Gun to your head, which is the best dog out of all the dogs?

There can only be one good boy


Supposedly flat faced dogs – like pugs or bulldogs – are now unfashionable thanks to the health problems caused by their squishy little mugs. As a proud pug owner this sticks in my throat a bit. I think they are the best dogs of all time – but it’s a contentious topic. There are a lot of dogs in the world. It’s a real cornucopia of dogs out there. They’re all excellent, but which is truly the best? Decide below.

Affenpinscher

Affenpinschers are great because they look Ewoks, or small angry monkeys. If the monkey from Planet of The Apes was a dog, it would be an affenpinscher. Look at their faces – although their eyes are dark and hard to find, they’re full of wisdom.

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Afghan hound

These dogs have better hair than I do. If these dogs were human they’d be tall, willowy posh girls with names like Clem or Immy. If this dog had a job, it would be teaching English abroad.

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Airedale terrier

You know what the canine world needs more of? Beards. Airedale terriers have beards, and it makes them look wise, strong and old. Kind of like a small scruffy horse.

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Akita

They’re the happier, fluffier, more anime version of a husky – and their tale curls round and it’s cute.

Alaskan Malamute

Not a husky. More like a wolf. Or a polar bear. It’s basically bloody massive, so the cuddles are on point.

Eskimo dog

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You’ll just want to buy them to lay them on every sofa in your house, because they have glossy, gorgeous coats that are SO damn fluffy, you’ll find no better in any interior design store.

Cocker spaniel

Not only are they the most beautiful angelic creatures put on earth, but they’re one of the most loving dogs you’ll ever meet. But not in the boring, placid way pugs are – they’re still playful but without being to boisterous. They’re small enough to pick up and snuggle, but big enough to not look ridiculous. They’re just so great.

Cockapoo

They literally look like teddies. Small, pure, tiny, loving, caring, beautiful, tiny teddies.

Or fried chicken

Or fried chicken

Pit bull terrier

Like sharks, pit bulls have been unfairly stereotyped as aggressive, dangerous killers. But does this dog look dangerous to you? 

Staffordshire terrier

The most misunderstood dog in the world. Though they may look like they’re about to steal your iPhone, they’re actually the sweetest doggos you’ll ever meet. They weren’t known as ‘The Nanny Dog’ for nothing.

Water spaniel

The POTUS has two so they must be OK.

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Bassett Hound

Their drooly, floppy faces look so sad that you can’t help but love them, and if you wanted to you could arrange their ears in a little bow over their head (but don’t do this it would be mean).

Border terrier

BAXTER!? BARK TWICE IF YOU’RE IN MILWAUKEE.

Seriously though, watch this and tell us they aren’t the most loyal, most loving little creatures in the whole damn world. I’m not crying, I swear, my border terrier’s just been licking my face.

Boxer

A hound that sounds a little bit like Darth Vader. Anyone who owns one of these dynamic dogs knows their trousers will be absolutely covered in slobber within two secs of being in the same room as them. You want to be angry at them for ruining your clothes- but any irate feelings dissipate when you look them in the eyes…

English bulldog

It’s the churchill dog! It’s a national treasure! There’s no part of this dog not to love.

Chihuahua

Really fucking annoying yappy things. They’re very Legally Blonde but not in a good way.

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Chinese crested dog

Widely regarded as the ugliest dog in the world, the aesthetic hatred towards the Chinese Crested is so visceral that you can’t help but want to love them and take them home and protect them from all the nasty things people are saying about them.

Chow chow

The dog’s so nice they named it twice. They’ve also got blue tongues which is great.

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Daschund

Silly sausage (dog).

Dalmatian

These dogs are 101 levels of crazy, and you can’t deny they were your childhood favourites after watching 101 Dalmatians. 

French Bulldog

Were cooler before everyone had one, but hey, they still cute. LOOK AT THEIR LITTLE, BREATHING-RESTRICTED, SMOOSHED UP FACES.

German shepherd

This is the dog version of that person you absolutely hate for being fucking excellent at everything. They got a first in chemistry for being able to sniff out a gram of coke hidden in an overpacked suitcase, they made detective at police academy before you had even finished your application, and god dammit, your parents already prefer them to you. This dog is THE DOG, and you hate yourself for admitting it.

Schnauzer

They are like the hipsters of the dog world with their perfectly preened moustaches. If this dog was a human it would wear glasses and study politics. And his name would be Franz.

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Golden retriever

Happy beautiful sunshine dogs. They’re always smiling, gently panting, gazing at you with their big deep loving eyes. They’re creatures sent from above, to make you happy. They will never leave you, they will never bite you, they are physically incapable of doing anything that will ever hurt you. They are soft, they are fair and they are loyal. They may not be the sharpest tools in the shed, but they don’t need to be smart to give the best hugs  in the world

Greyhound

Greyhounds are majestic AF. Tall, sleek, calm and collected, greyhounds are the only dog who have mastered the fine art of throwing shade. They are also the definition of ‘getting a dog that can do both’ – they’ll run circles around you in the park, but will also outdo anyone when it comes to lazing on the sofa.

Jack Russell

OK, so they have the tendency to be little yappy shits – but that’s why we love them. They’ve got so much personality – they’re feisty, fearless, intellegent, playful, adventurous and will always keep you entertained. But when they’re worn out from all the chasing and being brave, they’ll curl up on your lap and sleep like a little baby. P.S they are so tiny how do they do it?!?

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Labrador

Selfless, kind and hardworking, Labradors are literally perfect in every way. Look into their eyes and you will know that you’ve found a lifelong companion. Nobody will ever love you as much as your labrador will.

Lurcher

Placid, wiry, creatures that resemble smaller versions of Greyhounds. The Formula 1 car family of the dog world. Let one of these loose in the park and watch old biddies recoil in terror as your Lurcher hits top speed. If you could have a Porsche, why would you have a Ford Mondeo?

Shar Pei

So wrinkly!!!

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Newfoundland

Don’t be fooled at how insanely huge they are, newfoundlands are actually just massive softies. Completely unaware of their gigantic stature, they’re big loving teddy-bears that just want to protect you.

Doberman

If a Doberman could speak, you’d expect it to have a strong German accent and to protect you at all costs and be very organised. 

Papillon

They are literally named after butterflies because they’re so tiny and beautiful and their ears look like wings.

Pekingese 

Pekingese dogs are so great that they won Crufts in 2012. In fact the dog who won is a great example of why they should be the best. They had a people name (Malachy) and he got so hot (small and squishy faced) that they had to put him in his winners trophy on top of a bed of ice to keep him cold. If that’s not the most rock n roll dog breed you have ever heard of I don’t know what else to say. They are the Mariah Carey of dogs. They’re divas. Just look at how they walk – like those tiny feet should never touch the filthy ground.

Pug

Pugs have been getting a bad rep recently over things they are completely unable to control – their flat faces, their weight, their breathing problems. It’s true that pugs have hard lives, and they’ve been overbred, but that means if you get one and love it and give it all the care and attention it needs, they’ll be the sweetest, most loving, stupidest and floppiest pet you’ll ever have. Their tails curl round like little presents and they’ll often sneeze in your face when they’re excited to see you and when you hold them they feel like fat babies. Pugs aren’t overrated – there’s a reason they’re squishy faces make it into movies, tv shows, onto t-shirts and everything else.  They need care and attention because they’re precious and special.

Pomeranian

Jesus christ why are they so cute? They’re so fluffy, so TINY and always so happy to see you. They smile like the sweet heavens with their teeny little tongues hanging out, but they’re sassy af too and won’t put up with your bullshit.

Poodle

Poodles have an air of dignity about them, like they’re better than you and they are primped to perfection. They’ve mastered their curls better than you ever could.

Rottweiler

‘Beware of the dog’ always involves a Rottweiler, although they are very loving and loyal dogs. Much like a bouncer, your lovable rottweiler will keep unwanted guests away.

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Shiba Inu

WOW much nice very dog such happy.

Siberian Husky

They’re strong, they’re sleek, they have beautiful eyes that stare deeply into your soul. A Siberian Husky is that stunning guy that is totally out of reach but it doesn’t stop you from gawking.

St Bernard

St Bernard’s original main purpose in life used to be to carry rum and whiskey to people on ski slopes who were stuck. Pretty fucking legendary if you ask me.

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Weimaraner

They’re the most intelligent breed of dog, and are absolutely beautiful. They’re short hair means they won’t leave a trail behind them, and ensures they won’t have that wet-dog smell either. Originally bred for hunting, but they’re harmless and just want to play. They are the dog you aspire to be.

Corgi

The Queen has several so they must be OK.

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Whippet

Covered in a silky coat that hardly sheds and forever handing out cuddles and licks – Whippets are by far the best breed. They’re arguably faster than greyhounds, but less needy after one walk when they pretty much become cats and sleep for the rest of the day.

Contributions from Bella Eckert, Lucy Woodham, Diyora Shadijanova, Bobby Palmer, Natalie Clark, Paddy Baker, Jonny Long, Laura Fitzpatrick and Josh Kaplan.