Which drink is your uni?

Drinking is the centre point of uni. You’ve been 18 for a while, probably been on a gap year, and you think you know your alcohol. Every drink has its tribe of dedicated followers who simply won’t order anything else, and your uni is no different. Everyone wants to be a classy beverage, but drink too much of it and you’ll still be a wreck.

Aberdeen – Tropical VK

Sweet and fruity and ready for a good time. You can drink this at pretty much any time of day, much like the alcohol habits of the locals in the far reaches of Scotland.

Aberystwyth – Advocaat

What the fuck is that?

Aston – Just a pint of lager

As in, what you order at the Gosta after a game of five-a-side, before going back and changing into your checked shirt for another night at Snobs.

Bath – Snakebite and black

Bath is what the creators of the Inbetweeners would imagine university to be like. Painfully standard people, a grey monotonous campus, a big Wednesday night. In this fantasy world, students only wear university hoodies, eat only beans and hang out at the union. But in 2016, this fantasy is a reality in just one place, Bath. Bath is a simple land and what’s more simple than a “cocktail” with the minimum possible ingredients?

Belfast – Buckfast

Made in Devon and usually associated with Scotland, Buckfast is actually the underrated lifeblood of Belfast, and like the good people of Queens, it can turn any occasion into a party resulting in the end of your relationship and a ruined house in Palestine Street. Pre-drinks in the Holylands? Buckfast. Skint? Sure you can just buy Buckfast. Celebration? Wee bit of Buckfast. Drowning your sorrows? There is literally nothing better than Buckfast. We love it so much we’ve tried to incorporate it into everything else we consume. Buckfast cocktail bars, sure! Buckfast chicken wings, why not! We are a proud, resourceful people and Buckfast is our uisce beatha.

Birmingham – Vodbulls

Just the right amount of fucked up to forget you live in Birmingham. The accents linger and stay with you, much like the hangover from too many vodka red bulls. You become jittery, agitated and bit angry – a bit like the locals in Selly. But you need all this energy for the mammoth journey home from the club.

Bristol – Red Stripe

You’ve been holding it all night. It glistens in the strobe lighting the same way Amelia’s nose ring does. It’s empty, vacuous, it’s all a pretense. But everyone wants to be cool enough to hold one. It’s just that when you do, it’s not fulfilling and everyone regrets their choices. The only thing keeping it going is the few crystals of MDMA floating in the bottom.

Brookes – Sourz

So many different types, all trying to be individual and not similar to the person next to them. Yet with this giant quest for individuality, one thing links them all together. Getting loose as fukc in the cheapest way possible, and having way more fun than their boring snotty neighbours.

Cambridge – A glass of Merlot

It’s sinister, the sort of drink you’d have if you’ve just killed someone. It’s a sign of older times, but it’s still a mark of superiority. Drinking a glass of merlot is like going to Cambridge itself – you’re not really enjoying it, it last far far too long, but at the end of everyone respects you for putting yourself through it.

Cardiff – Blue VKs

As Cardiff is the singular Welsh representative in the Russell Group, Blue is the singular VK worth drinking on a night out. It resembles a Caribbean lagoon and is only slightly less brackish. The SU sell them by the bucketload now too.

Durham – Champagne

Fun, bubbly, exciting. We’re much more fun at a drinks reception, or in a reasonably quiet bar than we are at the club, and we rock it. At first you probably don’t quite like us, we’re eager to please, but after two or three sips we’re actually quite nice. Durham has an expensive price tag, and a great name to go with it. We’re all about the name, Bolly, LP, Hatfield, they’re all worth it.

Always the life of the party at the start, dunelms get loose quickly, and immediately break out the anecdotes from our trip to the south of France. We probably won’t keep going at 4am, but that’s because we’re comatose from too much bloody fizz.

Edinburgh – Tennants

Everyone’s drinking it – the boys in the rugby club, the girls out in their heels, the late night techno dancers, the lads in the pub. It’s loved by all – it’s the David Attenborough of beer. It’s nae craft beer, but it’s nae piss either.

Exeter – Prosecco

Once the pinnacle, it’s just become a bit boring and bland now. It’s the wannabe drink, it’s the drink everyone gets because they think they should. Your time has been and gone, you’ve been weighed and measured and found wanting. You’re just not champagne, and Durham will keep on laughing at you.

Falmouth – Somersby cider

Down on the coast, surrounded by scraggly haired surfers and art students with paint on their dungarees, it’s all cider, south west accents and weird house parties. It’s a cheap and happy place, just don’t show them a big nightclub because they’ll probably freak out.

Glasgow – Dragon Soup

Dragon Soup is Glasgow’s modern day answer to those little juice cups you used to get at 7th birthday parties, exciting. Wreck the hoose juice, as it’s also known, comes in classic flavours like Herbal Fusion, Sour Apple, Blue Raspberry and Red Kola. With a concoction including vodka, shnapps, guarana and a shit tonne of caffeine it’s no wonder Viper sell it by the jug. Think Monster but with Vodka. It’s a sure fire way to get you mad wae it and with exotic flavours like these the people of Glasgow are mere mortals before its uncompromising powers.

Herts Uni – The shit mix

You played all your cards wrong and now you’ve ended up with this.

Hull – A cup of really really milky tea

It’s tea, so it’s not bad. And yeah it’s a university, and it’s not bad. But there’s too much milk in this here Cath Kidston mug. For fuck’s sake, don’t ask this person to make you a cup again. Or to help you out with your UCAS choices. You’ve fucked it right up.

Imperial – White Russian

As in, pretty much everyone who studies here.

John Moores – Cherry Lambrini

WOO LIPGLOSS OUT ON THE LASH LAMBRINI GALS GALS GALS POPWORLD GALS WINE VOMIT.

Kent – Tesco’s Sauvignon Blanc on offer

It’s perfect for the quiet night in watching Bake Off, and it’s probably what you’ve been brought up on in the Home Counties. At the same time, you drink the whole bottle and it’s a cheap way to be smashed.

King’s – A Walkies special with a double vodka cranberry

Half of it you will drink, half of it you will spill down your sports tie.

Lancaster – Tequila

No one really understand why it’s in the liquor cabinet, and it’s not easy to swallow. But the people who like it will shout about it from the rooftops. Shame there’s not that many of them.

Leeds – Cheeky Vimto

The Leeds student is a confused being, in the same way that Cheeky Vimto is a confused drink.

They have their Port side, all ruddy and posh and from the home counties, trying to be classy and cool by spending loads of money on vintage gear and tickets to Cosmic Slop. Then there’s their WKD side, a feral animal which likes nothing more than spending its nights whipping its shirt off on the Fruity dancefloor before heading to Zulfi’s for a greasy doner.

It doesn’t really make sense when you try to explain it, but face it – mix the two sides together and you’re left with a pretty tasty concoction.

Leicester – Sambuca

You don’t hate it, but it definitely wasn’t your first choice.

Lincoln – Pepsi

Nobody asked for this.

Liverpool – Pornstar Martini

Sweet, cheeky, regrettable. If a Liverpool was ever a drink, this is it. It’s an attempt at being classy but, considering you also buy it in a jug, in reality it’s just a way to get as smashed as possible and have as much fun as possible – then dance around with your heels in your hand.

Loughborough – A protein shake

It’s always bulking season. MyProtein.com is your homepage on your browser. On your off days, you might have a fishbowl in the SU, but that’s about it.

Manchester – Rum and Ting

Haven’t you heard of it?

Newcastle – Gin & Tonic

Oh, how refined you are. The only drink that’s acceptable to start drinking early doors (“Rory I’ll meet you on Osborne road at 11:45am, yah?”) and in far too large a quantity for any class (“Rory, no! You can’t be sick there, Rory! Hah hah hah”). You’re also [bound to be a psychopath], which is demonstrated by all the times you’re swaying side-to-side on the dancefloor of Tup Tup singing alone to “Killing me softly”, looking for anyone who will pull you.

Northumbria – Vodkat

Just like that brand of vodka you vowed never to drink again after that New Years’ Eve party, you’re a bit much. “Have you heard you can get three trebles for a fiver?” You’re predictably fun – but also bad at maths seeing as trebles haven’t been sold for a fiver since 2011.

Norwich – Strawberry Ribena

You are so cute and sweet and sometimes a little too sweet so not all stores will sell you because of your sugar content.

Nottingham – Karni cocktail

The one everyone goes for, and it’s got everything in it. Like Nottingham, it’s got everything you could possibly need. It’s a bit keen, yeah, and you’ll probably stop enjoying after a while and move on to vodka lemonades, the really middle of the road choice. But you will not stop telling everyone how great it is.

Oxford – A nice Chianti

Reading – Snakebite

Cider is too boring, vodka cranberry is too fancy, WKD reminds you of when you were 15 – the snakebite is your perfect low-maintenance drink.

Royal Holloway – Goldschlager

It’s like a regular uni, but it’s full of glitter and sparkles! That’s what they’ll tell you, at least, but after two sickly sweet shots you know the residents of Egham are starting to wonder if they made the right choice.

Sheffield – A rainbow pint

If you know, you know.

Southampton – Negroni

It sounds nice, it looks nice, and everything about it feels just right, on the face it. Fun and sophisticated, a mix of intelligence and getting loose af. But then you taste it, and find it too bitter to swallow. You swiftly transfer to Bournemouth.

St Andrews – Cava

You think it’s going to be the real deal, the champagne of Scotland which is basically an Oxbridge alternative beyond-the-wall. What you actually get, though, is a knock-off version: not particularly bubbly, uncomfortably dry and more than a little bit bland. You don’t know what leaves a worst taste in your mouth – knock-off bubbly, or the £80 you forked out for the ball where they’re serving it.

Stirling – MD 20/20

We’re not intelligent enough to get into Edinburgh and so you drink MD because you’re not hardcore enough to drink Buckfast. There are many flavours to MD, but in the end you go for the trusted Golden Jubilee (actual name). MD is the perfect pre-drink drink, one gets you steaming enough to go out but not enough so you don’t get in anywhere, but never have two bottles in one night or you won’t even make it to the front door of your flat.

Sussex – Kerzel beer

No one’s heard of it, and you probably wouldn’t opt for it because it’s bloody expensive. But if you do wind up there, you’ll grow to learn to part with your cash and enjoy the more pricey things in life. Plus if no one’s heard of it when you go back home at christmas you’ll be the coolest one there.

Trent – Jägerpint

Jäegerbomb? But that’s only one shot and a bit of mixer? What about the jägerpint!? You can only buy them in Blue Bell Inn, and from there on you are sorted. Five shots of jungfrau, four parts energy drink = the jägerpint. It’s loose as fuck and five times better than your uni.

UCL – Any microbrewery beer

Although you can impress your friends with it, beneath the cool labelling it’s basically a Fosters with a massive price-tag.

UWE – Four cans of Tyskie
No drink says UWE like a four pack of Tyskie. Anyone worth knowing at UWE can recount stumbling out of Lakota at 5am, trekking up to the Stokes Croft 24hr shop and picking up four wholesome cans of our favourite Polish lager. It has the strength and the distinct heavy flavour required to carry even the weakest through an after sesh.

Warwick – Purple

No explanation needed.

York – Lager top

You’re not up for anything large, just a quiet one. You didn’t go out out, you only popped out. Think about it as watered down fun, leaving a slightly homely sweet taste in your mouth but thoroughly unsatisfied.

Contributors: Bobby Palmer, Daisy Bernard, Oli Dugmore, Paddy Baker, Lucy Woodham, Roisin Lanigan, Diasy Bernard, Tom Jenkin, Lee Pirie, Rachel McCallion, Suzanne Stone, Jonny Long, Callum McCulloch.