Questions you’re sick of hearing if you’re a Diet Coke addict

NO COKE ZERO DOES NOT TASTE THE SAME


You clicked on this article which probably means that, like me, you drink far too much Diet Coke.

If you’ve been asked the majority of these questions and answers then, sadly, you are a full-blown addict.

Why are you dieting?

Like 99.9 per cent of the people who drink Diet Coke, I am not dieting. I just don’t like the roof of my mouth being as sticky as a nightclub dance floor.

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Why don’t you drink Zero?

Because I know that the idea of all Diet Coke drinkers being PR girls who spend their lives scrolling the sidebar on MailOnline is a stereotype, and I’m not that that insecure that I need to drink from a black can to feel cool.

I drink Diet Coke because I like the taste. I swear.

I’m sorry we only serve Pepsi, will Diet Pepsi do?

STFU.

When did you start drinking so much?

Like most people in my situation, I have no idea where or how this started. I didn’t wake up one day and decide I wanted to pour litres of the stuff down my throat every day – it just sort of crept up on me.

Like most things you regret, it probably happened at uni, somewhere between the occasional class and all day sessions of Call of Duty.

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Won’t that make you fat?

It says sugar-free on the can, you IDIOT.

Isn’t it really bad for you?

The studies generally seem to conflict each other, so let’s go with no. The papers often say that additives like Aspartame are linked with various bad things like cancer, but then again so is bacon or, if you read the tabloids, everything.

Do you like the newer bottles with the smaller design?

Are you kidding me? The only reason to be happy about having a reduced quantity of Diet Coke is if it’s in one of those glass bottles that you only get at fancy restaurants or in Waitrose.

I also have a theory, one that I have no proof of, but the smaller the plastic bottle the more it makes the drink taste like plastic.

What’s so special about glass bottles?

If you have to ask this question then you don’t deserve to know the answer.

So glass bottles are the best way to drink it?

The real Diet Coke heads know the truth. The order goes: glass bottle > can > big bottle > small bottle > draught. If you disagree then you’re wrong.

A little-known fact about Diet Coke is that it’s the only drink on the planet that actually tastes better from a can than a bottle or draught.

How come you drink so much Diet Coke but never use it a mixer?

Because I don’t want to end up hating the taste when I’ve puked up vodka & coke outside Kebab-U-Like one too many times.

How much do you spend on Diet Coke?

I will not admit to the real figure, because it’s far too much.

Why don’t you buy own-brand to save money?

It tastes like hairspray.

Have you seen the videos where people drop Mentos into a bottle and it explodes?

Yes. I have internet access.

How can you drink Diet Coke so early in the morning?

Because, just like you and your coffee, I can’t hide my addiction to caffeine.

Do you drink too much?

Yes. Of course I do. Even the guy that sells the Big Issue outside of my Tesco has commented on how much I buy.

Do you get embarrassed by how much you drink?

Yes. That’s why when it’s on offer at the supermarket I make up an excuse about “throwing a party” to tell the cashier.

It’s that embarrassing for me as a person in their mid-20s that I actively pretend I’m hosting a get-together which makes me either look like the dullest person alive or somebody likely to be found on a register.

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Why don’t you give up?

I’ve tried, but I don’t like the crippling withdrawal symptoms.

Do you realise how pathetic that sounds?

Yes, I’m aware how stupid it sounds to be addicted to a soft drink when there are real, legitimate addictions out there, but I am, really.

It’s not actually addictive though, is it?

Shut up.