Sorry BuzzFeed, but no one has grown up thinking big feet are now ‘super hot’

Lies


On their Snapchat today, BuzzFeed listed a number of traits that you were ‘teased for’ when you were younger, that are now ‘super hot’.

Sandwiched between respectable suggestions, like glasses, freckles, and redheads are wholly incorrect ‘things’ that are definitely not ‘hot’, such as being covered in dog hair, wonky teeth, driving a ‘crappy car’ and big feet.

I’m relatively sure you’re not going to be attracted to someone who is wearing their Golden Retriever and drives a Ford KA. Nor are you going to want to neck someone who tells you they have size seven feet after you’ve found out where they work and where they come from.

So for everyone who hasn’t been blessed with small feet (sizes three to six), here are the things you’ll only understand if you’ve got big trotters.

Wrong

You’re genuinely embarrassed when you tell people your shoe size

Whether it be sales assistants, your friends or even when you select a size on ASOS, you can’t help but cringe when you reveal the size of your feet. You awkwardly laugh when you say “seven/eight/nine/ten” and try and briskly move the conversation on. However…

People always say ‘but you don’t look like you’ve got big feet?!’

Horrified, the person you’re talking to will stare at you in bewilderment that you – yes you – could possibly have such ginormous feet. Not believing you, they’ll either continually say “really!?” until you show them the size on the bottom of your shoe, or continue laughing. Both suck.

Getting plastic surgery has crossed your mind more than once

Can you get plastic surgery for your feet? Is this a thing? If it’s not, it should be.

You are envious of people with size four or five feet

These kind of people are the worst. Where you have spent £80 on a new pair of trainers, they’ve got the exact same ones for a quarter of the price because they fit in the junior section. They can even wear red shoes without looking like a clown – there is no boundary for them.

On holiday, they’re the one thing you hate the most

Who cares if you’re flat-chested, have a little bit of cellulite or have a food baby, you don’t have a flippers for feet and a little toe the size of a Wotsit on show 24/7 through flip flops and sandals

Like flippers

There’s a bond between you and other people with big feet

Like being reunited with a friend you haven’t seen in years, finding out someone has the same size feet is the start of an unbreakable bond. You’ve been through the same traumas, you’ve had the same cringey moments, you both eye roll when someone with a smaller size says they hate their feet – this is an exclusive sub-section to the sisterhood.

You probably never get a pedicure

You find it embarrassing enough having to stare at your own feet whilst painting your toe-nails, so there’s no way you’d make someone else do it, let alone wash and massage them. And if you do get them done because you’re feeling rogue, you instantly regret it when you look into the eyes of the poor beautician who is mulling over the mammoth task ahead of them to make your feet look better – but at the end of the day, you can’t polish a turd.

Your feet grew at the same rate as your primary school years

Year 3 with size three feet was a happy time, wasn’t it.

You’re probably the only one in your friendship group with feet that size

Three of the gals are a size four, two are a five, the other two are a six. Desperate to be in the six gang, you’ll repeatedly squeeze your foot into your friend’s heels hoping that this time, like Cinderella, they’ll magically fit. You’ll waddle around claiming they’re “a little tight”, but you’re adamant you’ll wear them. You eventually lose all circulation into your feet, resulting in you having even bigger, swollen trotters.

Certain heels make you feel like a drag queen

Stilettos, court shoes, platforms and this season’s new fave, kitten heels – they’re all off limits.

You know there are secret fellow big trotters out there

If you’ve admitted to having big feet, one positive people tell you is, “well at least it must be handy when the sales are on”. Wrong, the selection is always thin meaning someone’s either buying all the Topshop size seven and eights, or there are hidden fellow big foots too ashamed to reveal their true identity.

When you find shoes that make your feet look small, you feel blessed

You don’t know what this witchcraft is, or how you’ve gone from looking like a size nine to a four, but you lap it up. You’ll make sure that everyone is aware of your teeny-tiny looking feet.