How to bullshit to your friends that you’re cultured

I’ve never read 1984. Never read it. Not one page. But I tell people I have, obviously. It’s a collective secret that when you’re trying to impress someone you pretend to have read and watched the classics, just to have something to say, just to avoid cringing when someone shouts incredulously, loud enough for the whole group to hear: “What do you mean you haven’t seen Fight Club?”

To function in society, sometimes you have to tell lies about how cultured are. Sometimes you have to bullshit to survive/not be thought of as some sort of idiot just because you loved The Money Pitt but you fucking hated The Godfather. In fact over half of us – 60 per cent – lie about what we read and watch to appear more intelligent. How awful. Here’s how to do it.

Fight Club

The Sparknotes summary: The anonymous narrator of Fight Club is a bored insomniac sick of his job and bored with his unfulfilling life. He meets Tyler Durden, a charismatic mysterious figure with whom he forms the widely successful Fight Club –  which you’re not supposed to talk about. Fight Club gets bigger and bigger and becomes Project Mayhem, which basically includes a lot of havoc and blowing up buildings. Eventually the narrator gets worried about this and also a bit worried about him and Tyler being the same person (he’s realised he has multiple personality disorder). So he shoots himself, killing “Tyler” and waking up in a mental hospital. Also he has a girlfriend called Marla Singer.

Should you actually watch or read it: At this point everyone knows the twist (THE NARRATOR IS TYLER DURDEN YOU IDIOT) so you could get away with avoiding it for the rest of your life. For this reason, probably skip the book. But the film has Helena Bonham Carter looking incredibly stylish and lots of Brad Pitt topless yelling at people and topless fighting, so aesthetically it’s good and worth giving up a few hours for, yeah.

What you should say to people to pretend you’ve watched or read it: “I mean yeah I know you’re not supposed to talk about Fight Club, ha ha ha. But honestly, have you ever consumed – operative word there – a greater critique of modern consumerism? Like, honestly.”

Say that and then sit back and watch them nod sagely and do not under any circumstances say “how fit is Brad Pitt though”.

1984

The Sparknotes summary: A man called Winston lives in a totalitarian world called Oceania and works at the Ministry of Truth. It’s all a bit shit and he hates it so he starts a journal about how much he hates it (even though this could get him executed). He falls in love with a woman from work – the Fiction Department – called Julia and joins a vigilante Brotherhood and gets arrested by the thought police and tortured for his resistance, including being sent to Room 101 which is filled with rats. Eventually he’s released and he likes the Party again. No really, that’s the ending. Grim.

Should you actually read it? It’s seriously gloomy, so unless you want to test out the theory that Orwell somehow predicted the rise and fall of Jeremy Corbyn, give it a miss. 2016 is bad enough.

What you should say to people to pretend you’ve read it: Something about Big Brother watching you? I haven’t read it though, so don’t quote me on that.

Trainspotting

The Sparknotes summary: A bunch of Glaswegian heroin addicts get into some hijinks which include a baby dying, someone getting AIDS and Ewan McGregor screwing his friends over on a drugs deal.

Should you actually watch or read it? As the sequel’s coming out and everyone’s going to be talking about it and buying those cringe posters again, probably.

What you should say to people to pretend you’ve watched or read it: [Just memorise this bit] Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players, and electrical tin can openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. Choose fixed-interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisure wear and matching luggage. Choose a three piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked-up brats you have spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life . . . But why would I want to do a thing like that? I chose not to choose life: I chose something else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you’ve got heroin?

Ulysses

The Sparknotes summary: A man called Stephen Dedalus wanders around Dublin for a day and literally n o t h i n g happens.

Should you actually read it? Nah, it will just give you a migraine.

What you should say to people to pretend you’ve read it: I mean yeah it’s tough stuff to get through but his use of prose, man.

The Wire

The Sparknotes summary: It’s a pretty bleak but supposedly the most realistic portrayal of drugs in Baltimore to have ever been created. Its five seasons cover gangs, the shipyard (this one is shit), more gangs, the education system and the media in the city, and it’s known as the greatest TV series ever. Plus it’s Obama’s favourite show.

Should you actually watch it? Yes, set aside some hungover weekends to binge on it. It’s worth the hype.

What you should say to people to pretend you’ve watched it: Oh my god how sad was it when Omar died tho.

The Sopranos

The Sparknotes summary: James Gandolfini – may he rest in peace – is Tony Soprano, the head of a New Jersey crime family. Basically the whole series is him trying to balance his mafia boss role with his family role and sometimes he sees a psychiatrist. There are hijinks.

Should you actually watch it? If you really want to skip the main hours, this is the only put you actually need to see (which, tbh, is a bit of a cop out).

What you should say to people to pretend you’ve watched it: So wait, does he actually die at the end or what?

Moby Dick

The Sparknotes summary: Ishmael, the narrator, is a sailor who becomes involved in the whole sorry Moby Dick debacle after he meets this mysterious captain called Ahab who lost his leg in an encounter with the sperm whale. Ahab wants to kill the whale – I mean fair enough – so they all go after him even though the mission seems to be pretty much doomed. He gets a harpoon and kills a bunch of other whales and starts to go a bit mad. Anyway the whale sinks the ship and when Ahab eventually catches him he ends up getting swept to see with him. The whole thing is a bit “was it worth it hun?”

Should you actually read it? DH Lawrence called it the greatest book in the world, but no don’t bother it’s literally so boring.

What you should say to people to pretend you’ve read it: Did you know DH Lawrence called it the greatest book in the world?

Lolita

The Sparknotes summary: Humbert Humbert is a fit but totally creepy old pervert who justifies being a paedophile by saying he doesn’t fancy kids, he fancies “nymphets”. He thinks his landlord’s daughter is one of these and essentially kidnaps her, falls in love with her and takes her on a road trip across America. She eventually runs off with Clare Quilty, a famous playwright and also a pervert, and Humbert goes mad and shoots him before being arrested. Lolita marries someone else and dies giving birth.

Should you actually read it? It is pretty great, but you can gather almost the entire plot and aesthetic from a Lana Del Rey song, or any ‘aesthetic’ blog on Tumblr, or the film where Jeremy Irons plays Humbert and looks very handsome while doing so.

What you should say to people to pretend you’ve read it: