So apparently crocs are back in fashion, because the world is a cold, cruel, hateful place

There are certain things which should just be left in the past. Things which when you were younger, you didn’t know any better than to enjoy, but which now make you wish you were not alive. Things like putting concealer on your lips, or drinking Monster Energy cans in a skate park, or bad ex-boyfriends. And crocs. Crocs should be consigned to our collectively humiliating past.

But because the world is a cold, hard, cruel place which tests all of us, crocs are back. Great!

There first rumblings of a the return that nobody asked for (why can Crocs come back but nobody has the balls to do a Freaks and Geeks reunion? lmk) happened all the way back in 2015, when shares in the company mysteriously skyrocketed 15 per cent. They finished the year up 20 per cent, and I want to know why and who did that so I can punch that person in the face.

Financially, Crocs’ performance was at the highest it had been since 2006. At the time a smug analyst said: “based on our industry checks, the Crocs brand still holds value, and retailers are going to meaningfully step up their orders on the new product.” But things were set to get even worse.

Last year Christopher Kane got involved. His Spring/Summer 2017 collection shown last year included literally bedazzled crocs. Speaking at the time on the marbled, sparkly, rubber disaster, the designer told Vogue: “I always work with unexpected items and combinations, transforming the everyday into desirable luxury. I wanted to bring my own stamp and DNA to Crocs’ classic clog shoe and achieve something really special.

“The marble print feels very earthy and I often think of Crocs in a very grounded way, worn with either an evening dress or with jeans, and adding the rock crystals brings a bit of luxury to this everyday style. Crocs are arguably the most comfortable shoe, I love that they are slightly awkward and might be perceived by some as ‘ugly’. They have a very naïve and childlike shape which I especially like when they look extra clunky on the foot.”

But look, 2016 was a weird time for fashion. It was a time when we lived like bardot tops and chokers were never gonna stop being cool. We were weak back then. Maybe it will pass, we thought. But nope. Not content with putting crocs on a high fashion runway and revelling in the ability to talk about them as an “earthy”, “naive and childlike” shoe presumably while completely straight faced, Christopher Kane brought them back again.

His most recent collection, showcased at London Fashion Week this week, features furry crocs. Literally crocs with a fucking fur trim around the end. Crocs that look like they sprung from the mind of Ron Swanson. Crocs that show that the finance and high fashion world will not give up on their sinister plot to bring these ugly rubbery monstrosities and soon we’ll all have to wear them. Why is Christopher Kane doing this to us? Does he have some sort of grudge? Is this because everyone hated that fucking Topshop collab from 2009? Because I’m sorry Christopher. We’re all sorry. We don’t deserve to be treated like this.

I’m not being overdramatic here, but I think this might be the worst thing about 2017 so far. Worse than Donald Trump’s inauguration, worse than the end of that £1 Boots meal deal you get on a Monday if you’re on O2. The human race can collectively put up with a lot of shit, but I don’t think even the most resilient of us can put up with a crocs renaissance. And I don’t wanna live in a world where we just accept this.

Seriously, fuck Crocs.

@rosielanners