who would treat me right and my family would love him”. So there’s that.

Idris Elba in Zootopia

OK, maybe it is just because he’s voiced by Idris Elba, but this guy can command a room and I would let him put me on meter maid duty any time. Also the creators of the new Beauty and the Beast should take note that this is how you create an animated sexually attractive buffalo for fuck’s sake.

Robin Hood

He was a fox in more ways than one.

Optimus Prime

Alright, is Optimus Prime technically speaking an animated animal? No. But is he thicc? YES.

Kovu

Teenage Simba gets most of the Lion King 2 attention but this is wrong because it should go to Scar’s hot conflicted bad boy son Kovu. Kovu is a tortured soul. Kovu needs someone to understand him. Who says that, strictly speaking, needs to be another lion? Oh the laws of nature yeah big whoop.

Sully

Sully would just – *clenches fist* – cuddle you so fucking hard.

Thomas O’Malley

He could sing, he was seductive, he was from the wrong side of the tracks, their love was forbidden. It has all the makings of a romantic drama for the ages. Also Thomas cares for those kitten and they aren’t even his what a stand up guy.

Scar

If you were the kid who fancied Scar over teenage Simba or Mufasa as a kid you were lowkey into bad boys before you even realised it. You were setting yourself up for a lifetime of excitement and pain and 3am “you up?? just killed my brother lol” calls from fuckboys, my friend.

Fantastic Mr Fox

Much like Robin Hood, Mr Fox is a rebel, a renegade criminal who cannot be tamed. He does what he wants, when he wants. At one point he commits a robbery wearing a balaclava. He’s voiced by George Clooney. What more could you possibly need?

The Tramp

Like Thomas O’Malley and most rom-coms you’ve ever watched, he was a wrongun, he was from the opposite side of the tracks, but he was wiley, he knew what he wanted, he went for it. He started a beautiful family with Lady. I both love and support their relationship and also really like when he does that knowing eyebrow thing.

Goofy’s teenage son

Goofy must have married a really hot animal-woman to have Max because he’s a slack jawed yokel but his son is 90’s Boy Meets World hot. Fittingly, his hot girlfriend looks a bit like Topanga.

Moto Moto

Moto Moto is thicc and he knows it. He also got an ass that doesn’t quit.

Oscar from A Shark Tale

Mostly because Oscar was voiced by Will Smith, looked a little bit like Will Smith, and Will Smith is relatively fit. I’d let him wash my car is what I am saying here.

@rosielanners