Getting closure with my ex was the worst decision I’ve ever made

Remember that episode of Friends where Rachel drinks her body weight in wine, drunk calls Ross while she’s on a date, and ends her voice mail with the iconic line: “and that is what they call closure.”

And then remember when Ross hears the voice mail the next day and Rachel, already suffering from a hangover, wishes the ground would swallow her up? That is my basic human knowledge of the humiliating, regrettable and quite frankly HORRIBLE experience of the myth that is ‘closure.’

After pestering and pleading with a former flame to sit down with me and tell me face to face where it all went wrong, I thought I’d be as confident (and angry) as I’d been rehearsing in my head since the day we broke up. Until, of course, I sat down next to him and completely crumbled. I couldn’t even get the words I wanted to say out and by the time I had composed myself to talk, he’d already repeated everything we’d been texting back and forth and had stood up to leave.

Not exactly the empowering experience I was looking for. After I’d picked up my bruised ego, I started wondering if anyone else had had a ‘final talk’ experience as underwhelming as mine.

Delaney, 19

I dated this guy for awhile and was totally crazy about him. Legitimately thought he was the one. We broke up mostly because of distance and his job was really demanding. After two months I went and talked to him just to get some answers and clarity, and we ended up getting back together. Then after a week he dumped me AGAIN over text message (the same method as the first time) because he apparently never wanted to get back with me in the first place. I should have just let it be.

Stacey, 22

I dated this guy for about a year before I left for university, and we tried to make long distance work. He was very jealous and insecure so it went bad pretty quickly. But before any of that, we had a pretty good relationship so when I went home for spring break I saw him because I just wanted to know if it was over for good. He had a house party and I went, we locked ourselves in his bedroom to talk and he passed out drunk next to me. When I tried to leave he grabbed onto me and wouldn’t let me go, he was begging for sex and just kept pulling me on the bed and trying to get on top of me so I pushed him on the ground and stormed out. I think that counts as closure? We haven’t spoken since.

Annabelle, 21

I’d had a fling with a guy in my first semester at college and after a while, I had no idea if it was even worth it. He was a senior so he’d be leaving school soon. I kept getting the impression it didn’t mean much to him. So I ended it and he actually got really upset, asking me to stick it out over the summer. We ended on what I thought had been good terms after I’d told him no.

But then he invited me to his Winter Formal, and I’d agreed because his friend had invited my roomie. It turns out this guy hadn’t registered I’d been trying to break things off and it hadn’t been closure for him at all. He got wasted, started yelling at me and insulting me to his friends, well within my earshot. He was saying my ‘standards were too high’ and I’d never ‘find someone like him again’. We never spoke again after that night. I had to block him from all social media because he would still send me drunken Snapchats at like 4am. Totally not cool.

Jackie, 22

I think the funniest one was my freshman year at high school, my first boyfriend lasted for a couple of months but I got bored. After not replying a couple of times to what would have been our final texts, he got worried and said, “Do you want to break up with me?” I didn’t want to be so mean about it but I had no idea what to say but eventually replied, “You’re just like a video game. Exciting at first but boring after a couple of runs.” He was wrecked.

Lea, 19

I feel like I could have happily gone without having the last conversation I had with my ex. I knew she’d had issues with being hesitant about coming out to her family, I completely understood that so whenever I visited or spent the night her parents always assumed it was just an innocent friendly sleep over. We broke up due to a number of things to be honest and I thought we had handled it pretty well. Up until I got a teary, nervous phone call because her Mom couldn’t figure out why her ‘really good friend’ had suddenly cut all ties with her and she was crapping herself incase she was caught out. I care about the girl but I wasn’t exactly willing to cover her back anymore. We haven’t been back in touch.

And finally, this IS what you call closure…

Becky, 22