How to deal with a crazy ex

Playtime is over and the puppy love is gone. A break up can go one of two ways, and this time they’re snarling and scratching at your door.

In any sane break-up both sides want to move on and create a new loving relationship. But this isn’t any ex, this is a crazy ex. It’s time to leave them behind.

Step One: Cut off contact

You have to show that you are serious. That you want to move on. You have to be dominant and strong in your role.

Simply block them. Hang a ‘Beware! Crazy bitch’ sign over all of social media. You don’t want them stalking your Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter, so cover all bases. Remember why you wanted to end the relationship so when you happen to ‘bump into them’, you’ve got a game plan.

Step Two: Up your curve game

Duck, dip, dive, and dodge. This isn’t a game of kiss chase, it’s borderline harassment.

As they hunt you from place to place you’re going to have to run. This isn’t a matter of just clicking on your profile, this is showing up at your house, waiting for you in the library, or even at your work place.

Step Three: Try to move on

A break-up can add unwanted stress to your life, and what’s the best way to get rid of it? Fuck it out, obviously. You’re raging, steaming, and ready to do some damage.

When your unloveable ex turns up screaming and throwing stones they’ll hear you’ve moved on and there’s not really much they can do, just make sure your door’s locked.

Step Four: Shag their friend

You know they were fitter anyway.

Step Five: Break their heart

Sit down and run through the play-by-play of why you don’t want to be with them. You have to take control, it’s gotten out of hand. They haven’t listened and whatever their problem is, you’re done dealing with it.

Don’t feel guilty for the heartbreak, they should have gotten the message.

The Last Resort

But now you’ve tried everything. You’ve hidden from them, blocked them, moved on, yet here they are, still ringing your friends, standing outside. You’ve got an exam tomorrow but they’re relentless, borderline dangerous. What are you going to do? Call animal control and get this beast the muzzle they so desperately need.