The definitive ranking of awful Made in Chelsea men

‘You fed him marshmallows Binks’


It’s hard to keep up with the ins and outs of every Made In Chelsea relationship. Of who fucked over who, who got cheated on, who was in love with someone else for all of five minutes. Despite coming across at first as the perfect English gentlemen, it’s fair to say that the MIC boys have made some fuckboy-esque mistakes. Which is the worst of all though?

Ollie Locke

Nowadays, Ollie Locke is quite nice (tearful boyfriend dumped for no reason aside), but let’s not forget that Ollie Locke was once such a huge fuckboy that his girlfriend made this revenge video about him including a really terrifying Ollie Locke lookalike.

Francis Boulle

I dunno about you, but in my time I’ve heard some creative rejections from mean boys. But none have reached the callous creative height of Francis Boulle parring off Toff by pretending he had to go back to Ghana to literally mine diamonds and write a novel, and not melting when her lovely earnest little face asked how much flights to Ghana were and whether you could get them direct from Heathrow.

Also, he literally mines for diamonds, which is only a real job for Daniel Day Lewis period films and Disney villains. Beside “creative who works at a start up” it’s basically the most fuckboy job someone can have.

Francis compounded his fuckboy status by seeing Olivia Bentley right after rejecting Toff, and then rejecting Olivia, and then getting angry when she moved on to date Icelandic demi-god Fredrik instead – all components of the fuckboy formula of only wanting something you can’t have. What happened to him? He used to be so sweet and goofy and harmless. Remember that time he gave Caggie a flower and said: “This is for you, a rose for a rose”?

Maybe there’s still hope that he can go back to the sweet boy he once was.

Fredrik Ferrier

Has awful hair but seems OK to be honest.

fredrik_ferrier

Mark-Francis Vandelli

Let’s be clear: Mark Francis has too much class to be considered your garden variety fuckboy. Mark Francis just hates everyone.

470_2636157

Jamie Laing

Jamie is the guy who gets really intense with you in like two dates and starts sending flowers to your work and calling you “awesome” and “totally chill” and putting up Instagrams of you two in polaroids with a cringe inside joke in the caption and too many hashtags. You sort of half enjoy it but the other half of you is saying “be careful this won’t last long” and then eureka! Before you know it he’s cheated on you on a skiing trip. Why, Jamie?

article-2134185-12bbf793000005dc-50_634x362

Oliver Proudlock

You know every fuckboy who tries to fuck you over by getting you to open up and telling you that you’re too “guarded”. And rationally you’re like, this is way too personal and a bit of a veiled insult and probably a ploy, but you end up opening up and getting fucked over anyway?

OK, think of that, and then watch Proudlock in action on a date with Lucy.

Richard Dinan

OK, so a lot of men are on this list because they somehow fucked over Toff. But Richard Dinan’s experience was particularly chilly. Remember, when he took her on a date to his work and then told her “we are not compatible” over text, which is basically the posh fuckboy way of saying “you’re stupid”.

Also, half my friends have seen him on Tinder and he hasn’t matched with any of them. What the fuck is your problem Richard?

ollie-locke-ricahrd-dinan-made-in-chelsea-2

Alex Mytton

Even if you can forgive him for what he did to lovely, lovely Binky – and you shouldn’t because it was awful and he deserved that slap when she found out about his orgy – he dumped Nicola, the Irish beauty who supposedly changed him by text. By text.

HE DUMPED HER BY TEXT WHILE ON HOLIDAY.

is-it-all-over-just-how-much-trouble-is-mics-alex-mytton-in-now-nicola-has-seen-those-sneaky-texts-136402100475203901-151123225148

Sam Thompson

Obviously affable, lovely Sam, the foil to his morose tearful sister Louise, has a lot going for him. He’s fun and cheerful and he stayed with Tiff even though it was not just a kiss in Hong Kong. But he also sat her down in the South of France once they’d come through that whole crisis and said he thought he was just, you know, a bit too young to settle down with Tiff, and oh my god how annoying it was that they’d met each other and fallen in love so young, because now he couldn’t be a bachelor.

Who. Does. That.

2e0d316800000578-3300988-image-m-25_1446504492477

JP

I could write about how much of a fuckboy JP is, but then this sums it up better than I ever could:

Ryan Libbey

All of his terrifying expressions when having a conversation with someone he is supposedly in love with indicate that there might be something crucially amiss with Ryan.

Akin

He hasn’t done anything particularly villainous just yet, but then again he says like one word an episode so maybe he’s a fuckboy in disguise.

5e9694d757fd989a54a892ceffba1509

Julius Cowdrey

Lovely, beautiful, musical, marshmallow-eating Julius. There is nothing bad to say about Julius. Julius would play you meloncholy songs on his keyboard and look deep into your eyes and bring champagne on your picnics. He would sweep his lucious hair over to the side and leave you to your awful relationship with JP just because he’s that kind of gentleman.

I like Julius OK.

IT'S LIKE LOOKING AT THE SUN
IT’S LIKE LOOKING AT THE SUN

Alik Alfus

Wah, I live in New York. Wahh, I love you Louise. Wahhh it’s been too long Louise but I bought you this ring but you’re a cliche but also love me. Blah blah blah. Maybe stop feeling sorry for yourself and let her ruin her own life with her awful personal trainer boyfriend Alik.

Your leather jacket is stupid.

284f71e600000578-3067894-image-a-43_1430774923336

Harney

Made crude jokes in a failed attempt to woo Stephanie Pratt, has a stupid name, friends (presumably by choice) with JP, the intense veiny awful boyfriend whose still with Binky for some reason.

All bad things for Harney.

2dd091c000000578-3290924-the_handyman_harney_wasn_t_much_more_subtle_offering_his_service-a-8_1445974767394

Spencer Matthews

Oh Spencer. Spencer, Spencer, Spencer. Is there even a need to explain why Spencer Matthews is a fuckboy. There’s nothing I could say that these women could not say (through tears) better: Lauren Frazer-Hutton, Lucy Watson, Louise Thompson, Caggie Dunlop, Binky Felstead, Kimberley Garner, Sophie Lily-Collins, Emma Miller, Stephanie Pratt … and, of course, Funda.

Go stand and look dolefully out across the Thames and think about what you’ve done.

29a6113400000578-3125484-image-m-72_1434404174487

Josh Shepherd

Spent most of his relationship with Steph looking at her so intensely it was impossible to tell whether he was in love with her or wanted to consume her flesh. You know, one of those guys.

233f2b8600000578-0-new_love_despite_stevie_s_apparent_reservations_josh_told_stepha-85_1416493852065

Andy Jordan

Lovely Andy. He’s not much of a fuckboy, lovely Andy. He was so friendly and charming and in love with the Louise that the only thing which goes against him is the guitar playing. I’m just saying, have you ever had a boy play you a song on an acoustic guitar and not looked him in the eye between chords and thought “one day you will betray me”. No? Just me then.

article-2343503-1a5f1e95000005dc-52_634x371

Stevie Johnson

Guys, I really miss Stevie. Stevie was lovely. Stevie should come back.

maxresdefault

Lonan

Personal trainer: check. Wears tank tops: Check. Has a stupid name: Check.

Ah, the fuckboy golden triangle.

2b26901300000578-3187133-mr-a-31_1438880607581

Fordy

Case for the defence: He didn’t do actually anything particular fuckboyish. That I can admit, but only because he was on the show for all of five minutes. And he wore this weird zip-up jumper and he looks like he works in a Spoons. But yeah, compared to the other hellish men on the show, Fordy comes out reasonably well.

His name is Fordy though, so surely points deducted for that.

Sam Cussins

Don’t ever trust a man who’s this good at cricket.

article-2218267-15851d28000005dc-960_634x361

Hugo Taylor

Of all the fuckboys on this list, Hugo potentially has the best showdown scene, when Millie Mackintosh raised “a toast to Rosie for hooking up with Hugo Taylor when we were together and lying about it”. Hell hath no fury.

To be fair though, they are back together now. Sorry Professor Green.

screen-shot-2012-02-02-at-18-48-41-e1328208583388-695x400

Will Colebrook

Look Will, Binky doesn’t want to go out with you OK. Accept this, man up and move on. Definitely do not sulk. Binky does not owe you anything, and that’s why she is still on the show, Will Colebrook, and you are not.

gallery_mic82-will-training

George Amor

AKA: “The closest MIC ever got to a full-on Patrick Bateman character was George Amor, the steely-jawed polo player who looks like he’d happily choke the life out of you with his bare hands.”

ja

Related stories recommended by this writer:

Where are the irrelevant Made in Chelsea cast now?

These are the fancy private schools the Made in Chelsea cast went to

• This is what the iconic Made in Chelsea cast members are up to now