How to trick your parents into thinking you’ve got your life together after uni

You haven’t even had your graduation ceremony yet and your parents are already nagging you to get a job. “A real job”, one where you will be “putting your degree to good use.”

The problem is, if you’re anything like me, then you’re still in student mode. You want to be young and irresponsible for as long as possible and are just not ready to be tied down to a “real job” yet.

keeping my Dad sweet

But try and explain this to your parents and they’ll only think you’re being lazy. Instead, try and bullshit them into thinking you have your life sorted. Trust me, this is so much easier than it sounds.

Constantly remind them how much stress you have been under

After you finish your degree, make sure you keep reminding them how stressful your life has been for the last few months. “Did I ever tell you about the time I spent 48 hours solid in the library?” should be a question you should frequently raise at meal times. Let them know you are still recovering from the stress, and if you don’t take time out now to chill you might have a heart attack. This will work for a bit, but it will only take a few weeks for the sympathy to war odd, then you need to try a different approach.

Overcompensate by doing loads of work around the house

You can show them how much more mature you are than three years ago by being helpful around then house. Make sure you hoover and do the washing up before they get home. Clear the table after dinner and whatever you do, do not drink the milk straight out of the bottle. Even if you are sitting around their house doing nothing, whilst your patents are out working, at least you are being a helpful adult. It gives them no extra reasons to be pissed off with you.

Pretend you’re always really, really busy looking for work

Our parents think we are out job hunting

When your parents are in, try and be out. You don’t want them to figure out you are doing absolutely nothing with your life. Tell them you’re meeting a friend to discuss job prospects with them, or tell them you’re at an interview, or out researching a future job. They don’t need to know you are actually spending the afternoon down the pub, using the money you have burrowed off them to buy the drinks. They will just respect that you are seemingly always busy, seemingly doing the best you can to organise your future.

Get a low-maintenance part time job

At some point you should think about getting a part time job. Nothing too taxing, maybe a bar job or work in a retail shop. They will respect the fact you’re motivated to be earning your own money and will assume you are looking for something more ambitious at the same time.

Plant evidence around the house

Let’s face it, parents love snooping around in our private things. Make it work to your advantage. Leave evidence that you are in the process of life sorting around the house. Casually leave your C.V. on the kitchen table, leave job applications on open tabs on your laptop. You could even put a few uni prospectus booklets for master degrees on your bed. If they find these things accidentally without you forcing them to look, they will be quietly proud of your new found independence and will ease off on the nagging, assuming you have it all sorted by yourself. But don’t leave bank statements lying around. This will ruin everything.

Always say, ‘I’m just waiting to hear back’

Your lifesaver during this period will be the line “I’m just waiting to hear back from a few places.” Even if you haven’t applied to anywhere yet, this one will work a treat. They will be happy that, as far as they know, you have been actively applying for jobs. The beauty is, they won’t want to pressure you into telling them if you have heard back yet, as they will assume that if it is good news, you will tell them anyway. And if they do happen to ask if you have heard yet, tell them you are still waiting.

And then act really upset about not hearing back

It’ll stop them from nagging in the future.

Make a ‘Five Year Plan’ to show them

The beauty of the five year plan is that you can put it off for ages

When shit hits the fan, which it eventually will, hit them back with your five year plan. This is the biggie. Perfect this and you will be able to convince your parents you are well and truly on your way to becoming a fully functioning, successful adult. Write your five year plan out on paper in full. Make it look professional. You need to be acting like you are a finalist on the Apprentice and you are presenting your business plan to Alan Sugar. Make sure you include every single bullshitting little details. Write down what you hope to do that year and exactly how you plan to do it. Make sure each year builds on the previous, so by year five you are in an exciting, ambitious, successful position where you have always dreamed of being.

Focus on the fifth year, talk about this year for the longest. Be so enthusiastic about year five that they can’t help but feel excited for you. Have it in such detail and speak about it with such confidence that they forget it is just a plan and start thinking it is a definite. The beauty of the five year plan is you can put it off for as long as possible and they won’t work it out for ages. At the most, you have five years before they notice you still haven’t got your life together and by that time, you will probably be bored of being a bum and actually want to do these things you were supposed to start now.