A guide to male sex toys

We hear about vibrators all the time (go women’s liberation) but there’s barely a squeak about the glorious world of male sex toys unless you go to Fetsoc – and let’s be honest, most of us don’t have the balls to go there. That’s why I’ve written you this nifty guide – and tried the products myself – so that you can have more bang for your buck, if you’ll pardon the pun.

Before we start, let’s get a few misconceptions out of the way: 1. No, using sex toys doesn’t mean you can’t get any. Whoever started this rumour must have been jealous because I can personally assure you they got it very, very wrong. 2. Rethink your relationship with your bum. I’ll get on to that a little later…

Fleshlight

This one is kind of revered as the holy grail of all male sex toys, and once you’ve used one you’ll understand why. Giving yourself a hand job is so much effort and so much less rewarding than fucking this delightful, jellified toy. It comes with various different openings for all tastes – vagina, mouth, ass, and a plain “pure” one – all with varying textures.

And no, it’s not as much effort to clean as the rumours have it: simply stick one end around a tap and let the water flush it out. Just make sure to buy some water based lube to go with it, otherwise you’re going to struggle. There are cheaper versions of this product but Fleshlight or Fleshjack are by far the best, even if they are a little pricey.

Pros: the ultimate masturbation experience for guys.
Cons: a little expensive and not the easiest to clean (you need somewhere to store it whilst it dries).

Cock Rings

For that rock-solid boner you can’t really go wrong with a cock ring or two. Place them at the base of your cock and they’ll slow the blood from leaving your dick making you harder for longer. When you do cum, that orgasm will be more intense, too, so it’s a win-win situation for everyone involved (in this instance, you. You win twice. Congrats).

Pros: cheap, discrete and effective.
Cons: none. What’s not to like?!

Lube

Lube is the giver of life. It’s great for sex, it’s great for wanking, it’s essential for any anal stuff. And it comes in so many variations: water based, for general use, silicone for that extra silky-smooth long lasting effect and other novelty products like the warming or tingling kind. Lube is one of the easiest ways to spice up your alone time. And don’t say that because you have a foreskin you don’t need lube. Trust me, you do.

Pros: useful for couples as well as a perk to change up your “alone time”.
Cons: can be messy, and silicone-based lube can stain.

Before we move on we need to talk about that hole we don’t really like thinking about. Yes. Your arsehole. Now, put aside all your preconceived notions for a second and consider this: your bum has a hell of a lot of nerve endings around it, making it a sensual and pleasurable place to touch and stimulate. And it’s really not as dirty as you think, though if you’re scared you should consider douching with water. At a minimum, sticking things up your bum is a fun supplement to your normal wanking diet. Just don’t forget that you’ll always need to use lube.

Buttplugs

Buttplugs are probably the best thing to start with if you’re new to your ass. They come in a range of sizes and don’t really require a lot of work: once they’re in, you can leave them in. The benefits? Your orgasms will feel greater and you’ll cum further and stronger.

Pros: the ultimate masturbation experience for guys.
Cons: a little expensive and not the easiest to clean (you need somewhere to store it whilst it dries).

Dildo

If you want a bit more of the in-out-in-out, a dildo is perfect for you. And yes, they’re dick shaped, but who cares? In the words of Gaga, just take a ride on that disco stick.

Pros: changes things up from your right (or left) hand.
Cons: Ideally you want to do a bit of prep before using this, including douching.

Prostate massager

If you were born a man, chances are you were born with a prostate. Now, apart from making it annoying to pee when you’re old, the prostate is also responsible for your orgasms, and the best thing is that you can stimulate it directly through your ass to achieve dem good vibrations. A prostate massager like the Aneros helps you push those buttons. It’s a funky, semi-circular shaped object that you insert and leave inside your ass. With practise, some men are able to achieve a multiple hands-free orgasms. If that’s not an incentive, I don’t know what is.

Pros: potentially an all-new orgasm experience.
Cons: takes a lot of patience to get there. And the Aneros brand are relatively pricey.