Who is the worst Etonian of all time?
Surely it’s between David and Boris
Ex-Eton headmaster Tony Little took to the pages of the Daily Mail to defend the 566-year-old institution: independent schools such as Eton are “woven into our national story of education,” he said.
He’s not wrong – but whether that’s a good or a bad thing is to be debated. For every Hugh Laurie, every Percy Shelley, every John Maynard Keynes, you have a handful of the sort of unsavoury characters who have made Eton-bashing such a hobby for the general populace.
But who is the absolute worst? Who is the one awful Etonian who puts all other Etonians to shame? Have a look at the candidates below, and cast your vote.
What list of Old Etonians would be complete without David Cameron?
The ex-Prime Minister (and now ex-MP) has a catalogue of deplorable acts to his name: raising tuition fees for uni students, cutting disability benefits, referring to refugees as a “swarm,” telling a female MP to “calm down, dear” and generally being responsible for the whole Brexit thing.
Oh, and there’s also the time he apparently put his dick in a pig.
Of course, Boris was the real brains behind Brexit. He was the driving force behind the EU Referendum, which many saw as a failed attempt to become Prime Minister himself.
He’s also said women go to uni because they “have got to find men to marry”, accused Barack Obama of having an “ancestral dislike of the British empire” and telling people: “Voting Tory will cause your wife to have bigger breasts and increase your chances of owning a BMW M3.”
He also did this.
Boris’ brother may not be as well-know as the man himself, but he has had a hand in one of the greatest upsets of recent years.
When the Natural Environment Research Council asked the public to vote on names for a new polar research ship, the outstanding leader with 124,109 votes was “Boaty McBoatface” – a name which was vetoed by the Minister for Universities and Science.
The man behind the decision? None other than Mr Johnson himself.
James Bond? Sexist? Surely not.
Sir John Harington
Sir John wasn’t a bad person: on the contrary, he literally invented the toilet. But it must smart a bit for the historians who compile the expansive lists of Old Etonians, knowing that every time someone takes a shit they’re doing it all over the legacy of an OE.
Still, at least his name wasn’t Thomas Crapper.
Made In Chelsea’s most boring export has made a living out of saying things are “silly beaut” and wearing stupid earrings.
In a show full of Spencers and Jamies and Francises, why would anyone want to waste their time watching Proudlock when all he really does is nod thoughtfully and wear fedoras?
Yes, we know, he’s ostensibly a really nice guy and he saves people in his helicopter and he gave the world Prince George.
But still, he still represents a classist system which sees hereditary monarchy as a viable reason to spend taxpayers’ money on silver spoons for the upper echelons. Or something like that.
Unlike his generally controversy-free older brother, the Party Prince has seen his fair share of tabloid headlines – like when he was photographed wearing a swastika at a “Colonial and Native” themed fancy dress party, or when he was caught on camera calling fellow soldiers “pakis” and “ragheads.”
But yeah, he’s a top bloke, apart from the Nazi stuff.
William Pitt (the Elder)
Because we all know England’s greatest Prime Minister was Lord Palmerston.
Drummond Money-Coutts has found his way into this list for three reasons: firstly, his name is Drummond Money-Coutts. Secondly, he openly refers to himself as “DMC.”
Thirdly, he’s a magician, which shows he’s so wealthy he could literally just pick a career from a children’s book and be like “yeah, alright, I’m going to do that for a living.”
Controversial opinion: Eddie Redmayne is overrated, and his singing in Les Miserables wasn’t that good. Still fit though.
Zac’s bid to become Mayor of London was condemned for being pretty nasty, but it was also so full of painfully awkward moments that it was often hard not to feel sorry for him.
Worst of all was this hand-wringing black cab interview, which made everyone who saw it want to crawl into a hole and forget his whole mayoral campaign ever took place.
As in, one half of the team who invented Rolls-Royce, the automobile of choice for pompous arseholes. Nothing against you, Charles, but you created Simon Cowell and Donald Trump’s favourite car.
In terms of sheer up-his-own-arse tiresomeness, Bear Grylls would win the title of worst OE a hundred times over.
Well-known for drinking his own piss and pretending to camp in the wilderness, Bear is a bit much at the best of times – although watching him skin a seal and wear it as a waistcoat will forever be one of the most entertaining moments in TV history.
One-time James Bond candidate and one half of everyone’s least favourite celebrity couple, T-Hiddz threw himself into the limelight this year with public displays of “HiddleSwift” affection that made even the most fervent fans of gossip cringe.
Remember that vest? No self-respecting OE would be caught dead in that.
Do you think you know a worse Etonian than these guys? Send your submissions to [email protected]