The seven wonders of Wolverhampton

It’s so bostin’


Wolverhampton isn’t known for it’s beauty, it’s actually a bit of a shit-hole. In 2009, Lonely Planet bestowed upon us the title of fifth worst city in the whole world.

But that really doesn’t matter, because it’s all of the shitty little things that make it our home. From the rumours of people showering in the water-jets to hygiene ratings on Broad Street – here are the wonders of Wolverhampton. Hop on a tram and enjoy the Yammy-yammy goodness.

The station

First on our tour of Wolverhampton – the train station. In every likelihood, this is where you’ll arrive, because Halfpenny Green Airport doesn’t do international flights yet. Isn’t it characterful? I’d call it Brutalist architecture but I’m not even sure it’s that. It’s ugly in its own unique and totally unplanned way, like mould. The café smells slightly of farts, but that adds to it’s charm. Good luck running to Platform 4, because for some reason you have to use stairs that are fucking miles away.

Pic is inaccurate – that building on the right is finished now

Faces

Ever seen a nightclub above a charity shop? Ever heard of a club that shut down and cleared everyone out midway through the night because they ran out of money? That’s the same club, friends – and it’s called Faces. If you’re over-18 and live in Wolverhampton, you have definitely experienced this place. Alas, the days of white plastic cups are over – but there is hope at the end of Dudley Street. At Yates’, you can meet as many middle-aged men as your heart desires. And then you can head on to Popworld, the happiest place on earth. Watch out for people getting too amped on the Spice Girls medleys, though. Last time I went there, a woman tried to punch me in the face for standing too close to her. But later in the night, there was toast.

So many good times

Dudley Street

Fancy a spot of shopping? Wolverhampton has not one but TWO whole shopping centres that are actually attached to each other, so you don’t even have to go outside. After all, what are we, West Bromwichian animals? The Wulfrun Centre is slightly edgier, and by that I mean there’s a Blue Banana and a bunch of shops that sell candles. On the other hand, the Mander’s got you covered for anything more mainstream. Well, it would if it wasn’t being refurbished – a tragedy for those of us who appreciated Spudulike and the other weird things in its mysterious ground floor. Oh, also, I once found a half-eaten chicken nugget on the floor in River Island. Incredible scenes.

M&YES BOYZ

The Wolves

Last week I met a man in Croatia who had heard of our humble home town. Okay, not us, but the team with the cute wolf symbol. We’re a big deal. Orange and black (don’t pretend that’s gold, come on) are pretty neat colours too, if you like Halloween. The best part is that we’re sponsored by a company so morally questionable that it leaves its own name off the children’s t-shirts. Why the fuck they left that big gap there I don’t know – to say that children are extra against loan sharks? The Molineux has one flash stand and three shite ones, which is coincidentally the ratio of successes to failures that Wolves has in any one season. My attempts at football satire end here.

Does this sponsorship make me look classy?

Broad Street

Wolverhampton isn’t all bad. What I’d like to dub its ‘cultural quarter’ has the Lighthouse Cinema, The Grand Theatre, an art gallery and a Spoons. However, to avoid accusations of elitism, they also plonked Broad Street smack bang in the middle. Prices are low, with hygiene ratings even lower. It’s normally closed because there’s been a stabbing, but if you do manage to promenade down this, our kebab-shop Champs d’Elysées, be sure to admire how seamlessly sex shops fit in amongst the fast food. Now that’s some cross-contamination you won’t get anywhere else.

There’s also a wig shop

Queen Square

While the MOTH (Man on the Horse, Man on the ‘Oss, Thither-Statue-Of-Prince-Albert-Astride-His-Steed, whatever you want to call it) gets all the attention, Queen Square has a lot more to offer. I hear that someone was once caught showering in these cooling jets -Wolverhampton’s answer to the Trevi Fountain. But they’ve clearly misunderstood their true purpose. In an innovative attempt to improve our relations with Europe after Brexit, Wolverhampton council has provided open air bidets for Wulfrunians to cleanse themselves after a nasty experience with a kebab you bought on Broad Street. Vive la Wolverhampton!

Wolverhampton’s very own Trevi Fountain

Banks’s

Though this whole roundabout is an architectural piece de resistance, it’s the newest addition that’s really impressive. Banks’s Brewery (Oh sorry, ‘Marston’s’) has teamed up with Urban Decay to provide a Wolverhampton palette known as Gunk. Why they chose colours that look like varying degrees of sunburn and jumbled them all up is a mystery, but it certainly, er, stands out. The smell of hops is very much love-hate and gets bloomin’ everywhere, even to the posh part of town. God help the Girls’ High girls when they come home smelling of beer.

Ew

So there you have it. Half of my DNA is tied to this ancient site of wonder and majesty, but you too can experience it for the bargain price of accidentally staying on a stop too far after Birmingham New Street.