A collection of the weirdest sex tips Cosmopolitan has graced us with

Cosmopolitan is infamous for its sex tips. It has long been the women’s bible for sex and relationships, and was the main source of sex tips before the age of internet porn. Their advice ranges from the hilarious to the downright dangerous, with their endless lists of ambitious and impractical sex positions.

From acrobatically challenging positions to far-reaching metaphors, some of their advice is just weird. If you want to seriously mix things up in the bedroom, or just laugh at ridiculous handjob analogies, then enjoy.

‘Cup your hand around his member, creating a ‘bun’ around his ‘hot dog”

Would you like ketchup with that? We stopped using sausage innuendos when we were like 14, but go ahead, pleasure his hot dog if that’s what the sexperts say.

‘He holds your feet to one side of your head, playing you like the fine instrument that you are’

Obviously, a fine instrument is what every woman aspires to be. Bonus points to him if he hums cello music and looks meaningfully into the distance whilst in this position. It could actually be quite romantic.

Just fucking roll around in body paint

Try not to get flashbacks to freshers’ paint parties with this one. If your boyf is into Shakira then go with it. You’ll never be able to complain about period sex being messy ever again.

‘Nestle his dick in your armpit’

Armpits aren’t traditionally the sexiest part of the body, but at Cosmo anything goes. At least they admit that this one is pretty weird. Different strokes for different folks.

‘Apply firm pressure, like how you squeeze fruit’

I don’t think I’ve ever squeezed fruit with my teeth covered by my lips before, so this is a weird analogy.

‘Find yourself a slutty-looking yoga ball’

What makes a yoga ball slutty-looking? Where does one find a slutty-looking yoga ball? If it is even suggested that you could wear helmets, this position could probably go wrong quite quickly.

‘Squeeze the base of his penis like bending a hose in half to stop the flow of water’

This seems like a bit of an aggressive way to make him last longer. At least it specifies not to actually bend it.

Lap his penis like a yummy melting ice-cream cone

Hopefully it isn’t too vanilla.

Draw me like one of your French girls

It might be a bit of a turn-off when the drawing makes your nose look wonky and your face is a funny shape. He might have done art for GCSE but that doesn’t make him Jack from Titanic.

Rub your cheek in his pubes and get his scent on you

This gets a bit intense. Just rub your face in his pubes and whisper seductively, “I’m assessing your scent for clues on your genetic compatibility.” If Cosmo recommends it, it must be sexy though.

Put cookies on your boobs

To be fair, cookies do make everything better. I’d rather have them in my mouth than on my boobs though. Being covered in cookie crumbs doesn’t sound particularly comfortable either.

‘Take his penis between your open palms and, using your hands like ping pong paddles, very lightly bat it back and forth’

Like. Ping-pong. Paddles. Really? How can this not be funny? Put on some upbeat music and bat it back and forth to that. You could make it into a whole performance art piece.

‘Drizzle some honey between your legs’

This sounds sticky af. Who decided that honey would make you feel like you’re overflowing with womanhood? What does that even mean? Plus, this tip only works if your partner isn’t vegan.

Wear your favourite statement necklace like a loincloth

Your favourite necklace is for wearing on your neck. Just get a vajazzle, if that’s what you’re into.

Touch his penis like you’re wringing a towel dry

The rest of the advice was pretty descriptive without having to add the bit about wringing a towel dry. Most people squeeze very hard when they’re wringing a towel dry. In practice, you might need to adjust your towel wringing method.

‘Give feedback like a speaker at a punk show’

I’m sure it will be a real turn-on for your partner if you stop mid-sex to draw them a diagram of what you want. Of course communication is important, but this seems a bit over the top. Cosmo, what do you even mean by like a speaker at a punk show?

‘Lightly tap up and down his shaft with your fingers, like you’re playing a piano’

At least all those years learning the dance to “I am the music man” as a child at parties won’t go to waste! Cosmo use a lot of musical instrument analogies. Perhaps it’s supposed to sound romantic, but it just sounds a bit weird.

‘Stare longingly at one another across a room while Lana Del Rey sings mournfully in the distance’

This is the best foreplay ever if you’re getting with a bookworm. Pretend to be really deep and emotional as Lana Del Rey suggestively sings in the background, “Let me put on a show for you daddy.”

‘Rub your palms together as if you’re trying to start a fire’

Ah yes, how could I forget all the times I’ve rubbed my hands together and started a fire? Cosmo like to talk a lot about being animalistic, but this is a bit caveman.

‘You do not have to bow down before his erect penis like it’s a rising sun god’

Firstly, being on your knees doesn’t mean you’re worshipping his penis like it’s a sun god. Give head however you want. If anyone knows how many different positions there are then it’s Cosmo. But obviously don’t worship his dick like its a god. You’re not that great, hun.

@sophlwilson