Confessions of a fat teenager

Like most girls from my generation, I have never been happy with my body. Whether this is because I have two stick thin sisters, I’ve grown up comparing myself to others on social media restricted myself to fit the expectations that are given to women my age. Being, let’s say “really chubby” when I was younger did a number on me, and although I have lost the majority of the weight now, I am still affected by my former teenage self a lot. Puberty really did not like me in the beginning and seemed to take it all out on my weight.

There are things that I have learned and experienced, seven or eight years on from the biggest size that I was I am still not over that time in my life. I mean it doesn’t help that my body type is described as ‘curvy’, and I experienced my parents forcing me to go to the gym for while. Being an oversized girl, especially when entering your teenage years is never a pleasant experience – but it can teach you a lot.

There will always be this fat girl trying to fight its way out

The art of portion control has never been my friend, we are just not compatible with one another. When cooking for myself at uni I always seem to make one too many portions, no matter how many I cook for. I still don’t know how to do it and honestly never think I will be able too. Even though I have lost the weight that I had when I was a teenager, I truly still believe that era of myself will always try to be free again. There are times where I embrace the little girl and eat a bag of popcorn, chocolate and an orange (just to balance out, got to think of that five a day) and I honestly adore her admiration for food. I wish I could embrace her more, she was so fun.

The shy, self conscious girl is always there

I grew up, like most people, addicted to my phone and really concerned about what I posted on social media. It was difficult not to compare myself to celebrities and instagram famous people that are seemingly perfect. One of the things that I have never shook after going from fat to chubby to not so chubby is how self conscious you get.

You can’t seem to stop comparing yourself to others and wanting to be this perfect person and your weight is a large contributor to this goal. Whether or not your were bullied about your size, there will always be that criticising voice. I always feel as if I’m still as big as I was when I was 14 even if my family or friends tell me otherwise and I feel as if I will never be able to avoid it.

HOW DO I BUY CLOTHES NOW

My weight changes constantly. I have never consistently a certain size I change all the time. Buying clothes when I was younger was difficult, there was so many things I restricted myself from wearing and buying. I have only recently discovered that crop tops and bralets are not the work of a smug devil. Don’t get me wrong I love shopping but I don’t know where I stand with clothes now, what can or can’t I wear now. I don’t understand it and it’s basically just a big mind fuck.

Old photos are your worst nightmare

I know that there is a photo of me on a beach, smiling with braces, thick rimmed glasses at a time where I was at my biggest. Oh my lord, I hate that photo so much, it makes me cringe and produces a small level of self loathing that I don’t like to admit. I avoid those photos like the plague, they’re not doing a favour to anyone apart from my mother who still insists that I look ‘sweet’.

It’s just a reminder of the girl that I once was with all the hatred that I had for my body at that time, old photos just carry a lot of emotions that I have been able to suppress a long time ago. I do not want to see them, not at all, do not share them on Facebook or Twitter because I will hate you.

Who the hell cares, being happy with yourself is the most important thing

The way I see it, you can bitch and moan about how life isn’t fair or you could make it work in your favour – either way it is up to you. But at the end of the day none of it matters unless you’re happy with yourself. I hated being the fat girl out of my sisters and friends, I hated it so much and was depressed because of it. It was only till I turned 20 this year that I just didn’t care what people expected me to do anymore.

You can be grateful and happy about so many different things, so much so that your appearance or size shouldn’t affect your outlook on life as it did mine. It had taken me a while to learn this, but to be happy in your own skin is so much better and funner in the long run. Those who don’t accept you or bitch about you behind your back are just not worth your time, just admit to yourself that you’re fabulous and beautiful and everything will be right in the world.