Fool! The clubbers of the week party as they please

Dance with them! Dance the dance of life!

Where have all the good men gone? Where are all the gods? Where’s the streetwise Hercules to fight the rising odds?

In 2016, you might think there aren’t many heroes left. You’d be wrong. The real champions nowadays are the clubbers, those who ride out every Friday and Saturday evening on a trusty steed of vodka-and-coke to vanquish boredom on a battlefield bathed in neon lights.

Yes, these are the best clubbers in the UK this week. Excelsior!

Best Jonathan Ross lookalike of the week

Gosh, he really does cut loose, doesn’t he?

You know what I hate more than clubbing?

Club photographers you fucking fuck

This is probably in Coventry or somewhere equally bumout

Who else fights over an Arctic Monkeys album

This bear has killed before and will kill again

Oh, the atrocities those hollow eyes have seen

Alas and alack! The camera flash blinds my eyes!

This wizard has found my one weakness

Oh this bitch thinks she can steal my podium does she?

We’ll see about that love

A pictorial representation of my love life

The guy in the middle is my bad life choices

Don’t talk to me or my sister ever again

We’re fine without you

Crime, officer? We haven’t heard anything about a crime

Nothing to see here, nothing at all

This guy really missed the whole ‘He for She’ thing

She’s a UN Goodwill Ambassador, for Christ’s sake

Me every Saturday morning:

But seriously does anyone know