OK but have you literally ever met a cool person with an Android phone?

After months of anticipation the iPhone 7 is finally expected to be announced at Apple’s conference tonight, and as expected there’s a lot of hype. There’s gonna be dual lenses and better camera quality and no headphone jack and better speakers and increased storage space and they might even reintroduce black as a colour option.

And everyone will buy into the hype. Everyone except clueless, simple, befuddled people who still have Android phones. Look, it’s easy to hate on these people. It’s easy to say “you’re an idiot, your phone’s shit, you look stupid”. It’s easy to make fun of them. I’m not going to do that. The Android users of the world know these things, and they presumably have enough internalised aggression about their poor consumer choices already. Nobody wants to be shouted at about how awful they are.

I’ll just say this, an astute observation from one of the 294 million iPhone owners in the world: You’ve never really seen anyone cool with an Android though, have you?

Think about the Android owners you know in your life. You might cherish them, but you know they are not cool. You’ve never actually watched a good Snapchat created on an Android. You’ve skimmed through, it’s managed to sneak its way in between glossy blockbuster iOS films, with is clunky visuals and its funny little text. Snapchat, the medium through which everyone shows how fun and cool they are, it really lets the Android user down. So no, you can’t really look like a normal cool person with one.

And you can’t sound like one either. Because all your small talk comes back to how your phone, your 17 inch Samsung Galaxy x-series IV, is actually superior. “It’s just better!” they’re saying, often tweeting, along with unironic white text memes about the superior battery life of the phone or how much money they saved.

And it’s true, according to a study from the University of Lincoln (lol) Android users are nice. They’re supposedly more humble and more honest, and that personality factor might soften the blow of not even being able to use emojis properly, but it’s still a bit grim.

Yes, OK. Yes I do spend at least two thirds of my day with my phone plugged into the wall, so much so that my mum makes jokes about how we’ve “basically gone back to the days of the landline lol!” Yes, I have cracked the screen twice and cried in the Apple store over whether it’s still on warranty. And yeah, I still don’t understand how the cloud works. All these things are small heartbreaking moments that the iPhone 7 won’t address. It could be worse though. You could have an Android.