Who’s the biggest fuckboy on Friends? A definitive, scientific ranking
How you doin
Friends gets a lot of retrospective criticism for being unrealistic: the rent controlled apartment, the fact never of them went to work ever, the total and complete lack of any people of colour in their lives, I could go on. But in one respect it was incredibly realistic: it began as a show about a group of friends in their twenties, and they encountered a huge amount of fuckboys along the way.
But who was the worst one? Well I’m glad you asked!
Joey is the obvious fuckboy choice – the catchphrase, the fake name he gave to women (Ken Adams), the fact that once he thought he’d slept with a girl and she’d forgotten only to found out he’d actually slept with her roommate and forgotten. But there’s a lot in Joey’s favour: he treats his army of Italian female relatives with the utmost respect, he stands up fiercely for his friend (and has never had meaningless sex with them at least), and even if he is promiscuous he at least practices safe sex if the time he freaked out over condoms’ 97 per cent effectiveness is anything to go by.
Poor old Chandler, right? WRONG. Chandler, at least in the first few seasons, was the epitome of the “oh poor him” fuckboy, the guy who gets away with doing shitty things because he’s just a bit pathetic and funny so everyone lets him off with it. He treated his early girlfriends like shit even though he clearly liked them on some level. Case in point: Janice. He literally few to 15 Yemen Road, Yemen, to get away from a woman who wanted love and commitment honestly Chandler what the fuck.
OK, there are so many examples for speed’s sake I’ll just list them: the time he got angry at his infant son for playing with a Barbie as if it would somehow infect him with gay, completely forgot about Ben as soon as Emma appeared, SAID THE WRONG NAME AT ONE OF HIS THREE WEDDINGS, lied about seeking an annulment, spell-checked Rachel’s love letter, did not read Rachel’s love letter, cheated on Rachel they definitely weren’t on a break. Tried to have sex with his own cousin.
Tried to have sex with his own cousin.
She does not like you move on. Just stop. Stop it’s weird move on.
Alright, arguably Barry was fucked over here – Rachel literally ditched him at the altar in the first ever episode. But before you feel too sorry for him, consider this: he was having an affair with Mindy, Rachel’s best friend and Maid of Honor. He later cheated on Mindy with Rachel and another one so hair plugs or no hair plugs, he was awful.
No, you know what, they were too loud, and Mr Heckles was completely justified in complaining. May he rest in peace.
Hard to tell, initially, whether Paolo is a fuckboy because he doesn’t speak much English. But then again you don’t need much English to make an ill-advised pass at your girlfriend’s best friend while she’s giving you a massage.
WHY DIDN’T YOU JUST BRING HER TO MINSK DAVID? WHY DID YOU WAIT NINE YEARS?
David is every guy who sneaks back into your life as soon as you move on to someone much lovelier who looks way more like Paul Rudd. It’s too late, David.
Despite any of the life changing romance of their relationship, you have to admit it’s weird that Richard is t w e n t y o n e years older than Monica. And despite anything else, interfering with her engagement to Chandler and suddenly changing his mind on kids years later is a dick move. Bit of a David move to be honest.
Rachel dumps Tag, in all fairness. True, she decided he was immature and she needed something more, but that wasn’t, technically speaking, Tag’s fault. He was 24 and their relationship was based only on the fact that he had a cute butt. It was so shallow she didn’t even find out his last name (it’s Jones), instead thinking he had a mono-title like Cher or Prince. In fact, the more I think about it, Rachel was the fuckboy in this situation.
No. Mike was lovely. Nope.
Frank Buffay Snr
Frank Buffay Snr, let’s remember, not only walked out on Phoebe’s suicidal drug addicted mother while she was raising infant twins, he then remarried, had Frank Jnr with his second wife and did it again. In his defence, he didn’t realise her mother had died and reappeared in her life in a doomed attempt to make amends, but in a recurring theme he was much too late and Phoebe decided she wasn’t ready to have him in her life.
Which is probably for the best because he seems like a massive dick and also he looks like the terrifying painting that comes alive in Ghostbusters.
Frank Buffay Jnr
He melts things, was arrested for stealing birds and tried to have sex with one of the women at Phoebe’s massage parlour because he thought she was a prostitute, he tried to give away one of his triplets to Phoebe. There’s that. But case for the defence: Frank’s had a hard old life, and he stuck with Alice from the age of 18, despite the fact that she’s 44. That’s sweet really, in a strange way.
I don’t really wanna make fun of Fun Bobby because even though he became Ridiculously Dull Bobby his grandfather died and he struggled with alcoholism and he probably had a lot going on, OK?
Ugly Naked Guy
Arguably there was some weird voyeurism at play in the fact that he constantly appeared at his window bollock naked, but you know what, no, he did his own thing. He loved his body despite the constant shaming, and if I was living in a huge apartment in Manhattan and paying for that, fuck it, I’d probably walk around naked all of the time too. You do you, Ugly Naked Guy. Shine on you crazy diamond.
He shot a fucking bird. HE SHOT A FUCKING BIRD, GUYS.
Dr Leonard Green is just an angry, angry man. He hates Ross, he hates smoking (but he smokes), he hates all of his other daughters except Rachel. It’s never a good sign when your mum says this about your dad: “You didn’t marry your Barry, honey, but I married mine.” Depressing.
Mark knew what he was doing when he offered Rachel that job, Mark knew what he was doing when he came over the night Ross and Rachel had their fight, Mark was always there, watching, like an emotional leech. He was not a very good friend. He did find her that job in Paris though…
Eddie was literally terrifying. That is all.
In spite of initial appearances – he takes over Rachel’s office, he might be trying to take her job for good, he tries to shake hands with her baby, he signs her birthday card “from Gavin.” – Gavin was secretly the anti-fuckboy. He could have been great with Rachel, but after they kiss on the balcony he realises quickly she has a complicated, ongoing relationship with Ross and respectfully bows out of the race for her affections. Which is very mature, uncomplicated, straightforward and reserved. Very Gavin of him.
If Parker was a fuckboy, he was the best fuckboy there was! There was no better fuckboy! He was the best of all time! God what a fantastic fuckboy he could have been!
Theory: Paul was actually a lovely, patient, understanding man with a lot of money, and he would have been the best match for Monica if she’d just managed to get over the Ultimate Fighting Champion thing (what’s your problem with UFC Monica you judgemental bitch). Monica made a mistake by breaking up with Pete. Pete was the Ultimate Anti Fuckboy and their children would have been rich and beautiful.
The manly routine in front of the mirror, the distant relationship to his daughter, the endless floods of tears – I’m not sure if Paul was really a fuckboy, but he was, it’s certain, a strange and deeply sinister man, which is bad enough tbh.
Cons: He threatened to make the girls homeless (they are illegally subletting that apartment though), and he made Rachel cry.
Pros: He’s an excellent ballroom dancer.
On the one hand: we all change after high school. Regardless of how bitchy Rachel might have been (and it sounds like she was pretty bitchy) Will really should have moved on and accepted it and maybe not taken the opportunity to ruin Thanksgiving by bringing it all up. On the other hand: if I met girls who were bitchy to me at school now, I’d probably do exactly the same thing, so maybe his actions were justified.
So in conclusion, not a fuckboy to Rachel in Friends, but a massive fuckboy to Jennifer Aniston in real life.
Danny was the guy who lived in Rachel and Monica’s building, remember? No? He was the guy who came back from travelling and had that big beard? No?
OK he was the guy who was definitely, 100%, fucking his sister. Yep. That guy.