‘Wannabe chavs’ and ‘gym rats’: What your trainers say about you, by the Daily Mail

“I have had somewhat of an epiphany; a staggering revelation in the footwear department, no less. I have discovered trainers”, proclaimed Etiquette Expert William Hanson in an article for The Daily Mail.

And lucky for us normal folk, he says it’s not just the old riff-raff that can wear the “fashion leisure shoe”, because “lo and behold, they can be worn by the well-heeled, too.” Phew!

The middle class man who calls people chavs wrote 1,000 words on his experience of breaking into the trainer world. He tells us: “I anxiously slipped my virgin wool-clad foot into the trainer. I felt like Cinderella if she’d been inadvertently written into an episode of Shameless.”

Can you cook rustic beef Wellington for 12 in trainers? I’m sure he’ll let us know.

The article then goes onto explain what your choice of trainers say about you. He categories them by the main trainer brands, with how he perceives them. Here’s how it goes:

Adidas – ‘Wannabe chav’

One of the most consistently popular trainer brands, the only problem with Adidas trainers is that certain styles are so popular they can be criticized for being basic. But according to William Hanson, if you wear Adidas trainers, you’re a “wannabe chav.”

Oops better throw these away I’m so embarrassed!!

Ellesse – ‘Stop trying to make Ellesse happen. It’s not going to happen’

Considering their huge amount of celebrity ambassadors and the fact they’re sold and sell out of most high street fashion stores, it seems that Ellesse might have gone and happened.

Converse – ‘Sheep’

Consistently popular, reasonably priced, worn and loved by almost every type of person – Converse have been a constant footwear staple in everyone’s wardrobe. Not many would see this as a negative, but apparently this makes us Converse wearers big old sheep. God, better throw them away now then before my mum thinks I’m copying her.

Fred Perry – ‘Chav’

Ok fine, I can’t tell you that Fred Perry are the epitome of footwear fashion, but according to William Hanson if you wear them you must be a “chav.” Guess I’ll die!

Nike – ‘Gym rat’

Who are theses 25 people buying a pair of nike’s every second? Sure, they might make three times what Adidas do in a year just from shoes but why would you want a bubble in your shoe when you just end up looking like a rat, and not just any old rat, a gym rat. They are the worst kind.

But you can’t wear tights to the gym?

Lonsdale – ‘You need to stop shopping in Sports Direct’

I’m with you here William, I preferred the pencil cases too.

Polo Ralph Lauren – ‘Scouse’

Again, Ralph Lauren aren’t mainly known for their trainers, so it’s hard to say there’s a Ralph Lauren trainer-wearer stereotype. But according to the Etiquette Expert, if you wear them then you must be from Liverpool.

Puma – ‘Little personality’

Will somebody tell Rihanna and Kylie that they’re wasting their time with their Puma collabs, make sure Urban Outfitters pull every single Fenty from their shelves and for the love of god will someone tell their 1.48m Twitter fans to immediately unfollow. According to William, wearing Puma means you have little personality.

New Balance – ‘Luvvie’

Wait, I don’t get this one. But to be fair, people actually are burning their New Balance anyway so do what you want.

Reebok – ‘What is this? 1995?’

Reebok Classics were big in 1995, but they’re also pretty big now. Once named the most popular shoe for burglars to wear, the Reebok Classic is sold in almost every trainer store with celebrity collaborations from Alicia Keys, Kendrick Lamar, 50 Cent, Jay-Z, Travi$ Scott and Kid Ink. But wait – forget everything you’ve heard, because if you’re wearing Reeboks you must be confused about what year we’re in. Silly us!

TAKE THOSE OFF IT ISN’T 1995

He rounds off the article by informing us where you can and cannot wear fashion leisure shoes. Looks like your weekend plans are ruined, because apparently you can’t wear trainers to afternoon tea,  a meeting where the people have letters after their name or even to a concert hall. Trainers to dinner at a private house or restaurant should be avoided at all costs, but he says it’s fine to wear them to a concert (only if you’re in the standing area), to the supermarket or if you’re taking the bins out.

So that settles it. Throw away your NMDs, burn your black high-top Converse and don’t even think about buying Ralph Lauren trainers if you’re not from Liverpool, because the Etiquette Expert has spoken.